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Original poster

Anyone done the friends thing first?

31 replies

loveyoutothemoon · 03/10/2019 15:44

I've met someone in my professional life that I'm really drawn to and fancy the pants off. Definite chemistry there but I know nothing can happen for quite a while. Can't really say for how long but definitely not very near future.

I've been OLD for years and always wanted to meet someone naturally, and I always seem to fancy people that I can't have!

Now I feel like I've met someone, sparks, butterflies the lot.

He's going to an event this weekend. I really want to go but I never go anywhere like that on my own.

Was thinking of friendship first but think I'd die of anticipation...I've never been friends first and eventually had a relationship with someone.

Not sure what advice anyone could give really just needed to get it out! When I fall, I fall hard!

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 03/10/2019 16:00

Feel like I'm going to explode!

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Cherrypicker01 · 03/10/2019 16:34

Awh that’s lovely.

My current DP and me met when I was at the end of my last relationship. I had a hard time preparing to leave an abusive home and we met over social media (all friends and school and village connections but never crossed paths ourselves!). He because my best friend slowly over the winter months, supported me through and after the split and then I realised I was head over heels. He was so respectful I thought he had totally friend zoned me! Turns out he was just really respectful. I remember thinking at the time that it was agony not to have him as mine but at the same time I couldn’t not have him in my life - no matter what form of relationship I had to endure. Then on New Year’s Eve, I asked him to stay over and be my big spoon (he said no at first because he didn’t want to get in the way of my night Hmm ) and then it hit me that I just couldn’t bare to be apart again. I said ‘please?’ He smiles and said okay.

And then he made the first move and it was magic.

If you are meant to be you are meant to be OP! Dare greatly and let him know!

Cherrypicker01 · 03/10/2019 16:35

*became my best friend, not because Confused

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 03/10/2019 16:36

He’s married?

JeSuisPrest · 03/10/2019 16:42

But you're not really doing the "friends" things first are you? You're going to try and cultivate a friendship with the end goal of having a relationship with him. The friends thing first is when you are friends with no romantic attraction, but one day it dawns on one (or hopefully both of you) that you would actually like more and the friendship is the starting point.

Not saying you are doing anything wrong but if you already fancy the pants off him, you're not naturally developing a friendship because you want a friend, it's because you want to get your end away Grin. If you do the friends thing, how will you feel about him telling you about dates he is having with other women - you know, the kind of things friends talk about.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 03/10/2019 17:33

@Cherrypicker01 That's a really lovely story. You say dare greatly and let him know, although I'm absolutely bursting to tell him, I really can't. It's really difficult to explain. Put it this way, it's not an average 9-5 office job, much more complicated, and I could get the sack if anything started. Or do you think I just tell him with a view to a potential relationship in the future? Thing is I see him tomorrow and potentially not again for weeks!

@JeSuisPrest Ah I see what you mean!

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Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 03/10/2019 17:34

If I told you the job, there's a very big possibility you'd say NO don't tell him!

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JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 03/10/2019 17:43

It’s a patient/client then. You can’t even be friends in that case and actually it’s quite underhanded to pretend to be “just” a friend to get a romantic relationship with him.

RushianDisney · 03/10/2019 17:47

Don't endanger your job over a crush, no matter how perfect he may seem. You can't pursue a fake friendship with the hopes of it becoming more, I think for a romantic relationship to grow from a friendship that initial platonic relationship has to have developed organically, not with a hidden agenda.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 03/10/2019 17:48

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart Not quite! And yes I agree with what you're saying.

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Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 03/10/2019 17:51

@RushianDisney I agree, thank you. Just needed to get it out there as I don't want to tell friends.

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Earthandsky · 03/10/2019 18:02

If you could lose your job over it, it would be madness to tell him.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 03/10/2019 18:05

I know. I'm gutted.

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SuperSpaghetti · 03/10/2019 18:10

Tell us his job so we can help you.

Branster · 03/10/2019 19:08

Well, if it would be inappropriate to let him know you are interested in him, the only thing you can do is hope that he will notice you and feel that you are available. However, you need to be very realistic in case his is taken or he already likes someone else even if not in an actual relationship or you might simply not be compatible. So be careful you don’t become obsessed with him.
Look as nice as you can, show how intelligent you are and so on and hope for the best. But be yourself at all times.
Good luck!

amillionwishes · 03/10/2019 19:21

Friends at work first... both in relationships. I left mine, he stayed. I moved office but stayed with the same company. The friendship continued... he left his relationship and there we were.

It can work, I think we were probably the exception rather than the rule though.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 03/10/2019 19:25

I'd love to tell you more but I just can't, I don't want to out myself (or embarrass myself!).

@Branster thank you so much, that sounds brilliant advice, I'll do exactly that. I just get excited when I click with someone naturally, but I need to be realistic.

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Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 03/10/2019 19:29

@amillionwishes how lovely!

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Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 03/10/2019 19:33

Just feel like I want to make it clear to him but I'll do as @Branster suggests. I don't need a man at all and been very happy on my own, but when a nice one comes along I want to grab him!

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Branster · 03/10/2019 22:38

That’s because you fancy him but given the circumstance you mustn’t make clear to him. If it was a ‘no consequences’ situation I’d be all for go ahead, flirt, use your woman powers and have a go as the worst it can happen he’s not interested and at least you tried. Maybe you like him because there is the forbidden fruit element here.
There’s no harm in making a little extra effort on yourself in case he sees you and there’s no harm in having a secret crush, it shows on your face and makes you a bit more interesting and mysterious. But if it turns into a big secret obsessive passion, then it wouldn’t be good for you.
If you’re meant to have some sort of closer interaction, it will happen without you having to engineer it and manipulate him. Otherwise your cure will com from noticing or imagining annoying habits that he has or someone accessible and at least as attractive will come your way.

bert3400 · 03/10/2019 22:45

I met my DH at work, he's alot younger than me and we became friends first. Never did I think about him romantically because of the age gap. After about a year of being good friends we ended up having a drunken shag. I never thought it would go any further, but 21 years later, we are married, two kids together and are still crazy about each other.

Ohnoherewego62 · 03/10/2019 22:51

Is he taken op?

If it's an event you both like then why not suggest going together (providing hes single and its platonic)

Theres no harm in seeing how you feel when outside a working capacity

Tippletopple · 03/10/2019 23:18

I've never been friends first and eventually had a relationship with someone.

Exact opposite for me! Always been friends first. I probably need the opposite advice: been a situation when I was trying to just be friends to get to know someone first but every time they turned it flirty - and then I don't know how to react!

SlothRunner · 03/10/2019 23:35

i was friends with my OH for about 6 months, and was with somebody else at the time. We developed pretty strong feeling for each other, i broke up with my ex, and got together with my OH. That was 16 years ago, and we are still together 😍

Scott72 · 04/10/2019 01:43

"Nice girl" game of trying to cultivate a friendship then declaring your love wouldn't be a good idea. Its better to just declare your feelings early. But workplace romances are almost always a bad idea now due to concerns about sexual harassment, and in your workplace would be unacceptable by your own account. Just do nothing and eventually the feelings will fade.