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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my marriage is over

32 replies

NeverGotMyPuppy · 06/10/2019 17:27

I'm just so sad. I feel like I've tried so hard. But we cant seem to be together for more than a day without arguing. He is impossible to live with. When it's good it's great but when it's bad it chips away at my faith and I feel like we have had too many chips.

He has agreed to go to a counsellor but I feel like it might be too late.

I'm sad and terrified and feel so bad for our wonderful year old son. This is a nightmare.and he didnt choose it.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2019 17:33

Is he abusive or is this just arguments? So long as he isn't abusive, I would at least try the counselling. The period after having a baby can be very, very difficult on a relationship. Do you think that may be part of your problems?

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 06/10/2019 17:37

You know I dont think the baby has been the cause of the problems tho I'm happy to admit it's probably made it worse.

He isnt abusive. He is just massively massively defensive and obsessed with criticism. He also ends up saying things were said in a different order than they actually were - so I end up having to correct him.andni feelmlike.we have an argument within an argument within an argument if that makes sense? I have often said I feel like I'm on trial all the time. I wish I had CCTV.

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 06/10/2019 17:37

Thank you for replying btw. I feel rather alone.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2019 17:41

I'm sorry you feel so awful. I would try counselling, though. If there's a chance to save your marriage and keep your family together, you should take it.

PicsInRed · 06/10/2019 17:42

Does he DARVO in disagreements? Have a google and see if that looks familiar. If so, I'm afraid there's really nothing to be done as nothing can ever be resolved and you will always be "wrong".

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 06/10/2019 17:43

Thanks. You're right, I want to have tried everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 06/10/2019 17:45

No I dont think he does. He is just obsessed about being criticised.

OP posts:

PhannyPharts · 06/10/2019 18:26

Try the counselling. Go in good faith so you can know you did all you could. If it doesn't change the way you feel then whilst it's sad, and it will have challenges, in the long run it is better to be apart with the opportunity to be happy then staying together for your child

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 06/10/2019 18:39

Thank you. I will.

I'm so afraid it's over and I'm so afraid of the situation as it is never ending.

OP posts:

Hederex · 06/10/2019 18:42

What kind of criticism?

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 06/10/2019 18:55

Literally anything! So good example the other day.

I had 3 washes on the go (one on one outside, opening the drier). We never do this but we had got caught with showers. I had told DH that the third wash was on. Later we agree we would like an early night. I said 'I need to sort the washing' and he said 'oh I've done that'. At 9.30 I go to take it out the drier- but the last wash was still in the washer, soaking wet and it contained stuff we needed for the next day. I said 'it's still soaking 'to which DH launched off on one that he 'cant believe he is being criticsed for not sorting washing that he didnt know existed'. He just went on and on. Literally all I had said was that sentence. I finally manage to make my point that he had said he had sorted it which is why I thought he had! And if he had simply said 'oh sorry - I didnt realise there was another one'then fine - these things happen. But his first automatic response is defence. He said I didnt give him chance to apologise - I said that I reacted to the defence which was the first emotion.

It sounds utterly ridiculous written down. But these things happen several times a week. I'm.tired of having to do post mortems. Today I had a takeaway cup of coffee in the car - basically empty. Stupidly I rested it in the cup holder even tho it doesnt fit- it got knocked off down.by DH's feet (he was driving). He picked it up and as he did so spilled coffee on himself. I called his name to alert him to this and his response was 'dont make this about me'.

I mean what the fuck?! Am I going mad? I'm happy to be told I'm in the wrong. I'm just sick of living like this.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2019 19:03

...and you don't think relentless, soul chipping criticism is abusive? ...why not?

It most certainly is.

Don't ho to counciling with him. You can never win right? There's always some issue that didn't even need to be an issue. You're always watching what you say and do to try and manage his reactions because you.just.can't.be.arsed with yet another unnecessary argument... that according to him, you brought on yourself. If you go to counciling with people like this, they only manipulate the councilor into thinking you are the one with the problem and you leave feeling even worse.

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2019 19:04

*arsed with

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 06/10/2019 19:04

Pinkbonbon sorry I'm confused. Do you think I am relentlessly criticising him?

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Dljlr · 06/10/2019 19:07

This resonates with me SO MUCH and I don't know what to do about it either. I have actually tried to record our arguments but it made me feel weird so I didn't do it but I really want to because he just doesn't GET it and it makes me feel like I'm going mad!

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2019 19:12

No, I think he is relentlessly finding fault with you.

Because it's all about control. He is keeping you worrying about his moods - so that you focus constantly on your behaviour and modifying it to keep him happy. Rather than focusing on the fact that he, is a total shit.

zafferana · 06/10/2019 19:14

If there's a chance to save your marriage and keep your family together, you should take it.

I completely disagree with this ^. There are situations where a marriage can be saved and measures should be taken to try and do so, as long as both parties want that, but saving a shit marriage so it can limp on for another few months or years, further eroding and demoralising one (or both) of the participants is a terrible idea. OP only you know if your marriage is worth saving and ultimately that comes down to whether you think your DH could (or even wants to) change and be a less defensive and angry all the time. Do you still love him? Do you want to try and work on this? Don't be guilted into flogging a dead horse by complete strangers on the internet, if you're miserable and utterly worn down by endless criticism and knee-jerk attacks.

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 06/10/2019 19:14

Oh I see. Thanks that's helpful (completely non sarcastic!)

I do accept that I have probably been more critical since having DS. He slept terribly for months and I was a nervous wreck. I spent all day everyday with him so I knew.hoe to do things- DH found that quite difficult and I will.admit that I couldnt just let him make mistakes.

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Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2019 19:15

Oh and Dljlr: he gets it.

If you find yourself explaining to someone why their obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful - it is a really good indicator that you are with someone who is emotionally manipulative.

They understand. They just don't care. And its hard for us, to understand that. Let alone believe it about someone we care for.

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 06/10/2019 19:16

Thanks @zafferana, you are right.

I do love him. I dont want to think of him as abusive. But this is just killing my love for him

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Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2019 19:17

I'm not saying you are being critical though...lol.

I'm saying he is.

Original poster

NeverGotMyPuppy · 06/10/2019 19:21

No I understand what you are saying

I.just feel I need to examine both of us fairly.

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Robin2323 · 06/10/2019 19:23

Things is ALL men hated criticism.
When I had dd I wouldn't let ex do a thing.

Try ignoring his 'mistakes' fir s day and see if it make a difference.

Was he badly criticised as a child?

I was and sadly he does make you defensive. CBT helped me loads.

I can now keep quite if dh does something 'stupid' and a lot of time it really doesn't matter.

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2019 19:27

Oh yeah definitely. As long as you are being fair on yourself too. And not taking responsibility for HIS bad behaviour.

Dljlr · 06/10/2019 19:28

Pinkbonbon I've actually said this to him. But I still manage to feel, afterwards, that perhaps it's me in the wrong not him. Gah. Sorry op, not about me. I hope you manage to work out what you want to do. I made DP move out, he left a year ago, but the house is solely mine and no kids together so it was relatively straightforward. He's still my bf but at least I can tell him to go home when these circular ridiculous arguments get going. This probably isn't an option for you! But I really couldn't have gone on living like it.

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