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Original poster

Don't know whether to just let it be or tell him how I feel?

31 replies

Lemononachair · 04/10/2019 20:43

Been seeing someone about 6 months.

He has his own place, I'm in a house share so the vast majority of the time I go to his place so we can hang out and spend time together without anyone else around.

Trouble is, I feel like I'm doing all the running around and making all the effort. Due to work commitments, up until recently I mostly could only go to see him late in the evenings after work because my days off were the same times he had his dc. I was seeing him 3/4 times a week and staying overnight so basically every free evening he had I was there. We couldn't actually go anywhere together as it was always too late by the time I'd finished work.

I have recently changed jobs, (partially in order to spend more time with him) and consequently I've not been able to go to him as much. In that time (about 2 weeks) when I haven't been able to go to him, he has come to see me once, and didn't stay over. I know things will settle down soon but my schedule is quite different now and I'm readjusting.

I'm worried that he only wants to see me when it's convenient for him and he doesn't have to do anything to facilitate it. I don't want to be anyone's fuck buddy but it feels a bit like that's what I am. He said he isnt ready for a relationship yet as his last one blew up spectacularly and caused him a lot of problems which I completely sympathise with and he's currently having to deal with the police because of it. So I can understand his reluctance.

Trouble is, it's been long enough that we've been seeing each other I think I'm in love with him. I want to support him through this police stuff. I want to go out places and spend days off with him, go on holidays, just generally build a life together. In short, I want more.

I'm just scared that if I tell him this I will scare him off but I can't stay as just casual sex and hanging out indefinitely when I have real feelings for him. I can't just let things be unless I have a realistic chance of it being something real in the future or it just feels like a waste of time.

What do I do? Do I tell him how I feel? Or should I just calm down and see how things develop now things have changed?

OP posts:
HarrietOh · 04/10/2019 21:04

If he’s telling you he doesn’t want a relationship, listen. You won’t change his mind.

WifOfBif · 04/10/2019 21:10

I agree with the above posted sadly. He has told you he doesn’t want a relationship.

You will get hurt if this continues, by all means tell him how you feel but be prepared to walk away. He may realise he doesn’t want to lose you, who knows, but don’t settle if you want more.

NotStayingIn · 04/10/2019 21:13

Police stuff? That’s not the norm. Do you know what that is all about?

NotStayingIn · 04/10/2019 21:15

But that aside, after 6 months you should feel comfortable having an honest conversation about it. Sadly if you feel you can’t or if you know he will just say he doesn’t want a relationship then this might not be going anywhere. Sorry.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/10/2019 21:18

I think as he's been so upfront about how he sees you, you have to either accept that or move on.

Dontsayyouloveme · 04/10/2019 21:19

Been there done that for over a year! he says he doesn’t want a relationship, take him at his word. Stop running around after him and call it a day. I’m really hurting as my situation ended two weeks ago and I had fallen in love with him also. But he still didn’t want a relationship. believe me, it gets worse the longer you stay. ☹️

Original poster
Lemononachair · 04/10/2019 21:29

@NotStayingIn I can't say too much as it's not my business to do so and the case is ongoing but essentially his ex stalked and harassed him, he's had to get a restraining order and a bunch of other stuff. It got really serious and I know it's all true (as in, not an excuse), I've seen the police alarm, the paperwork etc.

I've asked him if I am just a fuck buddy or if it's just sex. He says no. We are exclusive and neither of us seeing anyone else but we just aren't 'officially' together.

@Dontsayyouloveme this is exactly what I'm afraid of. I don't want to get more and more attached as time goes on and eventually end up with nothing when he still doesn't want any more than this. I can't wait forever. Not in an arrogant way but I have other people interested and I've turned them down because I just want him. But is there any point in being exclusive for him and potentially missing out on someone who DOES want to be with me properly? Idk I'm just so not used to any of this, modern dating really doesn't agree with me!

OP posts:
firelightbright · 04/10/2019 21:34

It is easier to go to the person that lives alone rather than someone who has housemates. Have the conversation with him.

NotStayingIn · 04/10/2019 21:43

Oh wow that’s horrid. So probably no surprise he wants to take it slow.

However, taking it slow does not mean one person making all the effort and the other always getting things their way!

If he doesn’t want to be officially together then I would say that’s fine, but then I’m also not going to fully commit. Keep your options open. And I would insist on a more equal split between houses/time/effort.

Even if you were fuck buddies you would both get an equal say in where and when that happens. So the ‘not being officially together’ is neither here nor there in that aspect.

Earthandsky · 04/10/2019 21:44

Why are you putting yourself out so much for someone who has told you they don’t want a relationship? I don’t get this unofficial/exclusive stuff. He either wants to be with you properly or he doesn’t and sorry but he obviously doesn’t.

