Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Was I wrong to say this to DH about sex...?

54 replies

Abracad · 03/10/2019 19:01

We haven’t had sex much recently. We are not in a great relationship phase. We haven’t managed to be thoughtful. There are resentments. DH will pretty much ignore me all day, only touching me fairly intimately at bedtime to see if I was sex. When I decline, he withdraws his hand, turns his back and ignores me. He did it last night at about 2am (I’d been out, working). I did not feel horny and declined. He asked if I didn’t want sex because I felt ill, or because I didn’t love him, or... I explained that for me, sex is intimate. It is the culmination of kindness and consideration and warmth. (I didn’t say this, but I guess the unspoken narrative is that it is not something I feel like after days/ weeks of being belittled and ignored because he’d stuck his hand in my pants.) We lay in silence and I drifted off. Before I fell asleep, he turned away and did lots of deep sighing and harrumphing.
I’m not sure whether this was wrong of me to say/ feel. It IS how I feel and I think it’s reasonable. I realise most people want sex in a marriage - but I cannot carry on feeling like I should do it. And I struggle to express my feelings, so presumably it’s better than faking it/ not explaining. But - maybe it was, I don’t know, shocking in some way.

OP posts:

tuliprose90 · 03/10/2019 22:52

I could've written this post! My DH is currently sulking because I haven't given him sex for a few days. Why would I when he's not particularly nice to me? He doesn't seem to understand that it's the whole package - respect, support, kindness, love - that gets me in the mood.
His mood also dominates how the rest of the family is. Married 16 yrs, together for 25, getting to the point where I don't want to be with him anymore, can't stand the pressure of not being able to relax in my own home, and the dread of the 'pressure' to have sex to keep the peace!

Jabbercocky · 03/10/2019 23:01

@category12 Are you fucking serious!

donethinkin · 03/10/2019 23:08

Yep I’ve got one like that too which is why I now sleep in a separate bedroom. Bored of being groped when I’d been spoken to like a child/piece of shit during the day. I just don’t want somebody groping my body when I’m tired and when I’ve been treated like crap or told what to do. If you want sex with me then you’ve got to make me feel sexy. I think all of us women should just start saying no. Why should they get what they want if they can’t give us what we want. Respect.

Jabbercocky · 03/10/2019 23:11

@Abracad Consider the possibility that:

You feel loved, noticed and validated by all kinds of talking, kindness and considerate behaviour.
He feels loved, noticed and validated by physical contact, by having his intimate advances positively responded to.

Is one more “correct” than the other? The end desire is the same: to feel loved, noticed and validated.

Seems to me you both want to get to the same place, you just don’t want to go the same way. Not worth falling out for really, just learn to be better journey-mates along the way.

Original poster

Abracad · 04/10/2019 03:52

@Jabbercocky I think that is probably correct, although I think there are probably some other variables affecting his demeanour. But - for quite some time, I’ve done it ‘his way’ and it hasn’t resulted in me then reciprocally getting love and kindness. I think if it did I would be inclined to do it. To start the chain of sex - kindness and love - sex - kindness and love.
But that’s not what happens. We have sex. It’s ok. He continues to be moody. And repeat.

OP posts:

category12 · 04/10/2019 06:08

Yes, I'm fucking serious, jabbercocky. It's not normal for a partner to belittle and ignore you. It's not normal to live under the constant shadow of your partner's moods. Those are emotionally abusive behaviours.

FreshwaterBay · 04/10/2019 06:22

I agree with you @category12

LellyMcKelly · 04/10/2019 06:28

YANBU. Why on earth would anyone want to have sex with someone who treated them poorly? Belittling and ignoring is not a turn on for anyone.

Sally2791 · 04/10/2019 07:01

I don’t think they do want to feel loved, noticed, validated. I think they just want the sex and it really doesn’t matter that much how the woman feels. Some may be better at going through the motions of giving her what she wants but it’s still really all about him. The man who is a miserable git all day still feels entitled to try his luck with a grope at night.Yuck. Not sure how we can change things and I’m cross that it has to come from us because they are never likely to en masse wake up and realise they’ve been (mostly) arses . In my experience they can pretend to be nice early on but it’s not genuine. I’m not a hater of all men but the vast majority do seem to have a similar pattern of behaviour. Even the ones who aren’t sex pests are not attentive to the feelings and needs of their supposed loved ones. I think a huge amount needs to change about what we expect from relationships- perhaps if both parties could be more upfront and honest about their expectations in the beginning there would be less room for misunderstandings, instead of sleep walking into some imagined Disney dream.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 04/10/2019 07:05

Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who isn't nice to them? Its pretty basic stuff.

katalavenete · 04/10/2019 07:12

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Sparklfairy · 04/10/2019 07:13

He can't treat you like dirt all day and then expect to stick his dick in you. You're not a sex doll.

walkinwar · 04/10/2019 07:17

I could have written this word for word. I'm sorry I don't have advice other than I know communication is the issue. I actively avoid it because I can't face the inevitable row (which DH usually conducts in front of the kids). Would he agree a counselling?

