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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have I ruined things with my boyfriend?

38 replies

Zango11 · 04/10/2019 12:10

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend officially for one month (today lol) but we’ve been dating for 6 months. We live quite far away from each other so only see each other once or twice a week. Last night I saw him for the first time in over a week as I’m just back from a work trip abroad and it was great to see him, we had some great conversation and updated each other on our lives/ walk with God etc. (As we’re both Christian) But then there was a natural silence as we kind of ran out of things to say so I was just smiling and enjoying his company and listening to the music of the restaurant and then he asked me what was wrong, I was a bit confused as I was having a great time! But he thought I looked disinterested and didn’t want to be there as I was looking at other people, looking at him then away from him and making faces. (I didn’t realise I did any of this!) so I apologised for making it seem that way and explained that I was having a good time, I just didn’t know what to say next. But he didn’t believe me and asked what really the problem was. I don’t think there was one but I said maybe because I’m not good at this (dating) as he is my first proper relationship and first person I’ve dated, he already knew this but seemed shocked that he really was the first and then he said he understood that’s why I was acting weird (altho I don’t feel like I was.) So I asked him if everything was okay on his end, thinking he had a problem with me but he said he was fine and everything was okay. (I also have a job interview today so he thought I was nervous for it and that’s why I was acting strange.)

So we talked some more and agreed everything was actually fine and then we held hands walking to the bus. I sent him a message saying thanks for the night as I had a great time but he hasn’t replied. He always sends me a good morning text which he didn’t do today so I’m assuming he’s still annoyed by the way I was acting last night even though he said things were fine. He’s ignoring me and I’m not sure what I can do? We’ve planned to meet up on Tuesday but I can’t bear not to hear from him until then, especially if he’s still mad. Do I just give him some space and wait until he replies?
Also how do I avoid this happening again? I do really like him but I’m not an overly touchy feely person (like holding hands, gazing into eyes) I’m trying to get better but I’m worried I’ve ruined it already. Any advice?

OP posts:

Ellabella989 · 04/10/2019 12:14

I couldn’t be bothered with sulking behaviour like that, especially when you haven’t done anything wrong.
If it were me then i’d be quite direct and ask why he’s still pissed off with you when you discussed it yesterday and thought you had cleared the air. If he replies saying he’s still annoyed then tell him to get a bloody grip. If he doesn’t reply at all and continues to sulk then you should question whether you want to date someone so immature. If he’s decided you aren’t right for him then he should be man enough to just tell you instead of the silent treatment

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2019 12:14

My advice is to keep your eyes wide open with this one. He sounds like hard work, not to mention passive-aggressive. And the ridiculous business of him almost insisting something was "wrong" just because you were quiet for a minute? Red flags.

CousinKrispy · 04/10/2019 12:18

Yeah, that's the kind of thing that makes it sound like he's either trying to make you question yourself and be worried about the relationship (oh, look, it's working!) which is NOT healthy (or IMO Christian) behavior. Or, alternatively, he wants out of the relationship himself (maybe his eye has been caught by someone else) but is too cowardly to just say so, and instead is going to try to make you break things off.

Do you have friends, family, minister or someone IRL you could talk to about this? I would be very cautious with this man.

Clangus00 · 04/10/2019 12:18

Wow how insecure is he?!
You did nothing wrong AT ALL.
I think you might want to reconsider this as he behaved badly.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/10/2019 12:20

This sounds like far too much hard work. You've been dating for six months but official for one, and you've seen him three or four times... and it's already awkward and sulky?

Perhaps he was excited to see you given it'd been over a week and a bit put out that you came across as disinterested, or perhaps he's a complete control freak and doesn't like that you weren't bowing down and desperately making conversation... it's difficult to say. What we can say is that his beahviour since then has been immature and sulky, and one month in, it shouldn't be anywhere near this hard.

SpoonBlender · 04/10/2019 12:20

He's a sulky prick. You haven't ruined anything, he has. Don't enthusiastically insist on being downtrodden, or pander to his shitty mood.

He's not a good person. He's a prick.

forumdonkey · 04/10/2019 12:22

Why do you think it's something you've done - because he's said it's you?

How about asking, ' why are you being an arse and who do you think you're talking to ?'

Seriously, don't put up with this kind of sulky behaviour, it can become abuse. Already you are questioning what you've done wrong and bending over backwards to put things right and make him feel better.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/10/2019 12:24

Yes - give him space.
A LOT of space.
Do not text or message again.
Just wait for him to come you now.
This sounds like hard work so soon into the relationship.
Be very cautious - red flags - don't ignore them OP!

SouthernComforts · 04/10/2019 12:25

Sack him off the paranoid idiot.

