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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else got a partner who has night terrors and lashes out?

39 replies

FfsDs · 02/10/2019 20:38

My DH has night terrors. Every night.

The usual is him shouting random things from his dream, waking me up.

Sometimes he will scream and jump up.

Sometimes he starts kicking and punching.

I've been on the receiving end of both more times than I care to imagine.

He has no idea he's doing this. He is fast asleep and his limbs are just acting out what his mind is going through.

I've bought a superking bed which had been a lifesaver. I can roll away to the safety of the edge Grin

It a side effect of a much needed medication but sometimes it's tiring. More so the sleep shouting. Though he comes out with some corkers and really weird sentences that make it worth it sometimes.

Anyone else going through similar?

OP posts:
BeBraveAndBeKind · 02/10/2019 20:44

We've had periods of this over the years but not for a while. You have my utmost sympathy to be dealing with it every night. Being woken suddenly by the shouting is bad enough without the lashing out. DH shoved me right out of bed once!

Original poster
FfsDs · 02/10/2019 21:04

Yeah the shouting is scary. Especially if he's shouting 'get out!' or something!

OP posts:
boddtm · 02/10/2019 21:27

Yep. It's not fun. We have everything from kickboxing to name calling - it's hard not to take it personally 🙈

boddtm · 02/10/2019 21:28

@FfsDs Can I ask what medication. We saw the GP and a sleep therapist and they tried tablets which only made things worse 😱

ShirleyPhallus · 02/10/2019 21:30

Yes, DP has this. He will often dream he’s fighting someone and wake up to see that he’s jumping in to the head board or occasionally kick me.

We downloaded the sleep sounds app which records him as soon as he starts yelling. It makes for some good listening

I get sleep paralysis though so we are just as bad as each other

peonyfairy03 · 02/10/2019 21:32

When I was with my ExH I used to have terrible night terrors all the time. I used to wake up screaming and shouting, heart racing and sometimes I used to think someone was standing over me. I haven’t been With him for 5 years and in those 5 years I’ve had 2. Mine was caused by stress and being very unhappy he was very controlling in every way. Not saying your DH is feeling the same I did though.

Original poster
FfsDs · 02/10/2019 21:36

His medication is venlafaxine.

He actually bit one of the kids once. That was probably the worst incident of them all.
DH cried for ages after that.
He was terrified someone would see the mark and take the kids.

I mean who would believe him without seeing what goes on every night.
That was 7 years ago though and the kids don't stay in our bed anymore after that.

It does worry me that one day I'm going to get a broken nose or something!

He's usually fighting an intruder or a zombie.

OP posts:
boddtm · 02/10/2019 21:39

Oh @FfsDs I really feel for you and for your DH. Have you noticed it more the more tired he is during the day? I wonder if we've slipped into some sort of vicious circle because the night stuff makes his quality of sleep a bit naff, which makes him tired, which worsens the night stuff, and on, and on...

bathorshower · 02/10/2019 21:42

We've been there once, though we think it was sleep walking rather than a night terror. For DH, having some light in the room helps. Is sleeping in the same room the right thing for you? You can always have cuddles in one room before one of you goes to actually sleep in another - depends how bad the lashing out is at the moment.

june2007 · 02/10/2019 21:43

My oh does he is in on beta blockers.

MsMustDoBetter · 02/10/2019 21:44

I do this, but not the kicking and punching. I do shout and scream and run around though. DH tries to be patient and he does worry that I'll hurt myself.

If I were you I'd get twin beds or even sleep in separate rooms.

Original poster
FfsDs · 02/10/2019 21:44

It's 10x worse if he forgets his pill.

If he runs out I know I'm in for a rough night.
He sweats terribly too. I guess that's from the stress of what's going on in the dreams.

Poor bugger is knackered by the time he wakes up.

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 02/10/2019 21:45

There is a programme on channel 5 this very thing. Get it on plus one if you have it or on catch up.

