Was I wrong to say this to DH about sex...?

[Abracad]

We haven’t had sex much recently. We are not in a great relationship phase. We haven’t managed to be thoughtful. There are resentments. DH will pretty much ignore me all day, only touching me fairly intimately at bedtime to see if I was sex. When I decline, he withdraws his hand, turns his back and ignores me. He did it last night at about 2am (I’d been out, working). I did not feel horny and declined. He asked if I didn’t want sex because I felt ill, or because I didn’t love him, or... I explained that for me, sex is intimate. It is the culmination of kindness and consideration and warmth. (I didn’t say this, but I guess the unspoken narrative is that it is not something I feel like after days/ weeks of being belittled and ignored because he’d stuck his hand in my pants.) We lay in silence and I drifted off. Before I fell asleep, he turned away and did lots of deep sighing and harrumphing.
I’m not sure whether this was wrong of me to say/ feel. It IS how I feel and I think it’s reasonable. I realise most people want sex in a marriage - but I cannot carry on feeling like I should do it. And I struggle to express my feelings, so presumably it’s better than faking it/ not explaining. But - maybe it was, I don’t know, shocking in some way.

Have these men all morphed into this or has it always been like this but you put up with it more when younger? I’ve found that people generally are what they are and they show their true colours after a short time.

Why are you all still with them it they make you feel like this?

Yeah big issue here. Communication. Tell him that you both need to sit down and talk, tell him the reasons why? It must be awful for you but I feel it must be awful for him too and it sounds like he doesn’t completely understand your reasons for rejecting him.

YANBU at all. What you said was perfectly fair. And if you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood, and that's fine. Don't do anything sexually you don't want to.

I can think of few things less sexy than living with a volcano, and having to walk on eggshells, or even just living with a perennially moody person. That would all just remind me of my dad, anyway.

(I didn’t say this, but I guess the unspoken narrative is that it is not something I feel like after days/ weeks of being belittled and ignored because he’d stuck his hand in my pants.)

You probably need to say this. He's clearly not getting it (in at least two ways, badum-tish).

If he understands and stops being a grumpy jerk, all may become well. If he understands and doesn't change, then you know where you stand - a domestic labourer and sex hole. If he has no comprehension, same.