Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone else got a partner who has night terrors and lashes out?

39 replies

FfsDs · 02/10/2019 20:38

My DH has night terrors. Every night.

The usual is him shouting random things from his dream, waking me up.

Sometimes he will scream and jump up.

Sometimes he starts kicking and punching.

I've been on the receiving end of both more times than I care to imagine.

He has no idea he's doing this. He is fast asleep and his limbs are just acting out what his mind is going through.

I've bought a superking bed which had been a lifesaver. I can roll away to the safety of the edge Grin

It a side effect of a much needed medication but sometimes it's tiring. More so the sleep shouting. Though he comes out with some corkers and really weird sentences that make it worth it sometimes.

Anyone else going through similar?

OP posts:
Mermaidtissues · 02/10/2019 23:57

If you have space for a super king then you have ample space for 2 x single beds. Your dc can pop in for a cuddle with you rather than be scared.

OpiesOldLady · 03/10/2019 00:07

I have night terrors. I punch and kick and generally lash out. Luckily for DP sonce we swapped sides of the bed he's not been on the receiving end.

outherealone · 03/10/2019 04:14

My exh didvit a lot. He’s a big man so I found it terrifying and he broke many a bedside lamp!?

MrsChanningTatum · 03/10/2019 05:16

SSRI antidepressants can cause vivid dreams and night terrors with resultant lashing out. He needs to be weened off Venlafaxine and started on something like Mirtazipine.

Also look into sleep apnea, another cause of night terrors. GP can refer to a sleep clinic for assessment. Is he over weight? As this increases risk sleep apnoea.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 03/10/2019 05:18

No but DP sleep walks and wees in random places. I once tried to wake him and he flipped out. He smashed up three doors, ripped them off their hinges and had no memory of it the next day. I was terrified and locked myself in the bathroom.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 03/10/2019 05:19

And he isn't on any medication

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 03/10/2019 05:29

Crikey the is no way I could sleep in the same bed as done of you/your partners!

If there was a risk I'd get punched or kicked it would be seperate beds for me! Also the general having a disturbed night's sleep regularly, it's bad enough with children, you don't bed it with a partner too!

yulet · 03/10/2019 06:31

Yeah separate beds or bedrooms. Or take turns sleeping on the sofa. Seriously though, if I were routinely biting or hitting people in my sleep, or smashing up furniture and scaring people, I'd be looking for some kind of restraint. Something like that must exist mustn't it?

FuriousVexation · 03/10/2019 06:53

Not a partner, but my DS had terrible night terrors from 15 to about 22, following on from a trauma crisis plus a background of childhood trauma.

I sleepwalk and sleeptalk but DS is adopted so no genetic link that I'm aware of.

With DS it actually became worse, from what he says, when he was removed from an incredibly stressful living situation and placed with me. His psychiatrist said that it was probably feeling safe and supported meant he subconsciously felt able to express his fear and pain and this was "spilling out" during sleep.

When he first came to live with us he was waking the whole house up at least a couple of times a week, but as he settled in it gradually became less and less frequent. It flared up again when he was in a bad housing situation in his early 20s but since he has moved back in with me he has only had one in the past year.

He was briefly on melatonin and amitriptyline during the worst times but didn't seem to make any difference.

I frequently found him flailing at closed doors thinking he was trapped or locked in. He also fell down the stairs a few times (luckily they were the two-level type so he only went down about 6 steps and never hurt himself badly.)

What did really help was learning to manage his stress levels, and having a better bedtime regime.

His psychiatrist advised me that it's better not to try to wake the sleeper fully, but just guide them back to bed if you can and make soothing statements like "It's okay, everyone is safe, you're safe and everything is okay." I would then sit on his bed for 20-30 mins while he fell back to deep sleep. Then he would have a rest the remainder of the night whereas I'd be unable to sleep any further due to adreniline rush!

This will sound dumb, but one of the biggest pains for me dealing with it was that I HAVE to sleep naked (if I put PJs or a nightie on then I simply wake up to find I have cast them off during the night) so when DS would start screaming and shouting I would have to lose 2 seconds to get to him in grabbing my dressing gown.

OP to address your specific situation. You haven't stated your DH's diagnosis or reason for medication, but have said that if he forgets a pill, you know you're in for a rough night. How often does that happen? If it's more than once a month, I'd suggest putting some safeguards in place to remind him to take it. It's really not acceptable for him to be frequently "forgetting" to do something that then puts you at risk of getting physically hurt!

