I'm not offended by suggestions of affairs, don't worry.
It has crossed mind. Not for now but the long term picture. If I did it would be very discreet . I don't know if he'd turn a blind eye to it given the circumstances. I suspect he would but don't want to count on that. He's not the jealous kind. For now not an option but I do give it thought. But I'm late 40s (he's older) . Emotionally I'm not ready for an affair.But I did earlier this year actively avoid a scenario where I could have spent lots of time alone with an ex (whom I had the best sex ever with)....I knew I'd be tempted so stayed away. As I do love DP.
I just miss physical love.
Pleasehelp, if that was the case there's no way I'd be staying. No way. We are childless. (I'm infertile, he possibly is but never wanted kids, with anyone). He's the cook. I clean. It works well that way, I hate cooking and enjoy cleaning. And he does a lot for me. Like goes the extra mile.He really is great on that score and caring, he just doesn't show it physically. It's almost like a kindly father or uncle but obviously I'd rather have a lover for my partner!
The sex problem is down to physical health issues (various) some of which he has dealt with (and things actually got worse) and some of which are new and he's not dealing with. I can't make him deal with them. I've said all I have to say to him including a few home truths re his health and his family (his family have had a lot of bereavements in the last few years..) I can't march him to doctors. I've told him to write it all down and show doctor as I know he can't say it. Doubt he will though. That's by the by. The biggest problem is no libido . Zero. He could /can perform sexually , not like a younger man could but it was ok. Could only do one position due to not being able to sustain erection but we got by. Or rather was ok until a new health issue has come to light.
My self esteem is very low but I have to keep telling myself it's not me.
He says he lost his libido about the time he turned 40. I'm pretty sure this is what ended a ten yr relationship with his ex. They carried on for some years but he admits it was an issue. He was then single and celibate for 5 yrs. He says he had no interest and wasn't bothered ever having sex again. He did have some drive then as would masturbate occasionally.
I came on the scene and broke his five year celibacy. But he had slight performance problems (then undiagnosed diabetes) but he was still willing to mess around (other sexual ways). But very low libido. We'd try make the effort once a week or so. This turned into about once a month to now, zero and it's off the cards.
He turned around his health to an extent (not sexually) when diabetes diagnosed but the sexual problems got way worse. He blames it on metaformin re performance. We thought everything would improve inc on that score and everything did except sexual function. But again the biggest problem being libido..what was low became non existent. We would mess around with toys but he would feel frustrated as couldn't go further. He said he'd rather stop than be that frustrated (and yes, obviously frustrating for me too...).
Now a new issue is causing a lot of discomfort. But the libido gone forever. The very occasional wank (to put it bluntly) when we were apart has stopped. Everything. He says no urge, doesn't fancy me or anyone. Loves me does not fancy me. I find it very sad. It's an indication of his general health. It worries me it doesn't bother him. why does he not care he runs the risk of potentially losing me? Like his ex? Or does he just assume I love him enough to stay. He's too defensive to talk about it. But he says he's felt like this for the last 16 yrs or so. He says 'it's not me it never was me'. I guess he was just doing the minimum 'token gesture' of intimacy for me and his ex. If his mind isn't into it (and it does start with the mind! My view is that that is the biggest sexual organ!) then I don't want to do anything sexual with him. I wouldn't be turned on knowing that he wasn't (and if he does get turned on, it's painful for him and frustrating) and that was just going through the motions. But it's come to this point where he's now said he doesn't want any of it.
I feel so sad he's resigned to this.
His friends have told me during his five years of singleness/celibacy they were worried about him...like the light had gone out and he was totally accepting of his lot. They were happy and surprised when I came along as had never imagined him in another relationship.
I know even if we walk past ,say, a stunning scantily clad woman on the street, there isn't a flicker. He doesn't notice at all. I actually wish he would as it would mean he was healthier.
It's like he's dead from the waist down..but it definitely starts with his mind.
I feel in my 40s I'm too young to be celibate. But as I said, will take one day at a time.
I have a few friends in exact same position. I know it's not 'just' me and I know the problem isn't me, although I do have to keep telling myself that. (and my friends in the same boat are very attractive..in fact one is like a model... so I know it's nothing about looks if you view it in a shallow way) When I feel down and that I'm not attractive enough I remind myself I'm not the one wanted to give up on sex. and he is lucky to have a younger woman on his arm, who does make an effort . It feels such a waste. No kids around, not menopausal, and I have a normal drive. As we both work a lot of late hours there is always chance for lots of long lie ins so it's such a shame. I've already had five years with v little sex and sex that wasn't great. So it's a big compromise. But I've also had 5 good years with him, sex aside. Would I like to be celibate in another five? Probably not.
Does the menopause tend to kill drive dead? But I could be years from that. And it's not something I want to rely on. That's quite a pessimistic way to view it.. I don't want my libido to go so I can join him! I used to be a really sexual being. It's died down as I've got older but I'm hardly past it at 48 and with no kids around should be swinging from the chandeliers! ;)
I reminded him we have friends in their 60s who have fantastic sex lives so it isn't an age issue. That didn't go down well, and probably wasnt fair of me as everything is different and they don't have his exact problems.