If you are remaining in a celibate relationship (and it's not your choice)...

[alltoomuchrightnow]

How do you cope? Have you come fully to terms with it? And why did you decide to stay?
For various reasons my DP can't have sex. We've gone from an infrequent sex life to now celibate. Been together 5.5 years. This post isn't about him as I can't change him/ his health problems. It's about me dealing with it. We had a Talk yesterday and it does seem this is it, sex wise. End of the line. Not a total surprise given the way things have been. But am reeling a bit as didn't realise how bad his various issues had got.
I didn't want to put this on AIBU as I'd probably get cries of 'leave the bastard' and he's not that (and wouldn't be helpful for me to hear right now when I'm fragile).
For now I see enough reason to stay. I WANT to stay. It's not ideal. I don't know what the future will bring and I will have to take one day at a time. We do love each other and are great companions (we are actually old friends from way way back) . I know sex for many is a deal breaker and in the past would have been for me. It may still be, only time can tell. But for now I want to be with him. So it's not a choice of being martyr and staying and being resentful.. I'm sad but not resentful.
How do others cope if it's not your choice to have a sexless relationship but you choose to stay? Is it something you had to grieve?
(Please don't talk about 'having sex' in different ways rather than PIV, as it's not going to happen.. and as I said.. it's not about his issues but about how I'm going to have to try and accept it (sorry if that sounds harsh! but I've had 'wellmeaning' advice before and we did try having the non penetetrive sex and this is not option now. all sex off the agenda..)
How do you go forward in a sexless relationship without feeling like brother and sister?
Does anyone make it work?
Again, I'm feeling fragile. Cries of 'well I would leave' or 'WHY won't he sort it out' won't help. I'd love to hear from those in my position who HAVE chosen to stay. Without sex.
Sorry if this sounds defensive but I've had some really negative comments from a couple of friends (not because I was volunteering information but because it just came up in chat and I'm not going to lie about it..)

SimonJT, why if you don't me asking , would your ex not have penetrative sex? My first boyfriend was like that. I think partly it was fear of pregnancy (even though even then I suspected i was infertile) but I also think laziness, as he was a bit of a stoner and it was too much exertion for him. I know he was like that with subsequent girlfriends.. as I knew them and they told me!
I had another boyfriend who like DP had no libido. He could perform fine when we did but had no libido, thought sex was dirty and had severe catholic hangups. That was a very bad time for my self esteem.
So a lot of what I'm feeling right now is bringing back those old feelings.. oh it's me. I'm not good enough... this is the 3rd guy..but I know it's not me. It's just bad luck I've been out with three dysfunctional men. On the flip side, I've had others that had insane drives and treated me like a piece of meat (the roving eye and viewing me as good for one thing.. and very controlling). Which is just as bad as my current situation. It wasn't loving sex. That's only happened with a couple of exes really.

Would you consider counselling on your own, OP?

I think it's very sad that he won't consider meeting your sexual needs in any way, without discussion & won't engage with any Dr/treatments.

These are not the actions of a loving & caring partner, sadly. And that is a lot for you to come to terms with.

I'm 7ish years in & planning to leave, when I can get my financial situation better. I've learned not to take it personally (it's his issue not mine).

But I can't go the rest of my life without sex. Unfortunately the lack of sex has eroded our relationship away.

I'm mid-40's too & realise I might not be getting much more sex when single, but will be living a more authentic life.

@alltoomuchrightnow He just didn’t like the idea of it, so didn’t want to try it.

I am really sorry if this has been suggested OP, but you mentioned your partner will be physically affectionate and cuddle in bed. How would he feel about doing that whilst you masturbated? I know it is not the same, but would keep some sexual intimacy between you? Obviously understand that might not be possible either.

I am with you 100% that sex is really important in a relationship and you have tried hard to be supportive. You might need to make a difficult decision to do what is right for you.