IdiotInDisguise · 04/10/2019 07:21

Thank you for your kind replies. I don’t think he is emotionally abusive. But I do think his moods are difficult and that he doesn’t recognise that

That’s abusive. Walking on egg shells because of his moods is abusive, being ignored and belittled throughout the days is abusive, demanding sex as if he was his right and make you feel you are in the wrong because you are not up to it is abusive.

Honestly OP... like most domestic abuse victims, you are quicker to blame yourself for the problem when it is blatantly his fault. You don’t need bruises to be abused.

Shoxfordian · 04/10/2019 07:21

He should be consistently kind to you
It's nothing to do with him not feeling loved without sex, precious posters should stop making excuses for him. He's moody all day then expects you to perform like a sex doll all night. Sounds like a knob to me

NabooThatsWho · 04/10/2019 07:22

Men need to have sex to feel loved and woman need to feel loved to feel like having sex.

Nah. These men just want a receptacle to ejaculate into. Love doesn’t come into the equation. They don’t see the female as an equal partner, with thoughts and needs of her own. They don’t give a shit.
It’s all about their ‘need’ for sex.

The woman wants love, respect, intimacy. These selfish, man-children aren’t capable of giving it.

Do you even want to stay with him OP? He sounds like a knob.

Ludos · 04/10/2019 07:26

I'm another one that could have written this...

CampingItUp · 04/10/2019 07:29

All sorts of things could be going on. He may well feel that he is showing love and affection by trying to initiate sex.

But of course it is not wrong for you to decline when you don’t feel like it.

But you won’t get any further without being able to talk about it.

Can you write him s letter? You explained how you feel to us, in writing?

NabooThatsWho · 04/10/2019 07:39

He may well feel that he is showing love and affection by trying to initiate sex.

If he thinks that treating her badly then sticking his hand in her pants is showing love and affection, then he’s a bit of a lost cause.

Themyscira · 04/10/2019 07:41

Op, I know this is difficult to face, but from what you've shared here it does sound abusive.

My exh was the same. He would be cold and unresponsive for weeks at a time. He would grope me at inappropriate moments and expect me to enjoy it. He treated me like his property, and like a piece of meat. He would 'punish' me with the silent treatment if I didn't have sex with him or if I didn't ask him first (I was meant to read his mind).

All the while I was run ragged with day to day life that his presence actually made worse rather than better due to his terrible moods.

I was painted as the bad guy, always. I was frigid, unresponsive, a bad wife. I didn't like sex enough.

Now that we've split and I am not being gaslit every day, I realise that being treated like shit doesn't exactly lend itself to wanting physical intimacy. And I actually do like sex, but definitely not with him.

FreshwaterBay · 04/10/2019 07:58

@Jabbercocky

Male, born in 1950’s?

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 04/10/2019 08:13

I'm with the others who aren't buying the "women need love to want sex, men need sex to feel loved."

I mean, the first part may be true for many women. I'm not a women so I won't assume but it seems realistic.

But my girlfriend's ex was all over the second part. If they just had sex a bit more he'd feel loved and find it easier to be loving.

And yeah, he was less sulky for a day or so. It wasn't because he felt fulfilled and it opened gates of flowing love within him. He'd just got his end away and his lack of sulking could temporarily be perceived as 'loving.'

If I had to comment on my own girlfriend I'd say it more the feeling of being appreciated and not taken for granted that keeps thing sexually healthy with us. Take the routine shit of the day on as a team and go to bed as a team, I guess.

SunMoonRainShine · 04/10/2019 08:20

You're obviously not unreasonable to not want sex. However, I would encourage you to say the full sentence to him that you said you said you didn't say (you need warmth/kindness/affection etc during the day to feel in the mood at bedtime!) If you need those things to be in the mood, perhaps explaining that will ensure he does so in future.

GenderfreeJoe · 04/10/2019 08:33

My ex was like this op. He would sulk all day and ignore me. Day after day. For a really long time. And then he would complain it was my fault we didn't have sex. Because I didn't like having sex apparently. Nothing to do with the fact that he ignored me all the time and didn't make a huge amount of effort for me when we did have sex. I came to believe it was my fault. If only I tried harder then he wouldn't be like this. But that wasn't true. It was about him. I didn't recognize it for what it was. An emotionally abusive relationship.

Shoxfordian · 04/10/2019 09:01

There you are op, you just need to explain to him that he shouldn't act like a knob all day. Problem solved. Ffs

Flip

1 2 3