Love triangle- please help me

[YankeeSocks]

How do you choose between two people?

Just that really. I feel so selfish for being in this situation.

I am aware I will be judged for this and I accept that

I don't know what to do...

Are you the poster whose dad is on the verge if falling our with them because they are messing 2 men around? One being a family friend?

Well you haven't given much info so its hard to give an informed response, but I guess if you cant choose then neither of them are really right for you

You don’t. If neither of them in compelling enough to choose without all this angst then neither is for you.

It really depends...
Are kids involved?
Are you married?
How long have you been with each of them?
What are each of their positives?
What are each of their negatives?
If you are single and dating then you go for the one who is the kindest, more considerate, funny, loving, etc.....

@Tilltheendoftheline no.

@hellsbellsmelons

X2 kids on his side. None on mine.
I'm not married, he is going through divorce.

Been with DP 11 years. Met OM a year ago.

Different positives and negatives, both completely different people.

Not single

I feel so awful and feel as though I may have depression because of this but I feel so selfish for thinking about me.

You're cheating, no wonder you feel guilty. Tell your partner so he can decide whether to leave.

So OM is getting a divorce (are you 100% certain about that or is that what he's telling you?)

Its not really a love triangle as your DP is in the dark with it all. You're simply cheating on him.

Make a choice. Leave him or tell him so he can make that decision to be part of your 'triangle' or leave and find someone else.

Tell your partner. Je can make the decision for you?

End it with them both.

@Otterhound it sounds awful but that's what I am planning on doing..

@olivetreelane yes it's certain as I have seen messages between them.

So you want to take on a very recently separated man with 2 kids!?
Good luck with that.
Do you want your own DC?
Or are you OK just being a stepmum?
Does the OM want more DC if you want them?
Is OM older than you?
Do you love your DP?
What aren't you happy about in your relationship that you are cheating?

I really think you need to let your DP know what is going on.
It's not fair to keep him in the dark.
He needs to know he is with a cheat so he can make a fully informed decision regarding his own future.
He deserves to know the truth about you.

@hellsbellsmelons I get what you are saying but just because some people are separated with DC I don't think that means they are not entitled to find happiness with someone else.

But yes to answer your question. OM has promised DC with me if time came.....

Not happy due to a lot of things, it is more emotional. I have tried explaining to DP but he does not understand me at all. I just feel very lost at the moment. I have tried to make it work. It's easy to judge a situation like this I do get that.

My point is - he is only just separating.
You may well just be a rebound thing.
You may well just be a substitute wife, there to do all the daily crap.
He won't be emotionally ready for a 'relationship' directly after separation.
His head will be all over the place.
He will need some time and space to process what he wants for his future.
With you there just waiting you will never know if you are a choice or if you were just there and ready and waiting.
Give OM some space and time.
Leave your DP. It's really unfair what you are doing to him.
Be single for a while.
Live a little.
Enjoy life.
But please leave men out of it for a while!

If you want to sleep with other men, you shouldn't be with your DH. Leave him.
Then wait to see if OM leaves his wife and then and ONLY THEN date him

You dont have to choose the divorce. He's just going to be a divorced guy starting his new life.

On the other hand, your marriage is in trouble. Decide whether to stay there or not. Maybe tell him the truth and see how the cards fall from there?

But certainly.....take care of yourself right now. Can you get any headspace? Sleep in spare room, go away for weekend?

If he wanted to split, hiw would you feel then?

@something2say thank you for your reply.

I am not married even though been with my partner of 11 years. No kids. I do think maybe this is happening for a reason I don't know... I am so confused. I wish I was brave enough to just make a decision.

I am feeling pretty low in general and in myself. I have no one to speak to, family are very judgemental. OM has been great support but that's how it always is.

If I go away on my own questions will be asked from family as it's not something I usually do, then it will get worse for me at home. I do feel a bit trapped and in a bubble.

I feel stupid for considering counselling for someone I could be sorting myself....

I am really deciding on telling partner over next week and seeing what happens.

Ignore them. If you split they'll know anyway.

Try to sort it so you look back and didnt act too badly.

If it would all work out fine and everybody be ok, what would you like really??

*something I could be sorting myself

@something2say it sounds awful. I would like a new relationship with OM, to see how it goes. I am very cautious as I do not feel I know a lot about him just yet there is more I need to learn about him and I intend to do that. I have not dated a lot of people in my life. I have only been with 2 people and my current partner I have been with for a large proportion of my adult life....

My current partner has the security of a house and mortgage with me but the very few people I have spoken to about this have said it's just a house and mortgage that can be sorted.

I guess I am keeping my options open but I know that's so selfish

No judgement here but if you're unhappy you should leave your DP for your own sakes. Don't leave for someone else who's also going to be going through massive life changes (divorce, managing relationship with kids etc) it will end in tears.

Make yourself happy take some time to be single and make yourself happy. If the OM does really get divorced you can see where things stand in say 6 months.

Give yourself the chance to be happy with your life. It's not worth being miserable and it's not fair on your DP either. He deserves the chance to be free and happy as well

Good luck

@Mintypea5 thank you for your response. I have raised the issue with DP that I would like some time apart, it gets shrugged off and I am then told 'this isn't healthy' for me to be moving out. I also get crocodile tears.

On Monday he told me if I was single I would be so 'bored' on my own apparently, whatever that means. I feel he just tries to manipulate me and he acts like he knows me so well.

I know I sound really young and immature but I have never been in this position before

OM is early forties and I am 26.... I thought I'd just drop that and see what anyone had to say. I know it's a large age gap. I have spoken to OM and he is adamant we would be ok, it doesn't bother him.

@YankeeSocks your DH is emotionally blackmailing you there. He doesn't sound very nice honestly.

My ex had me convinced if I left I'd be boring and on my own. No one would want to be friends with me and I'd just be sad alone. Totally not the case. I was a bit younger than you but made the decision to leave and it was ok!

I just think that it sounds like you need some time alone to be you. Let OM sort out his life. If he does get divorced and you still want each other great start a fresh but the amount of pain and suffering on both sides by starting a relationship from an affair isn't worth it and honestly you sound quite unhappy and the reaction you'll receive from family/ friends and people will make you feel worse.

I'd also just be honest and tell you DP. Might means he stops all this horrible emotional blackmail and emotional abuse tactics.

@Mintypea5 thank you

There are a lot of other examples, those are just a few to name. He just says he 'knows me so well' more than I know. I spent the night away from him a few months back. I had phone call after phone call and text after text from him. I couldn't have that break from him that I needed. He was in tears on the phone but as soon as I was back the text day he is fine. It all sounds very unhealthy I know.

I think I will be coming clean very soon to DP. I am so nervous to do so but I know I need to.