Lex, he won't any more. He pulled a face at my suggestion. This was part of our chat a few days ago. That's when I knew it really was the end of everything sexual. In fact the Talk started because I had suggested we use a toy (so as no pressure on him) He used to do that. This is how my post all started in fact. That he won't even do that now. This is how bad it's got. End of the line of everything sexually. I got v upset because he won't even entertain that idea. Pulling a face is very hurtful. But he explained because he has no urges at all now (before, we'd try with the toy and he'd get turned on and then frustrated.. or physical discomfort from that.. so that wasn't great either. Obviously the Peyronies has added to this.... ) I am hurt he can't even do this for me. It was always our way round things, he was happy to do it, he found it sexy, sometimes it did lead to sex, but there was no pressure. He's also actually bought me vibrators before to use together (in fact right from the start. along with when he bought the dodgy viagra and testostorone on line). That (toys) was kind of my compromise and it worked ok. It wasn't ideal but was enough for me. this is why I'm struggling now. But I don't even want to be with him playing with toys if he's lost all interest. It would make me feel kind of too selfconscious, even grubby. Why should I feel bad for wanting sex with my partner? Or even just sexual acts that make it easier for him.
I remember healthy sex lives in my old life (Lives?) and want to cry. We should be really enjoying ourselves at this time of life without kids and early mornings.
He thinks since he started on metaformin it improved his diabetes but made the libido and impotence far far worse .
As for counselling.. maybe but I think then the resentment would set in that I'd be going alone and having to pay too. Right now in no position to pay for it. Also a few years ago I was having tons of counselling (unrelated to DP). It didn't do much for me. I've always found it more helpful to talk to friends. Or anon on here helps of course so thanks for all the replies. The friends in the same position of course help .The ones that are negative do not. It's not as simple as upping and leaving. Some of their comments have really upset me as I end up feeling worthless and inadequate. I don't have the means / money to leave anyway , I'd be homeless. I do not earn enough to manage, support myself, yet . I'm finding my feet in a new job/ career. Starting at the bottom . Also in many ways I love our little life here, me him and the pets in a lovely location. There's so much to lose. What if I gave all that up for sex and that sex didn't last or turned sour? Is sex the be all and end all? Sex can be terribly lonely too with the wrong person and you don't always know they are the wrong person until you have sex with them! (I've never hugely slept around but have a fairly experienced past)
Different if I had the whole package of course..the man that offered more than just casual sex. But I do love DP. Love isn't always enough, I know from past experiences. And he's hurt me, really hurt me. Even though he loves me. And if he doesn't sort out his newer health issues soon, it won't just be me that is hurting. The childish petty part of me feels like telling him perhaps he developed Peyronies from lack of sex (ie use it or lose it).

Simon that's so strange.. but I have met men with those views.. also gay men who won't penetrate another man...they just find other ways

Alltoomuch then I completely understand. You deserve to express your sexuality and it is unfair of anyone to expect you to completely suppress it because they no longer can/wish to be sexual with anyone. I feel he is being unfair to not support you in the way you describe as working previously as a loving act for his (very understanding partner).

I know this must be ridiculously difficult for you, but to be fair to yourself it might be time for you to walk away

Yours is one of the very rare occasions that I believe an open relationship or affair would be the answer. If you can discuss this and get his agreement why can't you enter into a 'sex only' type affair? I realise this carries its own issues as you risk losing your heart to someone else but as you would be going into this with his blessing and knowledge then you would be able to set the rules clearly at the beginning. It's something you can take your time over and may really enjoy whilst getting to keep the companion that makes you happy. It's a taboo subject but there are thousands of people making this work. And probably many more that secretly wish they could!

It has got poly written all over this problem.

You remain with your primary partner but have a second partner to satisfy your other needs. A sort of friend and lover because ONS won't cut it for you.

It's called relationship anarchy because it is outside the box of what society deems as normal.

I'm in the same boat as well, but have young children.

I find the issue something to manage and cope with as best I can at the moment. My life is busy with children and work so I am managing to distract myself.

I pay for massages and haircuts every few months. This allows me to have some physical touch. Ive also got into sport and extreme sport to give me that adrenaline buzz.

I think people above are right that no relationship can give you 100% what you want. There will always be a compromise.

