Was there a final straw to make you leave?

[Loola6]

Hi, so I’ve written a few threads over last few months regarding my situation. I’m married with a two year old but I’ve been unhappy for a long time. My husband while good with my daughter is very selfish, self absorbed and possibly on the spectrum although undiagnosed. He was aggressive physically to me 2 years ago but not since but generally he annoys me constantly because he’s controlling with money, we live like two separate people who are married, he drives top of the range sports cars while I drive an old banger! Anyway we’ve been coasting for months, nothing terrible is happening but nothing great. We have a functional relationship. I’m just curious if others have left due to a final straw or whether they just got tired of being unhappy? I keep thinking of ending it but something is stopping me. Thanks!

It was building up and I planned to get out between Christmas and new year.

The last straw for me was when he made me physically cower in fear in the kitchen over a little smudge I’d left on a fork after I’d missed it washing up.

I’ve never written that down before that sounds absolutely insane!!

No final straw. Built up over time until I couldn't stand being so miserable all the time, atmosphere was just awful at home and DCs were being modelled a very platonic relationship which I was worried they would see as normal.

It will be easier on your DD as she is so young and won't remember you together. Mine are older and it was heartbreaking to have to tell them. They have really struggled at times although seem to have adapted quickly.

Do you honestly see yourself getting happier staying together? If not then there is your answer. You'll just end up more and more miserable.

How do you have such different cars?

The physical incident 2 years ago should have been enough.
You are unhappy.
You don't have live a half life.
You can get away and enjoy life.
But I realise it takes many attempts to leave an absuer.
Keep a diary of his behaviour and what you find acceptable and unacceptable.
Have a look at it in a couple of weeks and see how you feel.
Do you have access to money?
Do you work?
Do you have any family nearby?

And for me - no.
Cheating is a deal-breaker - that was the end.

Thanks all. Your advice and support is so appreciated as I feel very alone. I think my friends are sick of me being so indecisive and my family don’t see how he is as he’s so nice to them! The car situation is that way because his money is his and he puts everything through his business and apparently it doesn’t cost him anything?! He thinks I’m born yesterday! But he knows the ins and outs of all my finances and I can’t afford a car as I have debts to pay off! He’s made it clear that as they were pre me letting him he wouldn’t help. So our money is separate. I work part time but pay half all household expenses so doesn’t leave me with much for a nice car....

Telling me he knew i was cheating on him, that he'd accepted it and it was just the way I was, dishonest and faithless.

I begged him not to think that of me, promised him I'd change, stop going out (again), stop seeing friends, I'd do anything to change his mind and show I'd never do that to him.

He did the stoic martyr thing "no, no, there's no point it's just the way you are, i've accepted it"

Woke up the next morning and realized that was it. I was done. I could no longer spend every day with someone who thought I was a bad person.

I ended it three days later. He didn't see it coming and to this day he blames me for not trying hard enough.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What is stopping you from ending this abusive relationship?. Do express your fears more. Is it fear of him, fear of the unknown, being alone with your child?. All these reasons and more besides keep people far too long with their abuser.

This is in no way a functioning relationship because its completely one sided with the power and control in this relationship being all his. Why do you assume ASD of him too particularly if he has not been diagnosed?. You are most likely wrong re this point and highlights your own poor understanding of what ASD actually is.

I note that he is "nice" to other people as well but he is certainly sending your DD mixed messages and those are lessons she cannot afford to learn about relationships. Abusive people can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

You are in an abusive relationship and you are also being controlled financially. This is no life for you or that matter for your DD who is also seeing this at first hand. Would you want her to have a relationship like this, no you would not. This is a relationship that you should not be in either.

Are you in the UK?.

You are unhappy because you are being abused by your husband. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Do not ever do joint counselling with him, it is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You really need to plan your exit from this relationship with care and due diligence because the longer you stay, the worse it is going to become for you and in turn your DD. She certainly cannot afford to learn this model of a relationship and for her to think this is how men treat women.

