My friend seems to have gone off me

[MoeGreenSpecial]

I feel really sad about this.

I made a school mum friend when dd started school. She was really warm and welcoming and invited me round all the time for a coffee and we would meet up in the park while the kids played etc. She would confide everything in me and swear me to secrecy and say she told me things she didn’t even tell her family and her husband. We would drop everything if the other of us needed a friend and it was great, I felt supported and like I’d made a great solid friend at last.

Her work has increased a bit, and she is certainly v popular and has a big family which all take up some of her time, but lately she’s had no time for me. At the beginning of the summer hols I mentioned meeting up and she said she’d only got a few days free during the whole break. Eventually she rang me for a chat and we met up once for an hour but other than that we didn’t see or speak to each other at all. She lives on my road and while leaving the house or sitting in our lounge etc I’ve seen her so often walking past with a couple of other school mum friends. She mentioned that she’d met up with one of them every week during the summer hols and I’ve seen her with another one about three times in the last week at least. I asked her for a coffee a few days ago and she said yeah ok but then never got back to me about it.

Since then I’ve seen her socialising with the other two mums several times including today.

I’m probably being stupid but I feel so hurt! I finally thought I’d found a friend I could count on.

I'm not surprised you feel hurt, it's horrible being rejected. You'll probably never find out why she's dropped you - perhaps she feels you know too much about her and is unnerved by that. Widen your social circle and make lots of new friends, don't ever rely on just one person to fulfil your need for a friend.

'She would confide everything in me and swear me to secrecy and say she told me things she didn’t even tell her family and her husband'

It's probably this - I had a friend distance herself from me when she told me a secret I presume she later regretted. These things happen.

Are your children still friends? I find playground friendships are usually largely driven by whether your kids are close or not.

Perhaps. It was never anything that bad though- was about family fallouts and stuff, nothing shameful or embarrassing. Every time I see her out with the other friends it really makes me want to cry. She was my confidante during the death or two beloved relatives and going Nc with my mother. It feels like such a terrible loss.

@WhatWouldOliviaPopeDoAgain yes they’re still friends!

Ah that sounds hard. Perhaps it's just the way she is - goes from person to person. I'm quite wary of oversharers, they tend to be insincere.

OP that sucks, but some people do float from one person to the other. Especially if they share the same hobbies it can seem like they're always together. Gym, dog walking etc. Its not nice for the person left behind.

In that case I would be polite and friendly when you see her, but stop chasing her for a catch up and make an effort with the other mums like she clearly has. You need to broaden your friendship circle rather than rely on one person - it's a good lesson to demonstrate to your DD too!

I have a friend from childhood who got a bit obsessed with a 'new' friend and almost dropped her previous friends. Spent all her time and energy on the new person. Still similar as an adult. I don't see her too often now for other reasons such as geography but it was quite hurtful at the time.

Its true that despite the same sense of humour and a similar personality we don’t have much in common. We don’t have the same interests. I’m attending something this week which hopefully will enable me to meet some likeminded people and I’m also meeting up with an old friend.

I feel like such an idiot though. I asked her to be godmother to dd!

Was she more a crutch than anything else in the end though OP? Was it all support and shoulder to cry on?

It's not healthy to rely on one person, you need to make other friends. It'll hurt but sometimes things fizzle out.

I can understand the hurt, and I sympathise, OP.

The friendship sounds like it was quite intense, and those kind of friendships do have a tendancy to burn out. I wouldn't take it personally.

Well if you’re into alternative theories, there is one that the universe puts things where they need to be at certain times, such as a person being in your life at a time you need them, or you are brought in their life when they need you. Or they can be the catalyst or springboard for other things. Once that times over you/they move on.

It really hurts now but it WILL get better. Somebody I considered a very close friend ghosted me last year. We worked together too so I had no choice but to see her & be civil every day when all I really wanted to do was ask her s few blunt questions about her behaviour.
I was really hurt, she made it very clear she had other friends & was an attention seeking nightmare on social media. I just ignored everything.

Eventually though she started to show an interest in me again. It was too late for me of course, I just didn't trust her.
Now though, I would say we are friends at work & because we have kids in the same school year but that's all & that's fine. I don't want anything more from such a flaky person.
Be friendly to her but don't suggest any meet ups. Don't ask her what you've done or if she's alright. It sounds like she's a bit of a Queen Bee who enjoys having your attention.
Make the most of new friendships, widen that social circle & be kind to yourself. You'll feel very differently in a few months but I know it's tough now. Good luck.

....& of course, conveniently 'forget' you ever asked her to be godmother!

I was thinking she might be a narcissist (they often blow hot in the beginning) and then you said about nc with your mother. Often if we have had these sorts in our life in some capacity or other...we attract them in other capacities too.

They can become your besties and inspire such a feeling of loyalty in us...and then suddenly, they blow cold. It isn't nice and people who are decent human beings and really your friends, wouldn't do it.

I’ve had this happen and it’s horrible. Really pulls the rug from under your feet and I now question my ability to choose friends. Allow yourself to feel the pain and move on. Don’t trust her again. I think friendship means different things to different people- I cannot imagine treating people like that, if I have a problem I would explain it. Hope you feel better soon

Was she more a crutch than anything else in the end though OP? Was it all support and shoulder to cry on?

Not at all, the sharing of problems was mutual and we were often just talking about general stuff and laughing etc.

I'll probably be crucified for saying this but I believe the only person anyone can truly count on in life is themselves. Everyone else will always let yoy down at some point. And yes, I am a friendly, chatty and optimistic person!

It's nice to spend time with other people and have friends to share experiences, etc but at the end of the day you shouldn't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out. You'll no doubt bond with someone else and enjoy spending time with them for a while, then something else will happen and that closeness will move to someone else again. That's just life.

I had the same, I told a good friend when we were having marital problems and when we resolved those it became too weird that she knew things that were so personal. I distances myself after that.

Flip flop- did you think how she might have felt about that?

Felt very blindsided by the knowledge they had and it was such a weight in our friendship that couldn't be overcome sadly.

I'll probably be crucified for saying this but I believe the only person anyone can truly count on in life is themselves. Everyone else will always let yoy down at some point.

Was thinking this earlier.

Is there anything she could possibly be annoyed about?

Did you invite her over to you as much as she did? Initiate texts and conversation? Perhaps ask one too many favours? (I'm guessing it nothing you've done, btw, just putting it out there).

I have fairly recently decided to stop maintaining a friendship with someone I've been friends with for 5ish years. She asked me to look after her kids a little too frequently Rarely texted me unless it was leading up to a favour and I decided I wasn't getting much positivity from the friendship, so have tried to cool it off.

Nope I didn’t ask many favours ever, I asked frequently if she was free to meet up....

I was always interested in what’s going on with her and asking her about what’s going on in her life.

The only thing I can think of is that I’m not a social drinker. She’s a pub person and so is her husband and they do go to the pub with some of the other school parents. I can’t drink due to medication and am not a pub person anyway. I’m quite shy and keep myself to myself, but not in a stand offish way.