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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you've ever forgiven him...

31 replies

sirmione16 · 02/10/2019 19:04

For cheating or something that would seriously ruin a relationship, how long was it before you fully accepted and forgave?

I've decided to stay with someone who has done something wrong in the relationship. I'm content with my decision but it's still niggling at me. It only all came out 2.5 months ago so still fresh, how long before this feeling should go away? But if it doesn't, at what point in time do I accept it won't and end things?

OP posts:
Thegullfromhull · 02/10/2019 19:07

Not sure you can.
It brews up until a big black lump of resentment is in your belly, or until something better comes along for you . Sorry.

Thegullfromhull · 02/10/2019 19:09

Also. Acceptance and forgiveness are two different things.

Original poster
sirmione16 · 02/10/2019 19:11

I'm worried for these responses. Because before it all happened, I would've said the same and yet here I am staying. Partly because we have a new baby, partly because I believe we can move on. I just don't know how long is reasonable to say "I gave it a shot but this feeling isn't going" you know? Because after a month it's too early, but how long is not too early

OP posts:
Original poster
sirmione16 · 02/10/2019 19:12

acceptance and forgiveness are two different things

This is so true and powerful. But I need to be able to forgive for me even if I end up leaving because of the baby

OP posts:
Thegullfromhull · 02/10/2019 19:13

Do you?
Sometimes it’s ok not to forgive -
Like a protection mechanism.
It’s ok to say. In the end I couldn’t forgive that one thing. But I learned from the experience.

B00kworm86 · 02/10/2019 19:15

My ExH has an affair. I left him because I just knew there was no way on earth I could even begin to forgive him. That's just me as a person, but others may be different.

B00kworm86 · 02/10/2019 19:15

I obviously meant "had" not has!

Thegullfromhull · 02/10/2019 19:16

And seriously, I promise you.
You’ll be fine on your own. What you’re doing now is quite simply , betraying yourself and what you stand for. Living a lie. And nobody is expected to do that... baby or no baby.

Luckybe40 · 02/10/2019 19:17

I think it totally depends what it was, if it was infidelity it’s extremely hard to recover from...everybody is different, and every relationship is different. Only you can really answer this one. What does your deep subconscious think? If you ask yourself and be still and quiet and erase all external noise and thoughts...you’ll find your answer.

Thegullfromhull · 02/10/2019 19:22

This is true.
And whether the choice is yours to make.
For example... in the case of a man who was violent or abusive, you simply have no choice but to do everything within your power to leave.. it’s imperative for the safety and security of your child. The same really with addiction and substance abuse. Gambling too I guess.
Then infidelity... well... if it’s a shag and it puts yours/ your babies health at risk. Same. No choice but to get rid of a man like that.
And then everything else you judge on how it’s affected your ability to live a fulfilling life, your ability to be a great mother who isn’t distracted with bullshit that’s avoidable.
It’s tough x

DBML · 02/10/2019 19:39

I know someone who still has wobbles decades!! after her boyfriend just kissed another girl whilst they were on a break.
Some people can move on, others can’t. Who knows how long it might take you, or if you can ever recover from it. Perhaps don’t pressure yourself either way and know you can decide to leave at any time.

lifegoes · 02/10/2019 19:52

I think the issue here is more about could you ever trust him again. If he's cheated that is.

Because it's hard to trust again and what life are you going to have?! When he's been "forgiven" will you be ok when he goes out. When he's on his phone. Is he really sorry. Will he do it again etc.

You will be fine on your own in any case. It doesn't always feel like it. But everyone I know who has left a relationship for very valid reasons have gone on to have a wonderful life

squishee · 02/10/2019 19:58

What lifegoes said.

Wannabegreenfingers · 02/10/2019 19:59

Without going into detail it took 3 years for us, but it absolutely is possible to forgive and move on and come out stronger and happier. Be prepared for lots of talking, tears, tantrums, arguments, but also there are lovely days and times. It isn't 3 years of crap.....

I hope you get the outcome you want x

Original poster
sirmione16 · 02/10/2019 19:59

Thank you all. I know practically I could do it on my own and I'm strong minded enough to do it. For some clarity and maybe help deciding...