I would definitely recommend he overhauls his bedtime routine with a view to winding down to sleep over the space of about an hour. So if the target sleep time is 11pm, the evening could look like this:
10pm Switch off/put away all phones, laptops, tablets etc
10pm Have a chat about how today's been with you - you both get to talk about anything on your mind
10.15pm List three things he's happy about or grateful for today - doesn't need to be deep or meaningful, "I had a really tasty pizza today" or "The sun was shining after days of shit weather" are totally valid!
10.30pm Start drinking a cup of herbal tea, and/or take some herbal sleep aids. Nytol is the main herbal brand but Wilkos do their own version for about £1 per pack and the contents is identical. Bear in mind that if you have a cat, valerian is in most herbal sleep products and is related to catnip, so you may find your cat trying to fish the teabag out at 2am 😂
10.45pm Get into bed. Earlier in the day he should have made sure the bedroom was welcoming and calming, e.g. bed made up, not just duvet crumpled at foot of the bed, bedside lamp on rather than overhead light, clean bed linen, temperature in the room not too hot/cold, electric blanket on if he feels the cold, etc.
10.45pm Listen to something soothing that will help him drop off to sleep calmly. A favourite album, David Attenborough narrating wildlife, a kids' film (I can't tell you how often I've watched Wallace and Grommit at bedtime.) If possible, play this media on a device which will cut off within half hour or so. EG I'll Chrome cast to my TV but put my TV on sleep timer for 30 mins.

I really hope some of this helps OP (and all others.) Honestly I would find it very challenging to be in the same bed as someone who did this so you definitely deserve medals!

FuriousVexation · 03/10/2019 07:04

Oh and just meant to add. I sleepwalk and sleeptalk but my sister used to have proper night terrors when we were young. She found starting primary a very stressful time - she doesn't know why, just remembers it being awful.

So there may well be a link between night terrors and sleep walking in general. I used to do some bizarre shit. Several times I got up in the morning and walked into the kitchen to find that "someone" had got 2 mugs out the cupboard, put teabags in, and filled the kettle, ready for making tea. I have woken up naked in a hotel corridor before.

When sleeping with a partner, I once asked "I'm off to Waitrose, what do you want?" (this was at 8am on a Sunday, before we had Sunday opening)
Him: LOL what
Me: I'm going to Waitrose, do you want anything?
Him: Erm...
Me: FFS I'm going to Waitrose, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Him: ...OK, I don't need anything
Me: [sarcastic tone] Thank you! That didn't need to be so difficult, did it?

Inish · 03/10/2019 07:07

I was like this my whole life. Less physical though.
I have done the rounds of loads of ADs including Venlafaxin and seen a psychiatrist.

It is unresolved PTSD from my childhood. It got worse under times of stress in adulthood.

Getting off all of the meds, working with a great psychotherapist and doing EMDR means I haven’t had them for years - except one episode earlier this year when I had news relating to a violent assault on my sister and niece,

booboo24 · 03/10/2019 08:05

I do this, not the hitting out but I shout and scream a lot. I've said a lot of funny things, too, but the screaming usually results from me dreaming I've swallowed something!!!!! Usually something that it would be impossible to swallow like a remote control or a wall tile or even a Tesco carrier bag! I wake up unable to breathe, heart galloping, and I've usually got my fingers down my throat apparently, obviously trying to get whatever it is out! I walk around, I cry out, I must be a nightmare to life with (no oun intended there!) Sleep apnea has been mentioned but I've not taken it any further yet. It may explain why I'm so tired all the time. Not very helpful.reply but just wanted to put my hand up and say another one here suffering with it but from the other side.

FfsDs · 03/10/2019 09:04

He's not overweight at all.

I don't want separate rooms or beds. It's my norm now I suppose and it doesn't bother me that much.

Getting hit is a rare thing. Though this has been going on 9 years so even though it's happened many times it's not often iykwim.

I hate sleeping alone.

I think he should be coming on venlafaxine too. I don't think it does him any favours and he is seriously addicted to it :(

OP posts:
pudding21 · 03/10/2019 12:27

Hi OP. I have been looking into this as my partner has occasional night terrors or freak outs as he calls them. He never remembers them, and they usually are involved with being concerned about something falling, or someone being hurt. He stands on the bed but is easily helped back to sleep gently.

However in the past he has broken lamps, broken a tooth by biting a head board etc (not while I was with him). He is much better than he was when we first got together, I think stress makes him worse. The more comfortable and happy he is the less they occur. He isnt ever stressed outwardly and is one of the most laid back people I know, but when he is stressed (ie. his dad was in hospital recently for major surgery), they crop up again.

He has started taking CBD oil which showed a huge improvement. naturesbreakthrough.com/effects-of-cannabinoids-on-night-terror-patients/

Another thing which can help is 5 HTP. 5 HTP is a precursor to Serotonin and is a naturally occuring substance. It helps as is thought to be a natural anti depressant as it increases serotonin AND melotonin. Do not take them if he is on SSRI's, but it can be a natural alternative to anti depressants. I would talk to his doctor about this before considering and do some more research but it might help.

See here for more info: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15146330 (research into child night terrors).

www.tamuct.edu/research/databases/disorders/sleep-terror-disorder.html

www.fibrofix.com/blogs/news/sleep-soundly-with-a-little-help-from-your-friend-5-htp

One other thing to consider is his gut health. There are strong links between the gut and brain connection and some beneficial bacteria might be helpful for him also. www.bphope.com/could-gut-microbes-help-us-treat-brain-disorders-mounting-research-tightens-their-connection-with-the-brain/

New posts on this thread. Refresh page