Want to be open and honest about this but I feel sick

[britishbluebelle]

I’m feeling really sad and worthless at the moment, to the extent I went and sat in the toilets at work today feeling teary and sort of hyperventilating. I don’t know what’s triggered this but essentially I am feeling totally disgusting in myself and undeserving of the love of my partner, who really is a kind and genuine man, as I don’t believe he has hidden anything from me whereas I feel I have this huge, dirty secret.

Back story - childhood was OK but I had a really tough time from about 16 onwards. Me and my sister lived alone and I fell out with most of my friends so had an awful, deep loneliness that I took to uni with me, where I drank way too much and slept with loads of ugly idiots and had real MH problems. I look back on it as a real awful time of vulnerability and wish somebody had just told me to go to therapy, stop drinking, have a cup of tea and read a book, instead of all this stupid behaviour. Instead I ended up being raped aged 19 by a man in his thirties - however this was not experienced by me as a trauma at the time, was v much shoved to the back of my mind. I met now DP only one year later when I was still a mess, frankly. About a month into meeting him I then was raped again, this time by a ‘friend’, I completely dissociated from it and it was awful. Never told DP as feared he would look upon it as cheating, although briefly mentioned the earlier incident though said I didn’t want to discuss it. For some reason and I really don’t know what’s triggered it (probably a lot to do with realising that rape isn’t limited to strange men jumping out of an alley at night) for this whole year I’ve just been an emotional mess with severe anxiety and a sense that I’m going to be ‘found out’ - one min I think yes how awful it all was you’ve nothing to be ashamed of etc, the next I think am I just excusing bad behaviour? I just feel like skeletons are falling out of my closet. I’ve also been crying each time DP and I have sex, which is a bit out of the blue. I can hardly say, sorry I’m thinking back to things that happened years ago... (6 years to be precise)

I just feel like I’m losing the plot. When I overhear conversations or read on here people saying things like, what’s a relationship without honesty, my heart skips a beat and makes me reflect on my own. It’s got to the point when I almost wish DP would cheat so I won’t feel like I’ve betrayed him.

I cannot shake the feeling that I cheated on DP with this person in the early days of our meeting although I remember 100% not wanting to be having sex with the person whilst it was going on, it made my skin crawl. It still feels like a dirty secret, and I feel I could have stopped it if I had really wanted to.

I just feel like DP deserves a lovely, honest, genuine woman and I fear I am not that person. Please anybody just want some emotional support, I feel completely at a loss. I did mention this to my mum, I didn’t use the word rape as it sounded dramatic but I did say it was coercive, she totally brushed over that and said not to tell DP as it’d jeopardise us, which has only added to my sense of having a filthy secret.

Please seek out a good counsellor.

All my life I have suppressed various bad things that had happened in my life and it eventually all culminated in feeling just as you described. Extreme self loathing. Poring over the past in forensic detail. Feelings of unworthiness.

I was sceptical about whether I even needed counselling but it really did work. I am a lighter, happier, more balanced person now.

I understand why you don't feel able to go to the police and I suspect you're probably right sorry.
But thatbdoesnt mean it wasn't rape and the people around you will support that even if you won't report it iyswim
I'm sorry you've had all this awful stuff happening to you and I'm sorry it's making you question your own worth and honesty

I believe you.

Well done for giving voice to your thoughts and for putting into words the times in your life that have left a mark.

When we feel safe in our world we can start to unpick these traumas and work out how to heal from them.

You have recognised that going to therapy and not drinking is a better way than the coping methods you used in the past. Remember this and find a way to work your way through this.

You did not cheat on your partner, you were raped. You are loved and you are that honest lovely genuine woman your DP deserves. You will find a way through.

For years I tried keeping my horrid secrets in a box at the back of my brain, in the end they just kept coming back, and day to day functioning was overwhelming. I felt I didn’t deserve a loving husband and my wonderful son.
I always thought counselling wouldn’t be for me, I didn’t need it, how can a stranger help me, the thought of telling a complete stranger things I didn’t even want my husband to know felt wrong and disloyal, im 48 and these things have been over 30 years eating away at me, I’m in week 7 and it’s the best thing I have ever done.
Get help now so you can be the happy person you deserve to be xxxx

You are suffering from PTSD and are having flashbacks. Your mind needs to process through this and you need some expert help. Phone Rape Crisis and get some help from them.
Personally I wouldn't tell your DP just yet, process everything with the help of Rape Crisis and a counsellor and then decide.
I told my ex H about traumatic events in my past and he used it in practically every argument we had, infact if he could retraumatise or trigger me, he would, constantly opening up old wounds. But he was a narcissist and a spiteful man, hopefully your partner is not like my ex.
A big hand hold for you.

Thanks all, waking up and reading all your messages this morning made me cry. I wish wish wish I could turn the clock back to being a teenager and I’d do everything differently.

I will see a counsellor, DP said he would pay though that in itself makes me feel anxious because he’s paying when he doesn’t know the root issue of why I have such fluctuating wild moods and random tears all the time.

I must tell him though as all this has caused such issues. I’ve convinced myself that the relationship is doomed because the truth would be like a grenade, and as he wouldn’t love the ‘real’ me I need to end it/I pick at him for small things because in some ways I just want to run away and start again, although I don’t, I love him.

It also makes me feel so sick how many people would hear a story like mine which is ambiguous and think I’m making myself into a victim, I really have internalised this. I imagine confronting the man in question and he being baffled at my accusation, and I hate that he might genuinely have believed I wanted to have sex, how could he have known I was disassociating/feeling sick? I spent so many years as this passive person that I just let this happen, so maybe it was consensual even though unwanted? Sorry I know this is a total ramble but nowhere else to vent at the moment.

