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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know where to go from here.

34 replies

JammyGem · 02/10/2019 11:05

I can't stand DH anymore. We just argue and bicker constantly, and neither of us even likes the other.

I want to leave. I want to find happiness for me and DD on our own. But DH is the highest earner. I'll never be able to afford nursery, bills and rent on my own. Is there any kind of financial help that someone can get to help them start on their own? Any special schemes?

I can't be around him anymore. I feel like shit constantly and my mental health is in tatters. But I can't see a way out. If I didn't have DD I'd just take the easy route and kill myself till escape, but I can't do that to her.

Please help.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/10/2019 11:27

Of course there is support out there.
Do you own your home together?
Is there equity?
Contact Citizens Advice.
Have a look at the 'entitled to' website.
Do you know what your DH earns?
If so then go to THIS SITE and see what your DH would need to pay to support his DC.
You may be entitled to housing benefit, universal credit, child support.
Do some homework!
How old is DD?
Is she entitled to free nursery hours yet?
Do you work full time?
My friend has found that going to part time means she is almost better off doing that and universal credits than working full time!

treacletree · 02/10/2019 11:31

I understand. I’m in a similar situation wanting to leave with my dd.
Please do not sit alone with the suicidal thoughts. There is help out there and it’s gonna be ok. Talk to someone- call Samaritans if you need an impartial ear. It’s helped me before. There is a good life for you guys out there.
Check the entitledto website for financial help. Is there a family member you can stay with ?

Original poster
JammyGem · 02/10/2019 11:33

We rent, and looking at smaller places in the area, I'd never be able to afford them on my own. I might just be able to afford a studio flat for me and DD.
Shes only 10 months, so we're not entitled to any hours of free childcare yet.
I work 4 days a week. Look after DD on my own at weekends while DH works. His 2 days off mean we only have to sort nursery 3 days a week and have 1 day as our "family day", but that usually involves me hiding and crying in the bedroom after yet another row...

He earns about £24k, much more than me. Thank you, I'll have a look at that website Smile

OP posts:
something2say · 02/10/2019 11:34

For right now, save. Return things for cash, siphon away what is yours.
Make a list of what you need to do and start working thro it.
Grey rock at home when he's there, long baths, early nights with book.
Take your daughter out on weekend days.

Plenty of women leave and go through what you're going through. But you will need some cash, so get cracking on that xxx

Its going to be ok I promise xx and you'll be free soon!!!

Ohnoherewego62 · 02/10/2019 11:35

First off, a happy mum is the most important thing as babies feed off us!

You need to do what's right for you and little one.

Have you got a citizens advice place near you? Theres a website called entitled to and it can help you calculate what you're able to claim if anything.

Also get yourself the Gp and don't let those feelings fester any longer.

Have you got much real life support?

0lga · 02/10/2019 11:36

Remember you will only have to pay for nursery 1.5 days a week as your child’s father will have her for the other days. Then it will be his job to pay for childcare.

something2say · 02/10/2019 11:36

You'll need a housing benefit application then and a landlord who will accept it. Go to housing at the council and get their help. Register with estate agents and prepare the docs you'll need.

I reckon you may have to give up work and then start again when she starts nursery. UC and hsg ben will see you thro xx

Original poster
JammyGem · 02/10/2019 11:48

My family are at the other end of the country. Thing is, if I move to be earer them I'll be giving up my job, and it's so expensive where they are that I'll be living with my parents indefinitely, as no way ill be able to afford a place on my own, unless I start earning double what I do now. I also don't want to take DD away from her dad.

I can't really save up any money for leaving. Every penny I have goes on paying off debt and paying the bills. I don't eat breakfast or lunch as I can't afford to eat more than 1 meal a day. Don't worry though, DD gets everything she needs!

OP posts:
Rachelover60 · 02/10/2019 11:49

Will he still look after your daughter two days a week if you leave?

Original poster
JammyGem · 02/10/2019 11:51

I'll go to the CAB tomorrow on my lunch break - do you have to make an appointment or can you walk in?
Can DH refuse to pay maintenance? I don't think he would, but he can be so nasty that I wouldn't put anything past him.

Sorry, so many questions. I just feel so fragile and hollow right now. I don't want DD to hate me when she grows up for ruining her life.
Maybe I should play the long game and just keep in there until H has an affair or leaves, at least that way I won't be the bad guy.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/10/2019 11:51

Check the benefits calculator
Check how much child maint you would get from your dh
Would he still look after your dc if you split to allow you to work?
Lots of options OP, don't give up just yet

Original poster
JammyGem · 02/10/2019 11:52

I don't know if he would still look after her. He would for 1 day a week I'm sure. If we could work it so that's the day I'm at work then we wouldn't need to pay for an extra day at nursery at least.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/10/2019 11:53

You can go through the cms to claim child benefit which can come out directly from his wage so you can't 'not' get it

WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/10/2019 11:54

You can also claim up to 70% of childcare costs back so extra childcare might be affordable

00Sassy · 02/10/2019 11:54

Are the debts in your name? Give StepChange a call if they are Flowers

Original poster
JammyGem · 02/10/2019 11:56

I would get just over £50 a week child maintenance, and about £480 in universal crediy. That's a lot more than I was expecting. That would make a real difference, and would mean I'd definitely be able to afford a place on my own for me and DD.

Can you start a claim before you've actually separated though?

OP posts:
Original poster
JammyGem · 02/10/2019 11:58

Thank you everyone, by the way. You've given me a spark of hope Smile

OP posts:
something2say · 02/10/2019 11:59

You need to ring and ask...

Any chance your family would pay off some of the debt???

something2say · 02/10/2019 12:01

There is hope. You're not alone xxx in six months when it's all over, you're going to be SO much happier xxx

Can you really try to get out of rooms that he walks into?

Any precious belongings you need to get out of the house to safety?

hellsbellsmelons · 02/10/2019 12:04

Who's debts are they?
Did you build them up together?
Does your DP only eat 1 meal a day?
Does he only drink water?
Does he live a clean life? No drinking, no drugs, no going out???

Original poster
JammyGem · 02/10/2019 12:10

To be fair, they're mostly my debts that I built up from paying for DD's clothes, toys, equipment etc.
He works with food so can eat at work. On his days off he often goes out for lunch - and I can't fault him, he does sometimes offer to buy me lunch too.
He drinks a couple bottles of cider a week, so not much. He does smoke cigarettes and weed though. I used to too, before we had DD. Now I just have the odd crafty fag a couple times a week at the end of a particularly stressful day, so I'm not exactly innocent either.
The only precious belongings I have really are photos, and I have them saved on google drive anyway.

OP posts:
Cherrypicker01 · 02/10/2019 12:27

With UC you can apply for an ‘advance’ I think it’s a month before you are due your first payment which helps!

You can afford it OP, it might be different and scary to what you are used to but your child won’t go without.

DP will have to help out with childcare costs won’t he!

0lga · 02/10/2019 12:29

Paying for things for your DD is the responsibility of you BOTH. They are not YOUR debts alone.

00Sassy · 02/10/2019 12:38

But if the debts are in your name alone then it will be up to you to sort them at some point. As long as you can keep up with the repayments in the short term then focus on getting a place with your DD and leaving.

If the debts become too much to cope with at any point, contact someone like StepChange who should be able to help you.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 02/10/2019 13:26

Child benefit
Child tax credit
Working tax credit amount depends on hours full time/ part time
If working part time help toward your rent from your local council.
Child maintenance depends on fathers salary and how many children he has
The biggest worry would be childcare costs as depending on the area you live some places really are expensive
See citizen advice they will be able to inform you of any local organisations that help with starting off