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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He is 7 years older than his online profile

39 replies

SingleSal · 06/10/2019 00:26

Hi Ladies I’ve been dating a great guy for a few months now and It’s been great.

We met online so obviously I was aware of his age from his profile, we have never discussed it.
I found out last night that he is actually 7 years older than his profile, I saw it on his driving license.
I’m really shocked, firstly 7 years is a big fib but also upto now he has been the most honest and trustworthy guy I’ve met online.
How do you think I should deal with this?

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 06/10/2019 00:36

It is a common thing for people to lie about their age online, and perhaps offline. Some online users lower their age to capture a more youthful group of suitors.

I don't suppose 7 years is a deal-breaker as such, as I presume you find him attractive. However, it is a sign of someone who can fudge the truth....and that requires you to proceed with caution. You cannot take anything he says about himself, or past relationships to be the truth unless you can verify it. Even if you discuss the age issue with him, he will probably have an innocent explanation...a technical hitch on the website etc.

AnyMinuteNow · 06/10/2019 00:38

Red flag...liar.

Jane1978xx · 06/10/2019 00:39

Did you ever ask him and he lied or have you only seen in his profile. It could have been a genuine mistake 🤷🏼‍♀️. Or has it never come up in conversation about say bands or something about how old he was at a certain time.

minesagin37 · 06/10/2019 00:43

Say 'so how old are you?' If he says 'Well actually I've been meaning to tell you my real age is...' then it's fine. If he carries on lying. It's a problem.

SingleSal · 06/10/2019 02:17

Thanks these are all really good options.
He has never lied directly to me it has never been something we discussed. I realised there was a potential issue when he changed the subject very rapidly when someone else asked his age.
It’s not a deal breaker as such and I do find him attractive-but 7 years is 7 years. If we are together long term (and that’s how this has been progressing) he won’t hit those life milestones at the same time as me (I thought we were the same age).
I guess I’m just getting my mind around that as much as anything else.
We are middle aged btw so it’s not an issue of kids or anything like that - more lifestyle and ultimately health I guess.

OP posts:
Lipz · 06/10/2019 02:27

7 years is nothing. I'd say he lied on his profile as some people don't like saying how old they really are. Probably thought shaving off a few years would make him more attractive.

If he brushed off the age question from someone else, then he's more than likely embarrassed at you finding it and may feel it's gone too far now to tell you for fear of losing you.

If he doesn't lie to your face now and you like him and you have no other reason to doubt him, then what I'd do is sit beside him, whisper in his ear "I know your real age" give him a wink and tell him you fancy a shag. He'll probably be relieved that the truth is out.

safariboot · 06/10/2019 02:39

upto now he has been the most honest and trustworthy guy

How do you know?

SingleSal · 06/10/2019 02:39

🤣🤣🤣 love it!

OP posts:
SingleSal · 06/10/2019 02:43

Upto now everything he has said has checked out.
I’ve met his family, friends and co workers.

There have been no inconsistency in anything he’s told me directly

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 06/10/2019 02:49

I think I would make a joke about it and tell him you know. I don't do online dating but knock ten years off my age for all kinds of other online stuff. Nobody wants to be old.

Skittlesandbeer · 06/10/2019 03:09

I wouldn’t let him off the hook by making a joke of it. I’d never want to set a precedent with a partner that it’s ok to lie to me. Where could that lead?

I’d sit him down and let him know that I knew about his lie, that it had hurt and concerned me. That honesty was crucial for trust, in my mind. Then I’d stop, and wait for what he says. I think it’ll be illuminating. If it’s been bugging him, and he’s been losing sleep over his deception and web he’s caught himself in, then I’d see that as positive.

If he just carries on in a defensive way, or tries to brush it off as ‘well everybody does it’ I’d be more worried.

Basically, his ‘little lie’ shows him to be dishonest, vain and manipulative (even though not in a serious way). The fact he hasn’t fessed up, shame-facedly, as time has gone on shows him to be a coward. And suggests he thinks you’re stupid, surely?

I’d definitely be asking how he thought this silliness would play out, if you hadn’t brought it up.

Again, I don’t see it as immediate cause to leave him, but his reaction to ‘The Talk’ might. See how much he acknowledges your feelings, and explains his own ethical dodginess. That’d be the clincher for me. State the bare facts, then sit back and watch carefully to see the measure of the man. If he responds like a little boy, then you have your answer.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 06/10/2019 03:43

I wouldn't worry too much. Maybe he's sensitive about it. I thought my now-husband was 3 years younger than he turned out to be, because I thought he was the same age as his friend who I knew quite well. When I found out we were never going to be in the same decade of age as one another, it took a bit of adjustment (not that I ever brought it up because he's also sensitive about it) but I got over it. Our age gap is quite a bit bigger than yours and we've been together 9 years now. Obviously in our situation it wasn't that he'd lied, he'd just never corrected my assumption. It depends how important something like this is and how you want to play it. Some people might go in confrontationally, others might make a joke to give him a chance to not feel "attacked". There's no single solution; the ball's entirely in your court.

