Want to be open and honest about this but I feel sick

[britishbluebelle]

I’m feeling really sad and worthless at the moment, to the extent I went and sat in the toilets at work today feeling teary and sort of hyperventilating. I don’t know what’s triggered this but essentially I am feeling totally disgusting in myself and undeserving of the love of my partner, who really is a kind and genuine man, as I don’t believe he has hidden anything from me whereas I feel I have this huge, dirty secret.

Back story - childhood was OK but I had a really tough time from about 16 onwards. Me and my sister lived alone and I fell out with most of my friends so had an awful, deep loneliness that I took to uni with me, where I drank way too much and slept with loads of ugly idiots and had real MH problems. I look back on it as a real awful time of vulnerability and wish somebody had just told me to go to therapy, stop drinking, have a cup of tea and read a book, instead of all this stupid behaviour. Instead I ended up being raped aged 19 by a man in his thirties - however this was not experienced by me as a trauma at the time, was v much shoved to the back of my mind. I met now DP only one year later when I was still a mess, frankly. About a month into meeting him I then was raped again, this time by a ‘friend’, I completely dissociated from it and it was awful. Never told DP as feared he would look upon it as cheating, although briefly mentioned the earlier incident though said I didn’t want to discuss it. For some reason and I really don’t know what’s triggered it (probably a lot to do with realising that rape isn’t limited to strange men jumping out of an alley at night) for this whole year I’ve just been an emotional mess with severe anxiety and a sense that I’m going to be ‘found out’ - one min I think yes how awful it all was you’ve nothing to be ashamed of etc, the next I think am I just excusing bad behaviour? I just feel like skeletons are falling out of my closet. I’ve also been crying each time DP and I have sex, which is a bit out of the blue. I can hardly say, sorry I’m thinking back to things that happened years ago... (6 years to be precise)

I just feel like I’m losing the plot. When I overhear conversations or read on here people saying things like, what’s a relationship without honesty, my heart skips a beat and makes me reflect on my own. It’s got to the point when I almost wish DP would cheat so I won’t feel like I’ve betrayed him.

I cannot shake the feeling that I cheated on DP with this person in the early days of our meeting although I remember 100% not wanting to be having sex with the person whilst it was going on, it made my skin crawl. It still feels like a dirty secret, and I feel I could have stopped it if I had really wanted to.

I just feel like DP deserves a lovely, honest, genuine woman and I fear I am not that person. Please anybody just want some emotional support, I feel completely at a loss. I did mention this to my mum, I didn’t use the word rape as it sounded dramatic but I did say it was coercive, she totally brushed over that and said not to tell DP as it’d jeopardise us, which has only added to my sense of having a filthy secret.

You need to talk to someone. Before you tell your DP contact Victim Support or a similar helpline and tell them what you have told us.

Darling - you went through two horrendous assaults which your mind, for whatever reason, chose to submerge to your subconscious at that point. Not because it was a dirty secret, but because it was difficult to cope with accepting at that time.

You did not cheat on your DP.
You are a lovely, honest, genuine person who does deserve positive support. Is there someone at your health practice like a nurse who you could go to for advice on which organisations could help you best?

Big hug for you lovely

OP you have had a shocking time of it - how awful. How would you feel about getting in touch with Rape Crisis?

Nb your mum let you live in difficult situations as a teenager. I suspect her advice is pretty rubbish. You don’t have to listen to her.

to you

It wasn't your fault you were raped and it isn't cheating on your partner to be raped.

You need professional help to deal with the trauma of what happened to you.

I hope you can come through this ok and feel a lot better once you've opened up about it.

Thanks everyone - my issue is that I remember so little of BOTH incidents I wouldn’t feel confident in going to the police for either, but the second time in particular, I question whether it was rape because I just let it happen with really no fight, and whilst I know that that can be a ‘normal’ reaction too, it sometimes feels disingenuous to use the word rape. Then I think that’s because I fear people judging me and calling me manipulative, comparing me to Roxane Pallet who turned a jokey punch into an assault. What if I’m like her? I remember so little of it apart from feeling sick during and after. I did not ‘consent’. Sometimes I think maybe it was unwanted but he couldn’t have known as I didn’t put up enough of a fight, so the fault is mine. I don’t know.

Why don't you speak to Rape Crisis? They'll be able to support you and advise you. I would address it with proper help before you even consider discussing it with your DP.

I'm sorry you've had these experiences.

It’s absolutely your decision to go to the police or not. You might not want to do that. But I think you do need help on feeling better, less anxious, less self hatred. You deserve to feel better.

Go to the police, but only if you’re strong enough. Rape convictions are hard on the victim, it was a long time ago and you’re not confident in your memories, so it can feel intimidating. But don’t feel pressured into going if it’s something you can’t face yet.

Right now, the most important thing is you. You seem to be wonderful, strong, genuine and warm woman and my heart goes out to you - I can empathise somewhat. Please don’t blame yourself and do talk to someone about this - you need to have an objective person show you what you’ve fought through and the strength of character to deal with it.

Above all, be kind to yourself, as much as you can

6 years isn't long really. Is there anything in particular that's brought it up this year? I've found that if I'm a bit depressed anyway, it increases that dwelling on painful memories.

I agree with the other posters who've suggested therapy. You could have it already in place as backup for if/when you decide to tell your DH.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You didn't consent- that's rape.