Dontsayyouloveme · 04/10/2019 22:30

OP, the guy I was ‘seeing’ would say, it was more than sex and we were more than FWB/FB’s. We were exclusive also but still didn’t mean he wanted a relationship. Whilst I got something out of our arrangement, for him it was perfect, everything he wanted, just without the emotions. I ended it so I can find someone who does want a relationship and to become emotionally involved and have a future with . Personally if I had had others interested me during our ‘arrangement’ I would have called it off a lot earlier.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 04/10/2019 22:49

Dontsayyouloveme I was in a relationship like this for just over two years. He said the same - we were more than FWB, but he didn't want commitment - whatever that meant, he knew I didn't want to live with a man again, ever. He wanted the 'girlfriend experience' but without doing relationship stuff like meeting his DC, his friends or even taking me to his local. He wouldn't follow me on SM, or put any pics of us on Instagram, that sort of thing.

Two years I stayed in this half arsed scenario because luuuurve on my side. I ended it, and while missing him madly - felt a kind of relief too.

Dontsayyouloveme · 04/10/2019 23:18

MarianaMoatedGrange exactly that, they don’t want to ingratiate you into their lives or to be ingratiated into yours. I was the same as you I didn’t want to live together etc, but still he would not do the slightest of commitments. I’m hoping the relief will come soon and it will. It’s the knowing that your not waiting for the slightest possibility they may change their mind, or actually mean something more than what they say. it’s kinda easy to read more into a look they give you or something they say to you when you have feelings for them. At least when it’s over you know exactly where you stand and you can start to move on and look for the real deal!

MarianaMoatedGrange · 04/10/2019 23:30

Dontsayyouloveme yes - they compartmentalise don't they? I blocked and deleted him everywhere to give a firm message and also so I wouldn't wait in vain for a declaration of love and missing me which would never be forthcoming.

Troilusworks · 04/10/2019 23:53

I understand the falling in love and how intoxicating it is. But in the long run, it's so important to be with someone who really wants to be with you. Anything else is soul destroying. And ultimately heartbreaking.

StartTheC0untD0wn3725 · 05/10/2019 04:28

He's told you he doesn't want a relationship

You want more, you have invested too much, too early

It's only been 6 months

I would suggest move on & find someone who is completely free & available

something2say · 05/10/2019 07:46

Such a shame isn't it.

But....if it is the truth then it is the truth and better to accept it.

What do you reckon you'll do?

joystir59 · 05/10/2019 07:50

For him it is just sex

joystir59 · 05/10/2019 07:51

Because in six months it sounds as if that is all you have done together.

BuildBuildings · 05/10/2019 09:01

I could have been in my relationship way too long to get this but the whole exclusive but not official is making me really uncomfortable. Firstly it serms like he is deciding this and calling the shots. But also keeping his options open.

This could make me sound old fashioned (I'm 34) but I always feel when you meet somone and it's right ( and probs falling on love) you will do whatever to be with them and want to be with them. Not put in place paramiters based on how long you've been together /known each other and when your last relationship ended whether you are official etc.

I think he's hedging his bets and you deserve better.

category12 · 05/10/2019 09:09

You don't want to be a fuck buddy, but it's what you are. He can say it's not that, but his actions don't match his words.

catwithnohat · 05/10/2019 09:14

So he doesn't want a relationship but says you're exclusive - sounds like a contradiction in terms.

I don't want to be anyone's fuck buddy but it feels a bit like that's what I am Sounds like its exactly what you are unfortunately.

I'm of the opinion that you're on a sticky wicket and you need to consider how to extract yourself with as little pain as possible.

I can't even begin to be optimistic about your current setup.

ShimmeryShiny · 05/10/2019 09:15

Yes you need to be true to yourself and tell him and be prepared for the answer not being what you want and then decide what you are going to do.

Original poster
Lemononachair · 05/10/2019 09:24

I know I should really. I've been thinking it for a while, even before this new job was on the horizon.

I should stop being a coward, woman up and tell him that I'm only happy to continue our set up if we become an official couple and he starts making some of the effort to facilitate us seeing each other and spending time together, prepare myself for the fact that he may not want that and be prepared to stick to my guns and end it if he doesn't.

I just hate second guessing and overanalysing myself, his feelings, and our interactions all the time. When we are together it's great and I feel cared for, we have fun and intimacy, it's everything I want! Then he leaves and I don't hear from him and I feel forgotten about again. I just want to know where I stand and him being so wishy washy messes with my head.

OP posts:
Coffeeandchocolate9 · 05/10/2019 09:32

I don't want to be anyone's fuck buddy but it feels a bit like that's what I am. He said he isnt ready for a relationship yet

These are the only two facts you need to focus on.

I'm sorry, it sucks, and I'm the worst person to be giving you advice because I'm in an uncomfortably similar situation and unwilling to change it just yet because . But by the end of the year I will have to have either sorted it out with him or leave him.

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