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2019 12:25

Well his behaviour isn't very Christian is it? He's being rather unpleasant, just let him be. If he chooses to be sulky and horrible, then let him.

Chanellta · 04/10/2019 12:25

Agree, sulking is so unattractive, don't fall into the trap of apologising and peacemaker.

SherbetSaucer · 04/10/2019 12:27

Don’t put up with that sulky shit for a second! It’ll only get worse!! It’s early days best to get out now!

category12 · 04/10/2019 12:28

It sounds like he was making up reasons to fall out with you. Abusive people do this - they take offence about something you've supposedly done, make you grovel and go hot and cold on you. Unless you're going to tell us you have some strange habits other people have previously commented on, I would think this is what he is doing. Let him walk.

Preggosaurus9 · 04/10/2019 12:33

If you can't both sit in silence and be comfortable then this relationship just isn't going anywhere. There is a natural ebb and flow to conversation, to relationships. If he can't handle a bit of silence on a date and just enjoy your company, then he is not going to be able to handle things when he, you or life in general goes through a stony season. Sitting in silence for a few minutes on a date is quite romantic in my book. It also tells you a lot about the person and how they feel about you as to how they handle the silence.

Robin2323 · 04/10/2019 12:34

This is not Christianity at all.

In fact he sounds quite paranoid.

You explained and he more or less Called you a lair.

Can you imagine if he was really angry with you ?

No I'd be making excuse ti end this sharpish.

Bullet dodged.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 04/10/2019 12:36

How do these replies make you feel Zango11?

Rachelover60 · 04/10/2019 12:43

Spread your wings a bit, Zango. He isn't the only pebble on the beach. You don't have to date 'wlldly' bu

Rachelover60 · 04/10/2019 12:46

Sorry, pressed 'send' too soon.

but it would build your confidence no end to go out with other chaps, even just as friends, and you might even meet 'the one'.

Don't fret over a man. He doesn't seem terribly sure of himself either. Perhaps you're not meant to be together, on the other had he may change, grow up a bit and be nicer but you cannot wait around for him.

Good luck .

Original poster

Zango11 · 04/10/2019 12:48

I’m good friends with his brother’s girlfriend and was going to ask her for her advice but I don’t want it getting back to him through his brother. But I will be speaking to a mentor of mine next week and will mention this to them.

Thanks for all the responses, I didn’t realise his behaviour seemed so toxic. He’s normally not like this at all, he’s normally very sweet so I was surprised and thought I’d done something! He has also told me he suffers from anxiety so maybe that aided his actions?

OP posts:

Cath2907 · 04/10/2019 12:50

If a man doesn't enjoy spending time with you when you are behaving in a way that is normal for you then you are on to a loser to be honest. You should never change yourself for someone else. If he'd said "you alright chick, you seem quiet?" that would have been fine and if you'd said "yes, having a lovely time, just run out of conversation this evening" that should have been ok. It's pretty normal. He could have given you a hug or just enjoyed the peace with you. It seems instead he is sulking.

I'd suggest leaving him to his sulk and see what happens next. I'd also be wondering if the relationship was worth it - this sounds pretty hard work for 6 months in.

HeyNotInMyName · 04/10/2019 12:58

He has also told me he suffers from anxiety so maybe that aided his actions?
You are already finding excuses for his behaviour.
He is currentky stonewalling you as a punishemnt for your behaviour yesterday evening.
Its at the very least PA.

I would bet that if you contact him again, he wont say anthing for a bit longer (amybe until he hears you aplogising for something you never did)
And if you dont contact him, he will say that its a sign you clearly dont care about him/have an issue with him etc....

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2019 12:59

Controlling wankers are always "very sweet" in the beginning...

BlingLoving · 04/10/2019 13:04

In the beginning, these kinds of misunderstandings are not unusual in that your'e comfortable with silence and he thinks silence means there's a problem.

But what IS unusual, is him not believing you and now sulking. So, normal early dating, slightly anxious dater asks less anxious dater if everything i okay because she has been quiet for a few minutes. Less anxious dater assures him that she's having a lovely time. Both daters then move onto a new conversational topic.

That didn't happen here and I'd guess you were trying hard to make sure you didn't seem disinterested. And now you're worrying.

Sorry, he's childish and immature at best, manipulative and controlling at worst. I honestly don't think this is a good thing.

[also, why have you been dating for 6 months but only officially for 1 month? Did you need to prove you were "worthy" before he was willing to go public? I'd be willing to put money on the fact that you'd have happily gone public earlier than he wanted to?]

AnneKipanki · 04/10/2019 13:48

Yes , why only officially 1 month ?

The silence speaks volumes...run !

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2019 13:52

@AnneKipanki

The silence speaks volumes...run !

You are 100% right about that!

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