Don't know whether to just let it be or tell him how I feel?

[Lemononachair]

Been seeing someone about 6 months.

He has his own place, I'm in a house share so the vast majority of the time I go to his place so we can hang out and spend time together without anyone else around.

Trouble is, I feel like I'm doing all the running around and making all the effort. Due to work commitments, up until recently I mostly could only go to see him late in the evenings after work because my days off were the same times he had his dc. I was seeing him 3/4 times a week and staying overnight so basically every free evening he had I was there. We couldn't actually go anywhere together as it was always too late by the time I'd finished work.

I have recently changed jobs, (partially in order to spend more time with him) and consequently I've not been able to go to him as much. In that time (about 2 weeks) when I haven't been able to go to him, he has come to see me once, and didn't stay over. I know things will settle down soon but my schedule is quite different now and I'm readjusting.

I'm worried that he only wants to see me when it's convenient for him and he doesn't have to do anything to facilitate it. I don't want to be anyone's fuck buddy but it feels a bit like that's what I am. He said he isnt ready for a relationship yet as his last one blew up spectacularly and caused him a lot of problems which I completely sympathise with and he's currently having to deal with the police because of it. So I can understand his reluctance.

Trouble is, it's been long enough that we've been seeing each other I think I'm in love with him. I want to support him through this police stuff. I want to go out places and spend days off with him, go on holidays, just generally build a life together. In short, I want more.

I'm just scared that if I tell him this I will scare him off but I can't stay as just casual sex and hanging out indefinitely when I have real feelings for him. I can't just let things be unless I have a realistic chance of it being something real in the future or it just feels like a waste of time.

What do I do? Do I tell him how I feel? Or should I just calm down and see how things develop now things have changed?

I'm really sorry OP - I can read that it's painful - but you already know where you stand. He's told you.

When men say they don't want a relationship, that is what they mean. If you continue to see them they understand it as them having carte blanche to enjoy all the nice bits of being with you - the sex the fun, the support - without having to commit themselves. Then if you complain, they shrug and say (perfectly truthfully) that they were honest with you from the start.

The most painful thing about situations like this is that when they finally do find someone they actually want to be with, you will be unceremoniously dropped and be forced to watch them give to her all the things they refused to give to you.

I wouldn't bother asking him where you stand. You know. He's told you. Of course he says you're not just FWB - he knows that might upset what he has going. He likes this set up and wants to keep it until something better comes along. So he says what he has to to maintain it. I would just tell him you're ending things as the current set up isn't working for you.

He doesn't love you OP. And this isn't what you want. It's time to cut your losses and rip off the plaster. Accept one of the other dates you've been offered and try and pick yourself up.

Also in future, I would not agree to exclusivity with a man you are not in a relationship with. Who does he think he is asking for that if he's not prepared to even introduce you to his friends?! Rude bastard.

I have a casual relationship. I'm in to him when I see him because we have a good time together. We are intimate and have a great time. But outside of those times I'm not so bothered if I hear from him or not as we aren't in a serious relationship. Don't read too much into how he is when you are together if this isn't matched in the times are are apart. And when he's told you he doesn't want a relationship.

No point in giving him an ultimatum. He's been clear with you. But what you want isn't compatible. End it before you get any more hurt.

I had this situation a few years ago (always me organising when to see each other, but both having an equally good time once we are together) and a friend gave me some good advice. She suggested not to confront it in a big deal, serious talk kind of way so I had the anxiety of a "we need to talk" situation.

Instead she suggested I quietly take a back seat a little bit and see what happened - not in a manipulative way, just taking the pressure off. And hey presto he still didn't make any effort / organise when we could see each other / ask if anything was ok.

He was lovely and great when we did hang out but not proactive in the relationship. He barely even noticed that I wasn't making as much effort as before. In short I guess he just wasn't that into me!

It's very hard to come back from "the big talk" as it puts so much pressure on you both. Just take your foot off the peddle for a bit and see how it pans out.

Don't be manipulative or passagg (some people are all "tell him you're going out on the town and if you meet someone you meet someone" etc) because that's immature, just see what happens when you don't have to micromanage the relationship and make all the effort.

It sounds like for whatever reason he's unable to give you as much time and attention as you (quite fairly) want and need at the moment. He isn't in the wrong for that and neither are you. Just incompatible attachment styles by the sounds of it.

Good luck OP

OP you’re going to get terribly hurt if you carry on with this. You’re a distraction to him, that’s all. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want a relationship. That is his right of course but that is not what you want. Difficult as it may be you need to walk away now. It will hurt but you deserve better than this.

Little update!

He did come out to see me when I wasn't able to go and see him, and tbh I really do prefer going to him! I just feel more comfortable when we can spend time together without other people in the house so that's kind of a non issue now, even if it does mean a bit more running around for me.

I do have a tendency to overthink things and am a bit anxious when it comes to anything to do with relationships due to being mistreated in the past. I genuinely believe that he does care about me and is not in it just for sex. He's just not that kind of a guy. After a lot of thinking I do believe that he does see a future with me as he keeps making comments about things he wants us to do, he's agreed to go on holiday with me next year etc etc.

I believe he is really just needing to take things slow, which is totally understandable and probably a good thing for me too it's just not my usual way of doing things so it feels a little alien to me. If I'm honest there is a teeny undercurrent of jealousy when I see friends being official with their boyfriends after 5 minutes and 'going public' with displays of affection on social media and we don't have that even though we've been 'together' half a year now. But I don't think we'll ever be like that really, we're just not like that in general so I need to stop comparing.

I've realised I really do love him. I want to tell him but not in a way that will scare him off. I don't want to do a big imposing 'we need to talk' kind of thing but I do want to let him know how I feel about him and let him know that we can take things slow but I just want to be official. Not on Facebook, not to make a big song & dance, or anything just for my own piece of mind. But how do I do that in a casual way?!