I can't make this right, can I

[BarrenFieldofFucks]

I've fuckrd my marriage and I can't see a way back. I'm lying in bed with my 1 yr old while my husband sleeps next door, and I just don't know what to do.

I've always been a liar, I will do literally anything to avoid confrontation or bad feeling. I've also always been crap with money. I've built up debt and didn't tell him. It wasn't all on me, I'm the only one with a credit card so when we've needed credit we have used it . But because he works and I don't I never liked to say we couldn't afford to do something (I 'managed' all the finances, he can't remember his log ins etc) so just say yes and sort it out later.

But it has come to a head and he is so angry. Said he's always taken everything I say with a pinch of salt but that he loved me anyway. But now I'm not so sure. I don't know how I can get back from this. I've set up a DMP agreement to manage the debt etc, bit I've hurt him.

I'm just such an almighty fuck up

Well, fwiw at this stage I laid bare everything, the totals etc. I have arranged a DMP to manage them in the meantime. We have made up on the basis that I never lie again, which is more than fair.

Thanks to everyone for posting, and to those posting in the night the other night, talking helped.

Aww bless you op, that's good xx

The the lying tho, find the need you are covering with it xxx

Do some reading around ADHD and ADD and see if any of it resonates with you. Your poor impulse control, lying, low self esteem and the way you describe your social struggles are very familiar to me!

www.additudemag.com/why-lie-adhd-fight-flight-freeze/

It's extremely unhelpful when people start posting "if you were a man saying this then you'd get X response". There is absolutely no evidence for that and it's irrelevant. It's just a (sexist) way to stick the boot in. I don't think I've ever heard of a woman who is her family's sole earner handing over 100% of the financial responsibility to her male partner (barring cases of financial abuse and control where she has no choice). I also can't recall ever reading a thread from a man who so clearly has rock bottom self esteem where he was treated any differently than OP is being treated here by most posters.

OP, I'm sure your husband is kind. But whilst your issues surrounding honesty are not his fault, he does need to accept some responsibility for the state of the family finances. It's not something that should be the sole responsibility of one party. You both have a joint obligation. He doesn't get to wash his hands of it and then blame you 100% when it goes wrong. He should have been aware of what was going on because he should have been taking his share of the responsibility. That's not to say that you don't also need to wear your share of the responsibility, but it's not all on you. And to PPs, yes I would also say this to a man (shock horror!).

Buying clothes to make yourself feel better is a trap you need to get out of pronto. It goes like this: you feel like shit so you go online and buy a new outfit. It arrives in the post and you momentarily feel a buzz as you open the package. After a few minutes you start to feel guilty because you know that you can't actually afford it and your husband would be mad. You spend all day feeling worse and worse about it. So when the kids are in bed, you get back online and order something else to cheer yourself up. It's a vicious circle. You will never find happiness or fulfilment by buying clothes you can't afford online.

When you talk about the lies you tell, what kind of lies are they? Is it always to do with finances? Is it just your husband that you lie to? This is something to get to the bottom of.

Some practical advice that might help. Sit down with your husband - because this is a shared responsibility - and write a family budget. There's an excellent app called Fudget that you can use to input all of your income and all of your expenses. I use it religiously. Every time I buy groceries for example I add my expenditure to the "groceries" row and the app updates my total remaining cash for the month. Whilst you're both getting out of bad financial habits, it might be worth sitting down together with the app each evening and going through what you've both spent that day, making sure it's all been recorded and discussing any areas where there was unnecessary spending or savings to be made.

Are you both getting some free time away from the kids? Are you able to spend some time as a couple or on individual interests? Something that screams to me from your posts that it sounds like you're both just ground down. Clichéd as it sounds, maybe you really need to reconnect as a couple and remind yourselves why you got together in the first place. Remember who you both are as people, not just "mum and dad".

Good luck

OP, you cant just promise to not lie again and everything be ok.

If you could just stop lying, why havent you before now?

You need help. Professional help. Have you told your doctor about this? They might be managing your depression and anxiety, but that might not be the problem.

You may be depressed and anxious because there is something else going on. The depression and anxiety is a side effect of whatever is going on. You are lying, which makes you feel shit, so you spend and lie which makes you feel shit.

I am not saying you are nor depressed or anxious, just that these things may not be the root cause. The root cause is likely something else that's causing your depression and anxiety. The doctor needs to know it all to help you in a meaningful way.

Whatsinaname,

I'll tell you what I think is not helpful. When a woman posts that she's a compulsive liar and bad with money, and the advice she receives is that she might have an undiagnosed special need, or be covering for something, or that it's somehow her husband's fault. To me, that's sexist. And infantilising.

Every second thread on this board is about a man lying. Does anyone say 'poor thing, he might have SEND' or 'you need to take some responsibility for your husband's lies' or 'just check that he's not lying to cope with some deep seated emotional distress'?

OP has lied, every day, to her family and got them all into a serious financial mess. He's allowed to be annoyed about that. I'm sure he's kicking himself for leaving the money with her, but he's still allowed to be annoyed and the only thing he's done wrong is trusting her.

OP, I'm really glad that you've been honest with yourself and him. You don't sound like a bad person to me, and I'm glad you've both worked it out again. I hope this does bring about new transparency in your marriage, but ingrained behaviours and compulsions are hard to kick without support and I think you should still consider counselling.

I think you need to address your lying and what's behind it with professional help. It sounds like a compulsive behaviour, so just trying to stop and making promises is unlikely to work.

You really do need professional help to deal with how you feel about yourself, your fear of confrontation, feeling like a fraud and the lying. Sorting this out will deal with the causes of your depression and anxiety.

I think you should see a therapist or counsellor, OP, to find out why you have this low self esteem and sense of emptiness that you try to fill with expensive clothes and possessions.
Feeling detached from your life, and using clothes etc as props and costumes, can be a feature of depression, and perhaps yours is not being adequately treated.
You need to build a sense of self worth that comes from within, and does not depend on external validation by designer gear or a fancy lifestyle.
Do you belong to a church or have a religious faith? It could be helpful for you to know that you are loved by God exactly as you are - faults and all. And He doesn’t give a shit about the cost of your handbag!

Hi OP,

I have recently been in your situation, except it was DH who was in charge of the finances, and me with my head in the sand. I was cross with him, but equally had to take 50% responsibility because I had blindly muddled along and not bothered to help.

We sat down together and made a list of every single expenditure we have. We started with the biggies, but listed right down to the children's Friday sweets. We made a spread sheet and set a budget for each section. We also deal more in cash. We take out £250 at the beginning of he month for groceries, and we don't go over. Basically if it's not Inthe budget it doesn't happen.

This has enabled us to gradually pay back our debt... Though we have a long way to go we're getting there.

I don't think you've fucked it up. I think you both managed to get into a bit of a bind. He needs to be more Pro active now. We now sit down TOGETHER with our budget at least once a week to check all is as it should be. These things should always be a partnership.