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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should i do?

41 replies

PatKelly · 04/10/2019 22:32

Hi. I’m 42 and left my exH 6 years ago. Been with new partner for 3 years. Have 2 DC, 15 and 11.
I work full time, have my own house and car and work hard plus overtime.
My Mum died last year and since then, my partner has lived here. He’s in and out of work and currently not contributing to any bills etc.
He’s very loving and affectionate and we get on well when we’re togther and I’ve never had that with anybody before... but I can’t shake the fact that I didn’t want to live with anybody again and the fact that I’m working super hard and he is just in between jobs.
I know it’s obvious that I need to kick him out, when I see this written down.... but I am putting it off and not sure what I should do.
I guess I’m just after somebody to tell me what I should do... or what they would do in this circumstance.
I read messages on here about Violent partners and awful affairs and think my issues aren’t as bad as that.... but I feel a bit stuck and need a hand!

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 05/10/2019 22:46

I wonder if you just feel used. By not contributing (other than his 'niceness'), it might be difficult for . you to feel that he is equal to you, that he is committed, that he is not taking advantage.

If you could change one thing about him, what would it be?

SummerWhisper · 05/10/2019 22:46

Also, sorry for your loss Flowers

quincejamplease · 05/10/2019 22:51

You don't have to be experiencing the worst suffering of anyone alive for your problems to be valid and worth addressing and worth asking for people's help. They still matter, because you matter.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 05/10/2019 22:52

He moved in when you vulnerable, and now you're expected to provide free board and lodging for life.

He will be affectionate towards you, won't he?

You have yourself a cocklodger OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2019 22:53

I'm wondering how much is his affection based on the fact that he's a cocklodger and is sly enough to stay in your good graces. Don't waste your life on a man who has no drive to equally support his partner. This house of cards will fall eventually.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 05/10/2019 22:55

@Aquamarine1029 great minds......Grin

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2019 22:57

@MarianaMoatedGrange

Great minds and the benefit of wisdom, I'm sure.

category12 · 05/10/2019 22:58

Does he do any of the housework and make life easier in that way, or is he like a big expensive pet?

Bananalanacake · 05/10/2019 23:01

he doesn't have any right to the house I assume. he's not on the deeds so can't you ask him to move out. or tell him.

frankiefirstyear · 05/10/2019 23:07

I left my feckless exH of 10 years, 6 years ago and still paying off debts due to his leaving jobs, drinking, gaming and general lack of ability to be thrifty when necessary. A good guy who wouldn't hurt me but by the end it felt like I was carrying his heavy burden carcass through life while I worked 7 days 16 hours and had the treat of beans on toast most days to survive before crawling hands and knees up to bed. My best friend said something along the lines of 'the starving kids in Africa are hungrier than you, but does that mean you are not hungry? Does that mean you shouldn't have food.' Yes, there are worse or different situations but ultimately your situation is still quite shitty and you need to protect yourself and your children. Cut this dead weight loose.

Bananalanacake · 05/10/2019 23:10

have you lost your single person council tax discount. he should be giving you money to cover that.

Bananalanacake · 06/10/2019 08:35

you need to say to him. you are costing me 200 a month in council tax and bills if you haven't got the.money you get out. see how he reacts.

BlingLoving · 06/10/2019 08:51

Him living with you when it's not what you want is a problem. Doesn't matter why.

If ou feel used (and I assume therefore that he's not using all his free time to cook, clean, wash etc?), the. This is not a good relationship.

So either he needs to contribute (financially, physically or whatever) or he needs to go.

Original poster
PatKelly · 26/10/2019 12:20

Finally plucked up the courage to discuss things. I want to be single again. I’ve debated things over and over for months now. We do get on brilliantly but there’s so much more that is a negative...
He told me I’m depressed. I don’t think I am. I said I felt taken advantage of, resentful and overwhelmed at my job, overtime, parent to care for and kids and make time for him....... he said he’s tried his best to make me happy for the whole time we’ve been togther and he promised my mam before she died that he’d take care of me. He’s gone. But said “I’ll see you tonight!”
I feel better for starting this conversation but suspect tonight it will continue on :(
I feel braver than I thought

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 26/10/2019 13:01

Does he have a key? Are his belongings at your house?

Original poster
PatKelly · 26/10/2019 13:08

He does have a key. He has some clothes here and a toothbrush but only one backpack full

OP posts:
quincejamplease · 26/10/2019 13:13

Go to your nearest hardware or wilko, buy a new lock and a screwdriver if you don't have one, change the lock, leave his crap on the doorstep.

Nothing more to discuss. He's trying to manipulate you.

PicsInRed · 26/10/2019 13:14

So he doesn't live there - he has somewhere else? That makes it easy. Change the locks and drop his things over at his "usual" place of residence. If he shows up at the door and refuses to leave, you call the police. He never lived there, it's your house and you're on the council tax (which he should be on at his usual residence). Keep the council tax and bills handy in case he attempts to spin a tale.

👋 Bye cocklodger.

quincejamplease · 26/10/2019 13:17

Bringing your mum into his efforts to manipulate you is despicable.

Original poster
PatKelly · 26/10/2019 13:22

He lived with his parents when we met and still has a room there

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 26/10/2019 13:30

Your post give me the chills as I have recently had a similar experience. In my case, the BF hasn't quite moved in...but not for want of trying. He wasn't in secure employment and always going on about his debts trying to guilt me into paying for more and more. I was going through lots of family issues, and dealing with some serious health problems. I challenged him over his lack of financial contribution and cocklodging type behaviour...he blamed my medication for making me paranoid.

I dumped him and feel so much better. Anyone who exploits you at times of distress is not to be trusted, and is frankly an abuser. People can be financially abused, as well as physically abused. He says you are depressed to deflect blame from himself, and to try to make you emotionally dependent on him. Please get rid of him, stay single for a while and be vigilant to scroungers in the future...there are plenty out there, sadly.

Startingoveragain1 · 26/10/2019 13:34

Whats keeping him from finding a job? If he just cant be bothered theres no use... maybe an ultimatum and a set date might help you see if he is actually gonna stop just sponging off? Its not fair , he is not your child...

Beautiful3 · 26/10/2019 13:37

I cant see what he brings to your relationship? I would tell him to stay at his parents from now on.

Original poster
PatKelly · 26/10/2019 13:39

He’s always been in and out of works for the whole three years. Probably more than 50% out of work.... he’s gone out today and has a key. I’m going to go and get a new lock now, just to be sure he can’t get back in. (Even if he hands his key back to me, wouldn’t have been too difficult to get a key cut today!)

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 26/10/2019 13:49

Just get a new lock. He's the definition of a cock lodger, and gaslighting you into thr bargain, you're depressed my arse.

He just wants some place to live for free. He's never going to change. Keep him gone.

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