Original poster
FfsDs · 02/10/2019 21:46

We don't have a spare room or bed unfortunately. I would use it occasionally I think if we did. But the large bed helps alot. I can put alot of space between us now. So physically it's less of a danger.

OP posts:
Tidypidy · 02/10/2019 21:50

We have this but it's me that lashes out. I've woken up on the floor a few times where I've pushed myself so hard away from dh. My heart races and I feel terrified but don't always know why. It's not caused by medication in my case, just genetic I guess. Dh talks in his sleep too, ds walks around, ds1 and 2 both talk so it's rarely quiet overnight.

Tidypidy · 02/10/2019 21:52

Should say dd walks about in her sleep.

Wonderland18 · 02/10/2019 21:54

I’d speak to his GP about weaning him off of venlaflaxine and onto something else. I was on these for 2 years and they have the worst side effects, worst withdrawals and not a great enough reward to justify it! I stopped cold turkey when pregnant and was so ill for 3 months. Speak about weaning him safely and trying something better, there are a lot of great alternatives

Gileadisreal · 02/10/2019 21:55

Oh gosh, my DH punched his ex wife full on in the face in his sleep once. He's not remotely violent, and is the biggest softie going. He was very stressed at the time apparently, and episodes of this are few and far between thank goodness. Luckily for me it hasn't escalated past shouting and thrashing around a bit, but I can imagine it must be pretty distressing.

GlamGiraffe · 02/10/2019 21:58

I have them. They're actually genetic. My sisters, cousin uncle, fathers but myself and one of my sisters have them particularly badly. They're associated with sleepwalking which we are all prolific at. I have no memory whatsoever of what I get up to and am apparently unwakeable but get up to all kinds of antics. My screaming wakes up everyone in my 3 storey house. In a hotel recently I was apparently convinced there was a fire, wokexeceryone up screaming about it and caused an evacuation into the corridor. Had no idea until I was told about it in the morning. DH has established that not touching me and staying well away and interacting with the conversation of my dream seems to work in calming down the tone. He will go along with whatever story I am acting out and calm it down. Apparently I do get him up a bit usually thinking he is obviously an evil opponent in my dream, he has got used to dodging me. Unfortunately I cant do anything about it but it leaves me very tired in the morning. It's not good for anyone...I wonder what my neighbours think is going on🤔

VulcanRay · 02/10/2019 22:01

I was woken up by a very distressed (sleeping) DH last week, it was absolutely awful to witness and for some bizarre, intuitive reason I knew he was dreaming about his childhood/ abusive Dad (which he confirmed when I gently woke him up). He’s 49. It made me think about all the posters on here who don’t realise when they’re in an abusive relationship, or minimise it on the grounds of staying for the children, I wish they could see the long lasting impact it can have Sad

VulcanRay · 02/10/2019 22:02

Gosh that sounded victim-blaming, of course I wish the perpetrators could see it more!

Original poster
FfsDs · 02/10/2019 22:46

Vulcan that's so sad :(
Unfortunately DH was in the same situation as a child. I think it plays its part too.

OP posts:
Tippletopple · 02/10/2019 23:39

Yes, Ex-W had these! A few times she was dreaming I was falling off the bed and so I'd wake up with her arms around me pulling me over to her side. Once she punched me in the nose!

Girlwhowearsglasses · 02/10/2019 23:43

OP would changing sides help? My parents swapped sides a few years back because my dad was lashing out (playing tennis apparently Hmm). They are both right handed and my dad is now on the right as you look at the bed. Ultimately a spare room is the thing to aim for

ToLiveInPeace · 02/10/2019 23:52

My DH has punched me, throttled me, pulled my hair and more in his sleep. Not too viciously, thankfully, and he wakes easily, apologises sincerely and goes straight back to sleep, while I lie there a gibbering wreck. There's usually a story about fighting off bad people or evil beings. I even tried making up a song about cuddling monsters and zombies if he encounters them in his dreams.

GP wasn't remotely interested that I get attacked by a 200lb bloke.

For this and other reasons, we have separate bedrooms now.