I have been so patient, but now I need support and he is still 100% focused on himself

[BlabbingAway]

Hi all, I'd love to hear some opinions on my situation, as my head is a bit of a mess.

I have been dating my bf for 9 months, he is 45 and I am 33. He separated from his wife of 20 years only 3 months before we started dating, which I knew at the time it wasn't ideal timing, but I decided to take a gamble as I really liked the man.

We are very much in love with each other, but I am starting to struggle with some of the dynamics of this relationship. I have been very patient and supportive throughout these 10 months, as I understood he was going through a big life transition. I have been understanding whenever he was stressed about his circumstances and found it difficult to adapt to life as a single parent.

Many times I have avoided sharing my own problems because they just seems so trivial by comparison, and I didn't want to add to his stress. I have also been patient about certain aspects of our relationship that have been put on hold while he was adjusting to his separated life, for example we have never been on a trip together (he has money and time) because he wants to be around while his DC adapt to their new life, which is a decision I understood and supported.

However lately my circumstances have suddenly changed, and I now face the possibility of being fired any moment because my manager has suddenly targeted me and decided he wants me out of his way as soon as possible. This situation is causing me a huge amount of stress, I feel very anxious and I now need bf's support and understanding.

However bf is still very engrossed in his personal drama, this week he has found it "difficult to cope" for no particular reason, he is struggling to organize his life and feels stressed. Every time we talk he moans about his situation and his problems, which I would normally be ok with but right now I just have no emotional bandwidth to support someone else through their own issues.

I now need his emotional support and understanding, but he doesn't seem to realize it is his turn to set aside his stuff for a couple of weeks and just be there for me. He suddenly seems so self-centered, he genuinely doesn't get it.

I will speak to him more openly when I see him in a couple of days and explain how I feel, but I wanted to hear some external perspectives on this dynamic.

How do you suggest I approach this situation?

In the long term it's good that you have found out 10 months in how one sided your relationship is.

It's so much easier to being someone breakfast in bed than to talk about their problems for hours.

It doesn't sound like he's able to be an emotionally supportive partner. Meanwhile, you've been his therapist.

Too much baggage, he sounds draining.

Surely someone so into you will pick up on how stressed you are and ask? Echo what others have said.. poor me card, dad struggling with ex'w who's a monster and kids (he clearly can't cope with because he's never had to).. how did that marriage end? And how did you meet him? He's not a keeper!

Marriage ended mutually and amicably, he was the DC's main carer before the split and now they share custody 50/50. I don't think the issue is taking care of the DC, it is more about the responsibility of living life as a single person and single parent, which I appreciate is a big shift. He is not a monster or a bad person, he is just very engrossed in his own problems.

We met through mutual friends at a social event.

What are you doing OP? Seriously. Why would you pick up a man like this who is just out of a 20 year relationship. Why would you do that? Have you not wondered why his relationship ended? Could it be that his poor wife got sick of his arrogance and selfish ways? What you’re seeing is who he is. You’ve jumped straight in to being his emotional crutch! That’s not a good relationship. Are you that desperate that breakfast in bed is all it takes. There a lot more to a good relationship than that and now you are realising that the important stuff is missing.

My feeling is you'll sort the work problems out a lot quicker without this emotional vampire bleeding you dry.

Your relationship has been set up with you being a support and emotional crutch, he will always be the leading act. He sounds selfish and quite honestly....boring.

Phone calls end up with him moaning about his problems.

He constantly needs your emotional support because he can't cope.

Doesn't want to go on trips you want to.

Me. Me. Me.

What a drag!

I can see you starting to defend him on this thread and trying to convince yourself he is actually worth it after all, but you started this thread because you are unhappy and after
only 9 months in, it sounds pretty shit, imagine looking back after 5 years of this shit and realising all you've done us enable him, and lost yourself in a relationship that's based on his needs and wants only.

This trend will continue into very important areas in your life (e.g you are still young, what are both your thoughts on DC in the future? Will your needs be taken into account or will his supersede yours?)

Good luck at work, it sounds very stressful, I hope you work it out (there's some fantastic advice on MN about employment issues)

I was in the same situation, and realised eventually that the guy's wife must have left him because of his emotional ungenerosity and self-absorption. It's how some men are, and you can't always tell instantly which men are going through a temporary post-divorce crisis and which are a permanent wasre of space. Even if yours is the temporary-crisis type of selfish boyfriend, I've noticed that many men don't stay long term with the woman they have used as an emotional crutch. Sounds like you would be well rid of this guy, and probably soon given the problems at your work. You're stronger alone than with someone who sucks all your energy, and when you're in a better place you can look for a better boyfriend.

There is some very good advice on here and you're listening but you're not hearing.

He has DC and realistically he will have ongoing issues to tackle from now on as a single parent. I don't think you have any idea of the gravity of that.

If you are happy to be last on the list (which you're obviously not) this is what your life will be like from now on, so either accept it or move on and find someone who you are on the same level with and supports you equally.

You can talk to him face to face until the cows come home. It won't make one blind bit of difference because this will be an ongoing issue in your life.

I think someone can put their DC first and still support their partner.

Unless (which could be possible) he's going through short term mental health problems due to stress, rather than this being a frequent personality trait, I wouldn't put up with someone this self-absorbed.

Even if it's his mental health, it's a lot of energy and emotional labour for you to invest this early in a relationship.

I would suggest he seeks professional help of some kind, and if he won't, break up with him.

Either way, see how it goes and if it carries on being that you get less out of it than you're giving, unless you 100% adore him and want to wait and see whether this is just a bad patch he'll snap out of, dump him. Even then, you could maybe give it an internal deadline by which time you want to see some improvement in his level of emotional support and stability.

Best wishes xxx

You weren’t accommodating him, you’ve enabled a dynamic where his needs are the priority. He isn’t incapable of prioritising your needs, it’s just he doesn’t want to and it wasn’t expected of him.

Do you really think you’d be 10 months in if you hadn’t chosen to be his emotional support soft landing? The truth is that some men are incapable of being single.

Talk openly to him. If you have had this dynamic from the beginnin he could well have gotten used to it and cant see any further. Its just become routine. You never put your needs out there (for his wellbeing) but now he has gotten used to you having no needs. Tell me exactly what u said here. Tell him now you need him and his support and that in the past you have supported him all the way and pretended to be stronger than you are and now you cant do that and u need him. All the best op

I think that 9 months in it's really difficult to establish a set dynamic in a relationship.

He does sound like a self-absorbed dullard, and you can do better.