He was messaging another woman and went for drink with her and I found out 5 weeks before the wedding. I cancelled the wedding. There was no relationship between them, just heavy flirting. And the minute it all came out contact has been cut completely and they're not in each others social circles or work or anything.

Were attending counselling which I do feel better immediately after but we stopped for a few weeks and all the dissapointment in him has resurfaced.

Our relationship on the surface and day to day is great, and I do love him. I don't feel I'd find someone as good any time soon.

I'm just struggling with the fact I'm staying with someone who did that to me when I had a newborn and caused me to postpone/cancel a wedding. Just seems huge. But also what happened between them wasnt huge so I should focus on the more important things in life. If that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
sirmione16 · 02/10/2019 20:01

@wannabegreenfingers
Thank you for being open about this as many don't like to admit on these forums they stayed as its seen as a sign of weakness. Which it absolutely is not.

OP posts:
doublebarrellednurse · 02/10/2019 20:04

I forgave an affair. It's taken the best part of 2 years and a lot of work from him for me to be truly able to trust 99% of the time and not drive myself crazy with anxiety anymore.

He has done the bulk of the work
We had therapy together and apart
We worked together at home on it a lot

It's a process and about 2 years is average I'm told. There are loads of resources out there. PM if you need to talk privately.

lifegoes · 02/10/2019 20:06

Quick question @sirmione16 would it have gone any further if it hadn't come out and how did it come out?

I'm asking this because I know a guy who would often sext other women, never actually did anything with them. He got caught and promised it wouldn't happen again. He then went on to cheat after he got things sorted.
I'm not saying this will happen to you. But the reason the woman took him back was because she thought nothing had actually happened and that it had ended. She too had a small baby, was pregnant at the time he was sexting. They wanted to try for their child's sake.

What wasn't resolved was why he went there in the first place, and because of that suddenly he craved the "fix" again.

Thegullfromhull · 02/10/2019 20:07

Oh no that IS huge.
He’s pretty low down on the ‘good men’ scale unfortunately...
I think you’d find someone with much higher standards and self control practically anywhere.
Try your local pub or even Morrison’s.
Most average people would find this unforgivable. It’s not the crime so much as the timing . Don’t waste your life.

doublebarrellednurse · 02/10/2019 20:08

Before this happened (and probably this relationship) I would have walked away. I still feel ashamed and shamed by people who seem to think I have no self respect for fighting through this. I used to post under a different username and posted an AMA in the AMA forum about staying after an affair and it was pretty vile at points but I expected that.

doublebarrellednurse · 02/10/2019 20:11

It's simply not true that "most people would move on in these circumstances"

Anonymous surveys done of people who have had or been the betrayed spouse of an affair have been done and consistently 2/3 - 3/4 of people stay together.

No one talks About it though. Mostly because they just get told to have some self respect and walk away when they do regardless of anything.

Span1elsRock · 02/10/2019 20:14

Our relationship on the surface and day to day is great, and I do love him. I don't feel I'd find someone as good any time soon.

You need to raise your bar, love, Seriously. A man who is cheating on someone so close to a wedding and with a newborn baby is as far from good as it gets. He must be pissing himself with relief he got away with it.

HoneyandSpice · 02/10/2019 20:18

No, no, and no.
Sorry, OP but surely you know the answer to this.

doublebarrellednurse · 02/10/2019 20:27

I'm gonna design a bingo card for these threads they consistently unhelpful and predictable.

Livelovelearn1 · 02/10/2019 20:33

I agree with some of the comments, that friendship was gearing up for something else and the fact its come out 'on time' would make me wonder whether he'll buy his time and be smarter next. Also, nothing happened, yes, but it happened at a time (preparing for a wedding and baby) when his attention should have been on you more than at any other time. I would want to find out what it is that he was seeking and what it is that he is lacking before i could move on. I wouldnt be able to move forward without knowing. And even knowing... i dont know if trust would ever come back 100%. Its a tough one... the biggest issue i see is if he did that at such a high time in your relationship.... what is gonna stop him after a few years of mundane routine ? Sorry this is happening to you love. On the other hand, you dont need to rush to a decision as long as u keep a cool head and dont let urself be fooled.

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