Was there a final straw to make you leave?

[Loola6]

Hi, so I’ve written a few threads over last few months regarding my situation. I’m married with a two year old but I’ve been unhappy for a long time. My husband while good with my daughter is very selfish, self absorbed and possibly on the spectrum although undiagnosed. He was aggressive physically to me 2 years ago but not since but generally he annoys me constantly because he’s controlling with money, we live like two separate people who are married, he drives top of the range sports cars while I drive an old banger! Anyway we’ve been coasting for months, nothing terrible is happening but nothing great. We have a functional relationship. I’m just curious if others have left due to a final straw or whether they just got tired of being unhappy? I keep thinking of ending it but something is stopping me. Thanks!

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks. You sound really knowledgeable - have you been through something similar? I have seen a solicitor and sounds as if I would have more rights that I thought but costs were high to fight for custody etc and it’s just the thought of actually having to move out and fight for finances etc that I don’t have the energy for!

H

Of course you need to leave. See sense. He’s vile.

I would have a clear plan in place first before you leave. Stay with relatives, or friends.

My last straw was when my ex shouted at me to leave him alone.

No particular final straw, had built up over a few years and I realised how unhappy I had become and how much I resented him. My dc were 4 and 5 and I didn't want them growing up hearing arguments and seeing me being disrespected. It blind sighted him as he thought we were in a good place but I was waiting for it to go downhill again. Never been happier since I left, and it didn't really surprise those close to me

..well... the last straw was when a friend told me she saw him stealing. I thought ..that's it. The shame..humiliation... saw new solicitor and left within a couple of months. That and him insulting us all when he was drunk. You just get to a point when living free of all that... has to be the better and only option.

You will survive
You will feel so much better.

See a solicitor and get the wheels moving.

I did and its been life changing.

I was in a similar situation to you OP and totally sympathise. Sometimes you sit and think... is it really that bad.

Final straw for me was sitting at work one day, listening to everyone talking about how excited they were for bank holiday weekend and I was dreading having to spend 3 days with my ex partner. I thought, is this really what my life is going to be like forever now, not even being able to enjoy my weekend.

That week I packed up and left, 9 month old in tow. Best decision I ever made- financially challenging but I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking that that’s what a healthy relationship looks like.

Xx

I was so unhappy after 8 years of misery. I planned to leave. Every time I went to my parents I took a few bits & bobs. Gradually moving stuff for me & the children. I had all the important documents, all my jewellery and any real sentimental items.

In the end though I left after a ‘final straw’ moment a month earlier than planned.

I’m so happy I did! 6 months later I’m still with my DC at my parents house while I divorce him but I have no regrets.

My children are much happier too.....

Hi Loola

re your comment:-
"I have seen a solicitor and sounds as if I would have more rights that I thought but costs were high to fight for custody etc and it’s just the thought of actually having to move out and fight for finances etc that I don’t have the energy for!"

Do not run away with yourself here, besides which why would you have to move out?. Also these are not reasons to stay with him and be further controlled. Your H will find out that no man, not even he, is above the law here. I would not also put it past your H either to hide money away from you so I would also employ the services of a forensic accountant. He is not going to make it at all easy for you to leave him and will make it as difficult as possible for you going forward as well. Again these are not reasons to stay with him.

I have seen friends go through similar controlling behaviours.

I had been unhappy for a long time and my DH made my life a misery. There was abuse of all sorts and (with the support of MN) I made an exit plan.

It was 18 months of getting my ducks in a row and getting to the end of paying a fortune for childcare.

Made it to the end of the 18months and in the end there was a final straw that gave me the final push I needed to get rid. I found him going through my phone, looking through photos and messages, convinced I was cheating on him. I threw him out there and then and never looked back.

OP, I'm with someone else now and it is wonderful. He is gentle and kind and the most amazing father to my two boys. The children are so much happier and I am free and safe. You don't need to be miserable. You have one life to live and your daughter is young enough not to remember growing up in a toxic household.

Be strong and leave.