Bad stuff happens to most
The therapy will help you recognise your feelings of shame and you over come them.
Mine talked about stuff I had long since buried.
She simply said I'm sorry you went through that.
But it made me realise it was a bad thing and there was no need to feel ashamed about it.

So I will say :
I am sorry you went through that.

With time and therapy your pain will lift and your life will heal.

and think I’m making myself into a victim
Oh OP - you ARE a victim.
You've been through hell.
Please please contact Rape Crisis.
You've never confronted this and never come to terms with it.
You've buried your head.
This causes PTSD.
Please also see your GP.
You will need some specialist help for PTSD.
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!!!
Please believe us.
Contact organisations that can help you deal with this.
Then when you are ready you can discuss this with your DP.
But first you need to come to terms with it.
I can't imagine what you've been through OP but reach out and get the help and support you so rightly deserve!!
You ARE worthy!

The perpetrators made you a victim - you didn't do it to yourself. It is not dishonest not to tell your DP everything that you say to the counsellor in fact it would be an extremely poor idea. You DESERVE some help

You poor thing, OP. I've been in your shoes and I know what a lonely place it is to be . What happened was categorically not your fault and you need help to overcome the feelings of shame and guilt that you carry.

This doesn't make you weak, or any less than anybody relay- you've suffered a huge trauma that you need help to process. In the first instance, I would look on NAPAC's website, as they provide listings of local services that may be able to help you. If not, perhaps go through your GP or try and find a therapist who specialises in sexual trauma/PTSD.

Tears and strong emotions, possibly even flashbacks during sex and at other times are totally normal for someone who has been through rape and sexual assault, so please don't beat yourself up about this.

Disassociation is a very common response to this type of trauma- it's the way we get through an ordeal and safeguard ourselves. Being passive and 'freezing' is part of trying to keep yourself safe in that moment.

I'm not a therapist, but I have had a lot of therapy and continue to work on myself. I really hope you can take the brave step of seeking help and show yourself the love and compassion that, believe me, you do deserve.

OP I’ve been where you are. I was raped by a family member (not close). I was ridiculously drunk when it happened. I did not consent but for years afterwards I felt shame, disgust and a deep sense of blame. I felt guilty that I’d allowed this to happen. I felt unable to tell anyone because I didn’t want anyone to know and believe him over me.
Years on (20) I’ve only ever confided in one friend who was brilliant. I’ve had to see the creep recently. I didn’t want to but it was quite empowering watching him squirm. I’ve dealt with it, come to terms with it and now understand I was a vulnerable victim of a predator. He’s an absolute low life who has no power over me any more.
I won’t tell anyone now. Not because I think they won’t believe me, but because I don’t want them to feel hurt for me. The creep lives abroad now anyway and I doubt I’ll ever see him again.
Please talk to someone who can help you with this. I spoke to the Samaritans and rape crisis when I was at my lowest and they were brilliant

OP I've had a very similar experience to yours. I had a horrid few years as a teenager with similar incidents to what you have described. I didn't think about it for years afterwards until one day i had a panic attack totally out the blue and that was the start of a long journey. I'm afraid it wasn't an easy process but it was essential. I had very similar feeling toward my DP, shame, guilt, anxiety. I was suffering from severe panic attacks with constant ruminating thoughts and catastrophising. I had counselling and had to go on antidepressants for a couple of years. It is a form of PTSD and I found that a combination of CBT, EMDR and hypnotherapy helped but it does take time.
It's entirely up to you if you want to tell your DP but it's important for you to realise that you don't need him to absolve you of your 'perceived sins'.
To give you hope from the other side of a long journey i have now been off antidepressants for several years, have 2 DC and like to think because of the journey I have been on I am a caring, empathetic and non judgemental person.
PM if you want to talk anything through. You will be okay!

You need to focus less on what you percieve this second mans reaction could be, or what other people might think, you need to be a lot kinder to yourself, you know you are having problems processing this, its not going to go away, and you need to get help, you need to contact the specialist servivces who will help you, go on google the number now and call them today, you deaserve to get on with understanding that you cannot change what happened only how you react to it, please please get yourself on the list for counceling, and if you can pay for private therapy sooner do so, i promise this will get better if you give yourself a break.

As for your partner , say he said to you one day, i got greally drunk after i met you and had sex with someone at a party, would you throw out the whole relationship, im sure you wouldn't , what if he said he was raped by an ex or a friend, and had just disassociated from the situation would you feel it was the end of your relationship,because he wasnt physically able to fight them off at the time, while you cant control what your partner will say do, you have to have faith he wants whats best for you, he wants you to get some help, he wants you to be happy , and he deserves the best you. So get help and tell him as little or as much as you can, you dont have to tell him everything its not a secret if you'd rather not tell him details of an event you know will hurt him too, accept that sometimes we keep stuff to ourselves so as not to hurt others, but i think when you have had help you will be better placed to explain it to him there is just too much inner termoil at the moment. So just park the issue of telling your partner its something you can cover in therapy when you are stronger.

Hi OP

Just want to add to what everyone else is saying. None of this is your fault. I, too, have been raped twice and while it was going on I didn't fight back either, I just passively took it. This isn't because I wanted to to happen, partly I was in shock and partly I just wanted it over with...rightly or wrongly I thought if I fought back it would just make the whole thing go on longer.

Please phone rape crisis and talk to them. And I'm sure your DP loves you and won't reject you if you tell him what happened.

@britishbluebelle been thinking about you since your post. Hope you are doing okay.