As to your mum, most people aren't living with their sister at 16. There might be stuff about your childhood etc you want to talk about, too. Also, society/people are weird about rape. They haven't caught up, plus your mum might not if wanted to think that something like that had happened to you. If you said on here that you were coerced, I think most people would understand what you meant, but not everyone does. Hugs xxxxx

*not've wanted

I think what you’re experiencing is some sort of trauma response, honestly I do. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You have not cheated on your DP. You have done nothing wrong. Please speak to a skilled counsellor about what your are going through because you cannot suffer alone like this rapecrisis.org.uk/ you do not have to do anything you are uncomfortable with but it is important that you have somebody to talk to about how you are feeling right now. Please don’t be alone xx

Oh sweetheart what a sad post. You have done nothing wrong. You’ve been a victim to predators and been traumatised greatly. The trauma can produce anxiety symptoms, one of which is guilt and fear of being ‘found out’.
It’s up to you whether or not to speak to your husband but in the first instance I recommend speaking to a professional such as rape crisis team or ask gp for a referral for emdr trauma therapy. If you have funds you can find a private practitioner quicker than Nhs waiting list. Sending huge hugs and healing for you x

I would imagine that you have PTSD which is why this is expressing itself in this way. I’d suggest going to see a counsellor experiences in ptsd. Talk it through with somebody. You haven’t cheated. You don’t owe anybody an explanation. I’d say not to tell him until you’ve had some professional help. Your partner isn’t a trained expert and his reaction could really damage you further. You deserve to be loved. This isn’t your fault

Oh and I was sexually assaulted when I was younger but I’ve never told my DH. I also know a woman who was raped but didn’t tell her DH. I think it’s probably more common than you realise. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in having gone through this.

You haven’t explained the circumstances of living alone with your sister. However this situation is far from the norm. I don’t think she is the one, you can be turning to for help and advice. She sounds ill equipped to help you or understand your situation.

There are actually 5 f’s / reactions to a frightening or life threatening situation. Fight flight freeze friend flop. I sounds as though you acted very passively. Maybe flopped.

I also think you should get some therapy. It doesn’t matter how long it was since the second rape, you haven’t properly processed this one or the first

Just wanted to say : You are a beautiful, genuine woman and your dp is lucky to have you. What happened back then make you no 'less' of a person.

Also it is not good for a couple to know every single thing about each other.

What does matter is how you feel about it.

It would certainly help to talk about this but not your mum.

Maybe call 'let's talk we'll bring ' NHS They will be able to get you the right help.

You must stop beating yourself with this stick.

IT WAS NOT YOUR FALUT
However understand that most rapes are done by someone you know so never let yourself be in a position where you are vulnerable.

I tell my daughter to always listen to their inner voice and if anything feels off - avoid.

I understand how you feel. I too had this happen., I think. Also had a wild youth and the incident with a " friend " happened because I was too out of it to object. I always felt that it was my fault. And never told.
But now , like you, realise that it was rape. Unfortunately, there would be no point in going to police after all these years.
But what did help was talking to Rape Crisis . And then, going to counselling. Still going and it really does help .
I did not tell anyone else.I felt that I needed to understand it myself first. And did not want to have to deal with DH reaction or emotion.
Please seek some help.They will be able to guide you .

I think it's keeping up a false image which causes the anxiety. You think you are lying to DH so spend 24hours a day with a pretence. Very stressful.
This of course is crazy. For me completely opening up to a counsellor helped me to see it more sensibly. It was an event in childhood which I was crippled with shame about (something I had no control over at the time).
I still haven't told anyone except counsellor or GP. Anyway,get counselling or support from someone . Off loading the emotions is such relief.

Oh, love
You're not dirty. It wasn't your fault.
It will help you to tell DP, maybe not just yet as you're so distressed- he might say something well-meaning but insensitive or unhelpful etc. If he's a good man as you say he will understand.
Please do get help. Samaritans, you don't have to be suicidal (you can text or e-mail). Rape crisis. Private counselling/ therapy if you can afford it. GP. Local Mind.

You are not worthless. You are a survivor. But surviving what was done to you is taking a massive toll on your psyche. It's time to reach out for help, so that when you do tell your DP in the future you do so knowing that what happened wasn't cheating, wasn't your fault.

I couldn't read and run. Please seek medical help. You are not worthless. You are a human being who has had a really traumatic time.

This is NOT your fault. You deserve help with this. Please contact Rape Crisis. Sadly they'll have infinite experience with what has been done to you. They won't be at all surprised by anything you day/feel and you'll get non judgemental support and advice

It very much sounds like you’re traumatised; what happened isn’t your fault, and you shouldn’t feel bad for any of the choices you made when you were younger.
I think the first step should be getting in touch with rape crisis and getting some support from them. This is your experience and you don’t have to tell your DP but I do think when you’re ready to it will help but it’s important that you talk to someone about doing that and get some support with it.
None of this is your fault but you can and will get through it and getting that help will be the first step.

Rape Crisis.
Dissociation is "common" response. Eventually you will need a good therapist (maybe Psychiatrist) to help you deal with it.
Reach out to those who will understand, not the likes of your Mother who let you down already when you were a teenager.

We believe you.

@britishbluebelle you need to talk to Rape Crisis first. They are amazing and have helped a friend of mine who lived through something similar than you (she actually ‘forgot’ the rape for many years until it just came back to the surface one day in all its ugliness).

And once you are feeling a bit stronger, you need to tell your DP about the two rapes. But my advice would be to talk to him NOW and tell him that you are not feeling yourself and can’t put your finger on why exactly. See a counsellor. If you can with Rape Crisis (but I’m aware that there is a long ish waiting time) or with a private counsellor.
Go and see your GP too. ADs might make it a bit easier to deal with all those memories that are coming back.

And just to reiterate.
There is NOTHING wrong with you or what you did. You are a VICTIM and have been RAPED. You are NOT dirty or making it up or anything like this.
All your reactions atm are ‘normal’ reactions to the trauma coming back to you.
The best thing you can do just now is reach out and get some support, the support you DESERVE, in RL