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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Things have got really bad tonight

42 replies

Redfronts · 02/10/2019 18:48

We made an agreement two weeks ago to stop arguing in front of kids, and to treat each other with more respect. I’ve been sticking to my end of the bargain, I’ve had to constantly remind him.
Today, I lost an ear bud in his headphones. He went absolutely ballistic calling me useless, not capable and even when I asked him to stop he would not. All in front of our daughter.
To not fuel the argument, I sent him a message saying because he has not kept to the agreement I have had enough, only speak to me via what’s app and I would not be leaving the house (he owns the house, we have three kids together and I have paid various bills extra and improvements on the home) He has read the message and told me I will not threaten him in his own home and that he will open up the door and throw me out. Considering we have a disabled child that he can’t look after for more than an hour without not coping... would he be allowed to do this? If I rang the police would they say I have to stay? The house is not in my name

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2019 18:51

If it's his house and you're not married, you have no rights to stay if he demands you leave. I would take the children and get out as soon as possible. Do you have family you could stay with temporarily?

GreenItWas · 02/10/2019 18:53

Leave. Can you go to family?

Quartz2208 · 02/10/2019 18:53

Are you married?

SparklyMagpie · 02/10/2019 18:57

I'd look into staying with family or friends. If you aren't married you won't have any rights on the house

Original poster
Redfronts · 02/10/2019 18:58

We are not married. I’m not going to take my kids out of the home and I doubt he will forcefully remove me. However, I know he is trying to put me back in my place and scare me. I will not be intimidated by him

OP posts:
Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 19:00

If you want to split up, then you will need to leave the property.

What's the plan? To live together permanently?

It would be better for you and the kids to start making plans to move out

I am sorry. I know its shit. But you dont have any rights to stay.

hardyloveit · 02/10/2019 19:00

If you aren't married and your name isn't on the house, then you have no rights to it at all. The kids can stay their with him if you couldn't find anywhere to stay.
Have you contributed to the mortgage at all? How long have you been together and are all the kids both of yours?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2019 19:01

This relationship is well and truly over now.

I was also going to ask if you are married also.

If you are unmarried and this property is his he is within his rights to ask you to leave. You can also say goodbye to any money you have sunk into the property because you will not likely get this back either.

SherbetSaucer · 02/10/2019 19:01

You have absolutely no rights to demand to stay in the house. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve paid in bills etc.

I don’t know why so many women put themselves and their children in these vulnerable situations! FFS!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2019 19:03

Sadly he is within his rights here to ask you all to leave.

Original poster
Redfronts · 02/10/2019 19:05

Thanks all for this info. I’m in the sh1t basically

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 02/10/2019 19:08

Yes you are. Mind you it will probably be best for the kids if you separate.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2019 19:09

He is responsible for his children financially but he is under no obligation financially to you.

Do you have receipts/paperwork in your name re the money you have paid into his property?. Even with this, it may be very difficult for you to receive any money.

Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 19:09

OP you were told all this at the beginning of this year. On here. You know this. It's not going to change.

Yes, unfortunately, you are in the shit. So instead of just accepting it, start making plans to get out of the shit.

Fairylea · 02/10/2019 19:12

If you are not married and he owns the house you won’t get anything except maintenance. Long term you have to leave and take the kids with you, ring council housing department tomorrow if you can’t afford to rent privately and they should be able to advise you.

NabooThatsWho · 02/10/2019 19:13

Do you have anywhere you can go? Have you worked out what benefits/maintenance you are entitled to?

SherbetSaucer · 02/10/2019 19:15

I’m in the sh1t basically

Yes you are! These are the consequences of a relationship breakdown when you’ve produced children without adequately safeguarding your futures!!

standupandsmilenow · 02/10/2019 19:15

He message states that he will be physically violent to you.

That's all you need to text him back.
If you are unable to continue to live there you need to contact women's aid and keep copies of the abuse.

30somethingandtired · 02/10/2019 19:24

Sounds like emotional abuse. Please contact woman's aid for advice about the housing situation.

You don't have to put up with his behaviour, and neither do your children.

jennymanara · 02/10/2019 19:44

Do not leave with your kids, you would be making yourself intentionally homeless. If you are scared of him, ring Women's Aid or the police.

DonKeyshot · 02/10/2019 19:50

It's not true to say that you have no rights as I can think of two remedies open to you, one of which is to register a beneficial interest in his/the property and the other is to apply to the courts to remain in 'the family home' until your youngest child is 18.

However, pursuing these remedies in law could prove expensive and you are best advised to seek advice from a solicitor who has extensive experience in the legal rights of cohabitees.

With regard to the police, it could be a matter of who turns up on the day. If you've been subjected to violence, or threats of violence, one officer might remove him from the property but another might choose to remove you and your dc to a place of safety.

SherbetSaucer · 02/10/2019 19:53

It's not true to say that you have no rights as I can think of two remedies open to you, one of which is to register a beneficial interest in his/the property and the other is to apply to the courts to remain in 'the family home' until your youngest child is 18

She could do these things, IF, she was married to him. She is not!!

CTRL · 02/10/2019 19:58

From what I know, if you call the police they may ask him to leave temporarily to avoid escalating the situation and that you are more vulnerable with the kids.

The bigger point however is that it is his home so regardless of the situation; it’s his and he has rights to be there and you don’t. And with no marriage you definitely don’t have a leg to stand on.

I think you need to look at finding a place for yourself and the children. I’m not sure how long this behaviour has been going on but I think it’s clear you’ve had enough.

Good luck OP

Quartz2208 · 02/10/2019 20:07

get legal advice - if you have paid for improvements you may have a benefical trust

www.teeslaw.com/insights/the-legal-rights-of-unmarried-couples-living-toget/

DonKeyshot · 02/10/2019 20:12

If you read my post in its entirety, SherbetSaucer, you will see that I'm well aware that the OP is not married but, nevertheless, these two remedies are open to her albeit, as I have said, either one may prove expensive to pursue.

Marriage would automatically convey a beneficial interest in the marital home and, on separation/divorce, either the couple or the courts would decide who remained in the marital home or its disposal regardless of whether there were children involved.

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