I wish I had kids as I feel such a huge gap anyway. And it would give me that focus and love. Not that I can compare no children, to not having sex! But it definitely makes me feel less womanly. Being infertile makes me feel less of a woman. Being celibate not by choice and also infertile..you can imagine. It's a crazy way to feel but I feel I must be as attractive as a squashed slug right now. I could never make babies and now my DP says he doesn't fancy me and has lost every sexual urge. (as I said, he won't even notice an attractive woman...he really is to all intents, asexual...)
He should be glad someone took a chance on him, younger too. I wonder why he did enter another relationship when the last ended due to this same issue, and then he had 5 yrs of chosen celibacy. Maybe because we were old friends and had a degree of familiarity even though had not seen each other for about 14 yrs. (and no in the beginning of this relationship, I didn't know of his issues with his ex.. though he said from the start his drive was v v low and he had some performance issues.. he did put in a lot of effort back then though..even if not exactly the right kind.. the online pills, etc)

I feel like I tempted fate! Way back, in my early 20s, he was my best male friend and I slept with him once. This was before all his health issues and he was a very sexual person. I stayed over once, he seduced me and it was amazing. He had fancied me for a long time (it had not been mutual). However, next time we met I said it must never happen again! I didn't want to lose our friendship and we had overstepped the mark and I couldn't risk our solid friendship. Ironically that 'one off' with him was one of the best sexual experiences I'd ever had. Roll on many years, we get together in my 40s and he in his 50s and.... you know the story. And he tells me he started losing his libido when he turned 40.

This is crazy! His low drive predates your relationship, I’m guessing not having sex is a benefit (to him) of his health issues. Essentially he wanted a platonic relationship but needed to bait you with infrequent sex to hook you.

I’m sure there are lots of coping mechanisms but the question is why would you? He’s a flat mate!

If you are remaining in a celibate relationship (and it's not your choice)...

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you have a choice.
The fact he. Is asexual is the way it is.
Your choice is wether you accept it or not.

And from what you say you have two issues

• the lack of touch/physical intimacy. Coud you DH help there? Intimacy doesn’t always mean sex. It could be cuddles, a massage or even pleasuring you (even if he isn’t bothered)
• how this. Makes you feel on the top of the infertility. That’s not an issue linked with your DH and I would suggest counselling (regardless of whether you decide to stay or not. Infertility is shit)

I was in a relationship which was celebate. It was not a problem on my part. I was willing and able. He had had a strict religious upbringing and I think that was a problem. He was impotent. To my mind he never considered how I felt. Never offered any alternatives. I read this as if he was not getting any he didnt care that I didnt get anything at all. Then all the jealousy started and I was accused of jumping on all and sundry. I left. I just could not take being forced to be celebate completely without any hope of PIV or even alternative sexual methods. It was just too hurtful and upsetting.
If you manage to stay in this relationship you are a miracle. It is more than I could do. Remember you are living a life that is not of your choice and it could be destructive on your mental health.

Hey, it's hard to accept as he's not lifelong asexual. As I said, I remember him as a very sexual being once upon a time. It points to medical problems not being dealt with. The fact he has so little regard for his health , let alone us. I come home and he's baking all this spelt bread late at night.. can put the effort into that but not tell the doctor's he's got bloody Peyronies.. just puts up with his dick getting more and more uncomfortable!!!!!
He cuddles.. we had a big one in bed this morning. Massage, no, he's rubbish, I asked years ago and he's hopeless..he actually hurt! I'd rather pay someone, in fact I have a gift voucher somewhere I really must use.
I agree my infertility pain is not linked to him. Yes sex to extent makes me feel loved and validated (but other times in my life have made me feel used.. not by him but others..and it's just as bad if not worse..) He is probably infertile, I definitely am, but he's never wanted kids. And I had issues with this long before.. eg missing out timewise on IVF (on NHS) with my ex fiance, etc. I accept I do need counselling for this issue alone. I do go on sites like Gateway Woman.

OP - you say you are not in a position to leave for financial reasons. Are you at least working toward that being an option? It really concerns me that you are not married so are entitled to nothing if these health problems take a serious hold on your DP