aboutbloodytime123 · 06/10/2019 08:00

I have a friend who did this for years. It got horrendous because in the end he just didn't know how to confess. I remember a very cringeworthy 35th birthday which was actually his 40th. He admitted it eventually and the relationship did survive - they split for other reasons much later on but his partner never really got over it I don't think.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 06/10/2019 08:23

Seven years really isn’t going to make a difference. It’s one thing if we are talking a decade or more but less than ten years isn’t going to have as much of an effect on health as lifestyle. My mother was seven years younger than my father and still died first 🤷‍♀️.

It’s just such s stupid lie to tell - it’s concerning that have would just lie like that.

TildaKauskumholm · 06/10/2019 08:32

It's very common. My sister claims to be 39 in OLD (and uses a photo from around that age..... she's 64. Would love to be a fly on the wall on the first dates (we're NC as she's vile).

GrumpiestCat · 06/10/2019 08:39

Loads of men do this the record I found was a 14 year fib! I chose someone who was honest about their age and I do think it's one of those signals to watch out for. Casual lying isn't great. Honesty is. Keep your guard up.

Chocolate123 · 06/10/2019 08:40

I found it happened a lot especially with men over 40 on OLD. I wouldn't see it as a big issue if he's great in other ways especially if there no kids involved etc. I'd make him squirm for a while though

IncrediblySadToo · 06/10/2019 08:41

@tilda 7 years is one thing, 35 is quite another 😳 isn’t it. No contact probably saves your sanity!!

@SingleSal I’d have to say something. Depends on his personality what I’d say or how I’d say it, but it’s not something that would bother me too much. It’s in the online dating little white lie category for me. If I started OLD I’d probably knock a few years off too!

nevernotstruggling · 06/10/2019 08:46

I dated a guy in 2014 who was then 45. He was lovely and we saw each other for a year. I met his daughter and mort people he knows. I don't think he lied to me about anything. He has a business and a gorgeous property and a good standard of living. We parted way because we didn't fall in love

He pops up on dating sites now aged from anything from 40 upward. He is 50 in December this year.

I have no idea why he lies but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth though he did nothing alarming when I was seeing him at all.

PinkCrayon · 06/10/2019 08:53

You get different types of liars. Some people who lie about little things some that lie about big things. Some are convincing some are not. Either way they are all liars. I couldn't put up with it personally. I have a real problem with people who lie they just aren't genuine.

testing987654321 · 06/10/2019 09:08

Definitely speak to him directly about it. I (like most people) can't stand being lied to and would want an explanation.

He basically tricked you into dating him.

I never wanted an older man but fell for someone who is 7 years older than me. He can retire soon but I will be working for at least another 10 years. It does mean we are at different life stages, which is not insurmountable but I would prefer a same age situation.

LazyDaisey · 06/10/2019 09:31

I think the issue is - would you have gone on a date with him if you knew he was 7 years older? If the answer is no, it doesn’t matter how these other posters feel about your situation. It’s up to you.

But, you will get this a lot with online dating, so maybe change your profile and ask people to be upfront with you about ages when they initially contact you.

TobyHouseMan · 06/10/2019 10:05

If he had put his real age online would you have still contacted him? A lot of people just discard otherwise lovely people because of a number. That's why he did it. It doesn't mean he's untrustworthy just because he gave you the wrong age before he knew you.

If you like him Enough, ignore it and enjoy your relationship.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 06/10/2019 10:44

2 red flags for me

The fact that he lied AND that he was shallow enough to lie about age in the first place.
Or worse, perhaps he was trying to catch the attention of younger women.

It would also make me wonder what else he has lied about

It's quite pathetic really, although admittedly I have a preference for older men (if I were single).

Just be honest and ask him

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 06/10/2019 10:58

A lot of people just discard otherwise lovely people because of a number. That's why he did it. It doesn't mean he's untrustworthy just because he gave you the wrong age before he knew you.

Sorry, what?

He intentionally misled women on the site that would not be interested in him because of his age (which is entirely their prerogative), in order to date them until they form an attachment, and then just have to suck up the fact that he was lying in order to get younger partner? And that's totally fine because he's otherwise a 'lovely guy'?

Fuck that.

No one has a right to date anyone. If someone 'discards' you before meeting you because you do not fit into their criteria that is their choice. You don't get to lie to them and then wait until they're already invested before revealing the truth. It's pure manipulation and exactly how PUA nonsense works. It shouldn't be normalised for men or women to lie about themselves to get a date particularly if you know the other party is looking for a relationship.

A 7 year age gap isn't a big deal at all if you're happy with it, but I wouldn't date someone that lied about something so ridiculous so early one unless they had a very convincing reason/explanation.