I can't make this right, can I

[BarrenFieldofFucks]

I've fuckrd my marriage and I can't see a way back. I'm lying in bed with my 1 yr old while my husband sleeps next door, and I just don't know what to do.

I've always been a liar, I will do literally anything to avoid confrontation or bad feeling. I've also always been crap with money. I've built up debt and didn't tell him. It wasn't all on me, I'm the only one with a credit card so when we've needed credit we have used it . But because he works and I don't I never liked to say we couldn't afford to do something (I 'managed' all the finances, he can't remember his log ins etc) so just say yes and sort it out later.

But it has come to a head and he is so angry. Said he's always taken everything I say with a pinch of salt but that he loved me anyway. But now I'm not so sure. I don't know how I can get back from this. I've set up a DMP agreement to manage the debt etc, bit I've hurt him.

I'm just such an almighty fuck up

So he had his head comfortably in the sand up until now. Transparency is key with these matters.
Finances are a joint responsibility.
Why are you in charge of finances if you’re a self confessed crap with money- er?
And why (and how) do you have a credit card in your name if you don’t work?

They're from before we had kids.

Also ... not remembering log ins is a total cop out in the internet age where you can take your pick from the fintech banks and have every penny accountable at every second in the palm of your hand.... Monzo/ starling/revolut /n26 are all your friend. Google and empower yourself and your husband.

I think your husband is to blame as much as you really. What a luxury to know nothing about finances because you can’t be arsed to remember log ins.

I don't know how we come back from this. He's angry cause I lied,and I know I did. Repeatedly, it's my instinct. I'm just so sad.

Ok so op.
You have a really shitty opinion of yourself and way of describing yourself. Where does it come from?
What do you lie about? Tell us your worst!
What were you spending the money on?
Designer handbags? Boutique hotels? Gambling ?

Also why doesn’t he have a credit card? Just out of interest?

This really isn't his fault, he's lovely. This is just my MO. I think I'm some sort of sociopath, my moral code seems to be solely what I can get away with. I just hate myself so much, I think that buying the right clothes for me, the kids, him, will make me who I want to be. I'm fat, so I buy more to try to make me look the way I feel I should, and buy nice clothes for the kids so they can look good even if don't. I buy the right toys. Like I'm just pretending to be a person, and buying the props to be that person when really I'm just some sort of shell. I'm not even making any sense.

But it's just me. I'm a flake. I avoid confrontation so much that I avoid any sort of uncomfortable conversation with anyone, so sometimes just don't reply to people and we end up drifting apart.

My husband is kind, he's honest, has integrity etc.

I didn't just buy clothes obviously, house stuff, just generally living a touch above our means. We've got such a lovely family, and I've screwed it

So you bought clothes and toys .
What did you buy ? Where was it from?
Presumably you need to buy some clothes at least.
Can you put a figure on your excessive clothing allowance you allocated for yourself? Monthly?

You have a 1year old baby, so presumably the last couple of years were not the easiest for you anyway finances aside? Having a baby massively affects your confidence, changes your body, drains out your time...
then there’s suddenly having to be dependent on someone else... etc
Can you be a teeny bit kinder and more forgiving to yourself, with that taken into consideration?

How long have you been together?

Has he said he wants to split up over this?

It's a kind thought, but I genuinely have no impulse control. I just blunder through life doing what I want and then trying to smooth the water after by saying what the other person wants to hear.

It's the lies he's angry about, not the money.

Over a decade, we have three children. No, he hasn't said that. Just went to bed in other room and said he didn't want to see me till the morning. But I've never seen him like this. It's just so sad. He's devoted to me, and the kids, and I go and do this.

You both have a problem with money in the sense of how you are using it. He’s allowed you to manage the finances and forgets log-ins, so he avoids thinking or knowing about what’s going on. You are trying to use spending to deal with low self-esteem. You aren’t a fuck-up by any means but you and your man need to talk and he needs to take some responsibility too.

If you know you've got a money problem and mental health issues that need addressing - then why aren'y you seeking professional help?
Talking to your GP about it?

I'm already medicated for anxiety and depression

You can fix this but you have to start with yourself. My husband did similar shitty things for a long time before we got together, he had to work on himself a lot to fix it. He felt entitled as he had been severely victimised as a child and just lived in that mindset but would lie to cover mistakes and avoid confrontation.

He genuinely has changed his whole outlook on things and is a happier more honest person because of it.

You're not a sociopath or you wouldn't be here worrying about it or saying he's lovely. You'd be here telling us he's an asshole or just out somewhere spending.

Also have you ever had a ASD assessment?

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/gender/stories.aspx

Well it's not great but you've not done anything evil or unforgivable. He needs to understand why you lied and hopefully he can find it in himself to forgive you.

Maybe you need to write him a letter and tell him what you're telling us. Don't beat yourself up, just wake up tomorrow and try and start to undo the mess. Little bit at a time but be honest with the financial companies. They have strategies in place to help you. It's better to deal with them first and get the help that's out there. X

You haven't done anything unforgivable or evil, but you are a self admitted liar. This is a huge problem and he'd be well within his rights to walk away for that alone.

Living with a liar is an awful existence, nothing is ever guaranteed or sure and you spend your life second guessing.

If you were a man posting this, that you lie constantly to avoid confrontation I reckon you'd of gotten a much harsher response here.

OP, this is pretty common, in this day there is a lot of feeling the need to be a perfect family, doing lots of stuff, well dressed, etc and I think if you aren’t working this stuff can get even worse, because you kind of lose any other sense of identity. You are not a band person, you’ve over spent and it’s hit you on the arse, he too would have realised this if he had thought about it. If he is a nice guy then he will come round and you need to discuss it both practically how to address it and emotionally too, why you are doing it. Is it because he gets arsed if you said ‘we can’ t afford to do that’ I had to do that because I was also loathe to deny anything because my H associated ‘those words ‘ with bad times in his life.

I don’t really think it’s a massive fuck it. Like pp said it’s a joint effort that’s got you where you are so don’t take all the blame.

He can do basic math in his head surely.

I think people are tying themselves in knots trying to find a way to hand at least some blame to OP's dh.

But really, you should be able to trust your spouse and it is not that unusual for one partner to take control of the household finances. There may be areas of responsibility in the marriage where he takes control. He is the opposite of financially abusive - he hands his whole salary to his wife and trusts that it's managed properly.

If op has been lying about the cost of what she's buying, or spending money on stuff he never sees, then I don't see how he's guilty of anything except naivety.

He isn't even angry about the money, but about the lying.

If a woman posted that she handed her full salary to her dh, trusted him to manage it but had found out that he had lied about accruing debts then nobody would be saying 'it's your fault, take responsibility for your part in this.'

OP, it sounds like you are quite self aware. I think all you can do is be honest with him about what led to this behaviour (as you have been here), apologise, push for joint financial management from now on and consider counselling for the wider issues.