Thanks everyone for the support. For those of you that spent a long time planning to leave how did you pull off the facade of being ok as I’m literally at the point where I can’t even bear to be in sane room let alone have sex! Thanks!

@AttilaTheMeerkat the reason I would have to move out is that I know he wouldn’t and I wouldn’t want to stay in the house once I’d ended it with him there as he would create such an atmosphere. Also I never liked the house anyway and wouldn’t want to keep it. However only issue would be affording to pay half the mortgage and rent at the same time until house was sold or would he have to pay mortgage if I moved out?

Could he afford the mortgage on his own? He would need to pay maintenance to you?

You could stop contributing to it as you would have your DC to house and say your 50% of the mortgage payments could be deducted from your equity share on completion of sale.

Loola6 you know this 'you pay half the housekeeping and you have a banger and you have to pay half the mortgage'?

Those are the rules in his kingdom where he is the King.

The law isn't interested in his rules. And he will discover that the law is much bigger than he is.

The law does not like financial inequality. That is what court orders are for. You are entitled to half the equity in the house, it goes into an escrow account and he has no say!

I would strongly advise getting paperwork about his business if you can. Sweetly threatening an audit tends to get co operation.

I say this to women who wish to leave but stay for the kids-leave while your DC is young. Your child at 2 will not remember the current living arrangementand will adapt to a new one a lot easier.
Leave, leave, leave.

You are likely to entitled to
More than 50% if you are main carer and he has greater earning potential get a SHL and forensic accountant

Thanks for all the advice @RandomMess what’s SHL? Also could I stop paying mortgage if I moved out and he pushed for 50/50 custody?

I know he will end up getting 50/50 custody so I don’t think he will owe me anything? He is very clever and has more money to spend on legal fees and from the outside he looks like the model dad... even though my daughter is stuck to me like glue and would prefer to be with me.
Can I just ask for those who have left what are the steps they’ve taken following telling their husbands it’s over? Have they moved out and then actioned solicitor to claim finances etc? Taken child before agreeing terms of visitation or done that all before moving out? Thing is I just know my husband won’t agree to move out and won’t agree to me taking our daughter with me full time with him having visits...

@ScreamingLadySutch I know bloody banger and paying half... I’m a mug! Plus I pay for everything for my daughter and he’s been having child support paid into his account as says it makes up for the short fall of what he pays extra ... I need to try get it changed to my account...
I’ve no idea how to find out about his earnings, savings etc as sure he defo has savings I don’t know of but also he won’t want to give me half house value as he paid most house deposit ... so assuming he would take that out of what I was owed?

Shit Hot Lawyer

Are you in the Uk?

You need to get your ducks in a row, move child benefit into your name is the first step as without it you are pretty screwed, if it's in your name then changing bank account should be straightforward.

@RandomMess yes I’m in the UK. I’ll try change the bank account as sure it’s in my name just with his bank account. Any tips on what I need to get organised? Trouble is I’m not sure how much longer I can carry on like this, I just want out... we’ve a wedding we are meant to be going to on 7th November and staying over without my daughter and thought of it is making me sick....

There were some links somewhere on relationships board. Try a post headed

"How do I get my ducks in a row" or similar?

Your husband is a narcissist not autistic.
Research covert and overt narcissism.

The final straw for me was when he started on the children. My son wanted an extreme haircut which was not allowed at school, so he had it done first day of the summer holidays. Ex said it was awful and he looked stupid. But he went on for days criticising and ridiculing him.

It was the realisition that he was capable of doing this to the children, and not just me, that finally sent me to the solicitor

Thanks all. Tbh I am not even bothered what he is or isn’t anymore in terms of label his behaviours are not something I want to be around!
Just checking ... so if I tell him it’s over and I want to stay in house with my daughter but want him to go then I have to be in a position to take over the mortgage/house expenses?? The issue with that is of course he’s signed up to all sorts of crazy expensive packages that I couldn’t afford so I’d be better to go elsewhere??
Also if I did want him to go but he wouldn’t and wanted to stay in house assuming there’s nothing I can do?? I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t leave x

She shagged someone else - first and final straw.