I have been so patient, but now I need support and he is still 100% focused on himself

[BlabbingAway]

Hi all, I'd love to hear some opinions on my situation, as my head is a bit of a mess.

I have been dating my bf for 9 months, he is 45 and I am 33. He separated from his wife of 20 years only 3 months before we started dating, which I knew at the time it wasn't ideal timing, but I decided to take a gamble as I really liked the man.

We are very much in love with each other, but I am starting to struggle with some of the dynamics of this relationship. I have been very patient and supportive throughout these 10 months, as I understood he was going through a big life transition. I have been understanding whenever he was stressed about his circumstances and found it difficult to adapt to life as a single parent.

Many times I have avoided sharing my own problems because they just seems so trivial by comparison, and I didn't want to add to his stress. I have also been patient about certain aspects of our relationship that have been put on hold while he was adjusting to his separated life, for example we have never been on a trip together (he has money and time) because he wants to be around while his DC adapt to their new life, which is a decision I understood and supported.

However lately my circumstances have suddenly changed, and I now face the possibility of being fired any moment because my manager has suddenly targeted me and decided he wants me out of his way as soon as possible. This situation is causing me a huge amount of stress, I feel very anxious and I now need bf's support and understanding.

However bf is still very engrossed in his personal drama, this week he has found it "difficult to cope" for no particular reason, he is struggling to organize his life and feels stressed. Every time we talk he moans about his situation and his problems, which I would normally be ok with but right now I just have no emotional bandwidth to support someone else through their own issues.

I now need his emotional support and understanding, but he doesn't seem to realize it is his turn to set aside his stuff for a couple of weeks and just be there for me. He suddenly seems so self-centered, he genuinely doesn't get it.

I will speak to him more openly when I see him in a couple of days and explain how I feel, but I wanted to hear some external perspectives on this dynamic.

How do you suggest I approach this situation?

I'm afraid to say it sounds like you were a rebound relationship for him. Sounds like an awful lot of hard work for only 9 months in.

If I were you I'd leave. He sounds like an emotional vampire and extremely self centred. People like this very often cannot reciprocate the emotional support they demand from their partners leaving you feeling alone in the relationship and drained.

Your feelings matter just as much as his.

Inwood I thought so but he is still crazy in love with me and seriously wants to be with me, which I thought 9 months in were signs of the fact that it wasn't just a rebound. It's just that he seems incapable of looking past his own personal issues.

Dump him and find someone who likes you for yourself, not someone looking for a crutch. He sounds very self absorbed and selfish.

Ah this sounds shit, I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need.

I suggest you break up with him. You are at totally different stages in your lives and aren't compatible. He is a far-too-recently-single middle-aged father (I'm not being cruel about his age; I'm a couple of years older than him!) with all the emotional and practical baggage this brings; you are are a young, presumably child-free independent woman.

He will take years to adjust fully to his new situation, and of course his priority should be his children. He is in no fit state to be a partner to someone new at the moment.

You're young. You have choices - develop your career, travel, have children ... a 45-year-old father with loads of emotional baggage is not going to be able to support you with any of this, and your boyfriend sounds particularly self-absorbed. If he's not able to see for himself that you're struggling, he's not worthy of you, surely? He can't give you what you need.

Oh God, just cut your losses. I can see what he gets from the relationship- a much younger girlfriend who is willing to endlessly listen to his problems, but why are you there? Seriously, it sounds so one sided.

This is not a good relationship. I'm not sure what else can be said.

"Crazy in love with you" - how did you work that out based on him using you and not being interested in, or showing care or concern, over your difficulties?

That's a fairly crappy definition of "love" you seem to be working from.

Quince he does show me love, he is very caring in a practical way, he cooks for me, brings me breakfast in bed, takes care of me in lovely ways every time we see each other. He is someone who shows love in practical ways.

It is just that he doesn't get that this is the time to emotionally support me and set his drama aside for a minute.

He's crazy in love with you BECAUSE you have been nothing but a support for him. And by that I mean that's how he sees you - as nothing expect in relation to the support you give him. Withdraw that support even a little and I think it will be a very different story.

The relationship dynamic has been set. He's the star at the centre of his own drama and you are a bit player who has suppressed yourself and are all consumed by his needs. Who the fuck won't be crazy in love with someone who gives 120% support and expects 0% back? You are a reflection of him, not a person in your own right. He obviously loves himself so he also loves his reflection.