The constant lies and gambling. One day I just thought ENOUGH. I soda surfed for a while and he stalked my place of work but I couldn't do it anymore

I work part time but pay half all household expenses so doesn’t leave me with much for a nice car....

How convenient for him. You should only be contributing an amount in proportion to yours vs his earnings.

He sounds like a horrible selfish man.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I don’t get a lot out of the relationship apart from being a stable home for my daughter and not being on my own. I grew up as a child in a one parent family, not having ever met my dad. My mum worked all the hours she could to provide as best she could. I’ve not grown up with a good role model of relationships!

@hellsbellsmelons
Yes the physical incident should have been enough but I had a 3 month old baby to look after who had a milk allergy and I was on maternity leave with no money coming in so I just went into almost a superhuman ‘get through it’ response and almost numbed to it so that I could be the best mum I could be for my baby. But I feel like in the last 6 months the numbness has gone and I can see clearly and I feel disgusted by the incident. I do however have a fear of hurting my daughter by breaking the family apart and I have a slight concern about being alone and growing old on my own. Plus my husband obviously hang been physically aggressive again so part of me wonders if I should move on and give him a chance. However the other behaviours that her has are obsessions, rigidity, tightness with money, rudeness, talks at me with no ability to tell if I’m not interested/tired/need peace and like I said above drives round in top of range cars projecting an image of us being wealthy and yet I drive a banger and pay half of everything to the point I have barely anything to live on!

@CatPunsFreakMeowt yes I know but I have no idea what he earns and his company is limited so he pays himself a small wage and puts his expensive cars through the business so probably on paper looks like he earns nothing...

.

Why don’t you go see a solicitor. You know that they are wise to this stuff right? The maintenance service base maintenance on the business tax returns. It comes from inland revenue. He can’t get away with that. If he’s not paying tax then he get imprisoned for that! Do you have any way to find out the company’s tax return? You might be able to find it on companies house website? Google that and the name of the company and see what you can find. If you left him would you downsize? Is the house in both your names?

beta.companieshouse.gov.uk/

Maybe if you see how much profit the company is making compared to your lifestyle it might help you make your mind up. If he’s making thousands while you’re struggling then you really do have to leave him because it means he’s a total disgusting pig of a man

You may be better off single even without maintenance!!!

I couldn't bear to be controlled

You learnt many rubbish lessons about relationships when you were growing up.

This is not anything like a stable home for your daughter because you as her mother are being controlled by her dad, your husband.

There is nothing worse than feeling alone within a bad marriage as you are. You would be better off on your own with your daughter.

You will hurt your daughter if you choose to stay within this abusive marriage out of and because of your unfounded fears. This is not, repeat not, the relationship model you want to be showing her.

Your husband has broken this family unit because of his abuse towards you and in turn his child. There is nothing to rescue and or save her in this relationship and it’s over because of the abuse.

It was many things... But the thing that made me say 'Im done" was when I finished my first marathon and we wouldn't hug me or kiss me because I was smelly :/

Thanks for all the advice and comments. It seems a mixture of some people having ‘last straw’ situations and others where they just got tired of being unhappy. There is so much upheaval with a child that I need to be 110% certain that I’m doing the right thing and the benefits of leaving outweigh staying. Plus I’ve got to be prepared to hand my daughter over 50% of the week and she’s never had a night apart from me so I’ll really struggle with that. Anyone else dealt with that?

You would be absolutely doing the right thing here if you were to leave; you only need to give your own self permission to leave. You and he are not equals in this relationship and he has the vast majority of the power and control within it. He's already been physically aggressive towards you and present day he's financially controlling you to boot. Its no life for your DD to be seeing this at first hand.

Do you really think that such a man would be bothered to see and or care for his child half the week, he would in all likelihood not see her all that time and leave her with his parents instead. He may well kick off and demand full custody or such like and that would be done by him to punish you further for having the utter gall in his eyes of leaving him.

Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy; please open up to other people like Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisation about your H. Why not visit some local Solicitor firms too?. Knowledge after all is power.