Oh yes this is what happens the world over.
Here is something you may not like to hear.
The emotional stress/ sad man/ poor old single dad story isn’t just his reality... it’s the tool he uses to get a younger woman.
You will think you can save him.
You’ll think he’s a victim of his ex/ the family courts/ whatever it is he moans on about.
Really he cares far less than he makes out, but the drama works in his favour to get your attention.
Just sack this one off, find someone your own age with no baggage, and don’t contemplate having a baby with this man , who’ll go off you like hot rocks the moment you stop engaging with his drama. Harsh but true. I was you once.

What strikes me is your own lack of agency/control. He is 'leading' the relationship, only his feelings and problems count etc. So you're left feeling voiceless in a way. And then you have this shitty work situation where again, someone else is calling all the shots. Your bf can't solve that for you anyway. You might feel better and find you can think more clearly if you take action at work - whether that's reporting your boss for bullying or looking for a great new job! With the bf I don't know, it seems too hard work. Timing does matter in these things. Your relationship will never move forward when he's still in the post-separation vortex. He's probably not being crap to you on purpose. But you're not getting what you need. If it's more stress/anguish than fun, I think you should end it or at least take a break. Good luck!

Look up codependency OP when you ignore you own feelings wants and needs and instead focus and fixate on your partners to the point it harms you. It will get worse and is just misery. Stop doing this and look after yourself

He loves you in that you’ve made him feel better, and he’s very grateful for that, but does he love you in that he thinks about your feelings? Try and look at his actions rather than his words, what are they telling you? He should be able to support you at this time.

Lasso I am taking action at work and interviewing for other roles. It just takes time though and this limbo I am in is really stressful.

I had one of these. He was also madly in love with me but it was all about how I could meet his needs. He didn't change in 8 wasted years. Get out whilst you can.

My advice op? Dump.

You are not on his priority list. Though I expect you to come back with 'but but but, he does xyz and I love him'

It sounds like he needs to process his marriage fallout before he can commit to you. It may be that he’s never been able to be emotionally supportive.

You could talk to him, explain how you need the relationship to work for both of you. The problem will come if he feels you’re being resentful of giving him so much.

It sounds like he’s afraid of being alone to be honest.

He only wants to be with you when you can support him - but not when you need support. Think about how that would be long term.

Breakfast in bed is an easy gesture to win adoration. And how is cooking for you a declaration of being crazy in love? Is that not just called "sharing chores"? Would he not have to cook or feed himself if you weren't around?

Somebody who loves you cares how you feel. They show that in a practical way by being supportive and interested and self aware enough to realise when their focus needs to be on you not themselves.

The practical gestures you describe are all easy things that can be just as much about his ego as how you feel. It wins him adoration, admiration, your continued presence as his crutch because "oh he's so lovely and nobody's ever been nice to me like this so it's worth it".

But if you're happy to receive bed in breakfast in exchange for providing unlimited psychological support services that's your choice.

Have you said "stop, I need you to listen to me and I need your emotional support"?

If you haven't, why not?
If you have, what did he say or do?

If he's basically a good guy and loves you, but has become accustomed to you being his sounding board, he should pull himself up short and try.

If he's basically a selfish, self-absorbed guy, then he'll kick off or turn it around on you.

If he's unable to give you what you need emotionally, you have to consider the future here very carefully. Do you want to have to face bereavements and illness and the occasional traumas of life, essentially on your own?

You had the ‘bandwidth’ for his problems when all was well with you but now you need support. The first bit sounds as though you were extremely focussed on him at the start. How did you meet? What set the tone for those early conversations together? Were they mutual (ie he’s interested in hearing about you and your life) or were you supporting him? It can be highly seductive to be the supportive partner when someone idealises you because you are so supportive, but it’s unlikely to be sustainable. What’s your own relationship history and what messages did you get about relationships growing up? (Not nosiness, a suggestion to consider these for yourself). You are finding out it’s difficult now you need emotional support but he’s apparently not available. You could, of course, decide to get that need met elsewhere by talking to friends or a therapist, and both might be helpful. But there is a risk if you do this your partner will get an implicit message he can continue as before. For this relationship to mature, you need to let him know you are a human being with needs too, not counsellor/mum/ideal. You also need to encourage him to draw on other sources of support for himself.

Bed in breakfast?!

Breakfast. In. Bed.

Category this dynamics came to a alt a couple of days ago when the situation suddenly dawned on me. I am planning to talk to him (along the lines you suggested) when I see him tomorrow. It feels like a conversation it is better to have in person rather than on the phone.

He will use your problems as an excuse for his own inadequacies, while showing nothing to you to make you feel he’s listened
So like....
"Ooooh we’re under so much PRESSURE right now I can’t come to work/ fulfill my parenting duties (whatever ) because Blabbingaway has this big work issue" but he won’t give a fuck about your work issue. It’s all about how he can obtain a 'get out of jail free' card for his responsibilities .