Love triangle- please help me

[YankeeSocks]

How do you choose between two people?

Just that really. I feel so selfish for being in this situation.

I am aware I will be judged for this and I accept that

I don't know what to do...

Leave because you no longer love your dh.

Be single.
Find out what YOU want.
How YOU work best.

Then see how it goes.

Chances are when you feel confident about who you are and what you want the om may loose his appeal.

For someone you don't know that well and under these circumstances the gap is certainly something to think about very carefully.

I think you are getting a very gentle ride here, OP. If it turns out your fancy piece isn't separated or his wife wants him back I wonder if the posters would be so kind if he is their husband or your partner their brother.

You are so young, you have all the time in the world to meet someone lovely and have children if that's what you want. Neither of these men are good for you. Your DP sounds controlling and patronising, and the OM is cheating on his wife while promising you a happy ever after. He promised his wife that too remember.

I think you need to end it with both men and have some time to be single and work on yourself. If you've been with your partner 11 years you've never had any life of your own as an independent adult. Seize it with both hands.

Thanks for all your comments.

@SunshineCake they are separating at the moment and he is currently looking for somehere to live. I've seen evidence. I don't know how much more real you can get from that.

I know it's not a nice situation.

'I feel stupid for considering counselling for something I could be sorting myself....'

But you're struggling to sort it yourself (which is ok- get help if you need it.)

As I see it you have 2 things you need to do.

1)Your partner is an arsehole, leave, find somewhere else to live.

2)Don't rush into anything else. You and the OM will both be getting over your previous relationships. You could date- there's no hurry.

'OM is early forties and I am 26.... I thought I'd just drop that and see what anyone had to say. I know it's a large age gap. I have spoken to OM and he is adamant we would be ok, it doesn't bother him.'

Of course it doesn't bother him lol! That age gap is an ego boost for him, and a way of feeling his youth is not in the past. I was in a relationship for many years with that sort of age gap (I was 26 when my then OH was 40.)

If you were to be with him, or worse still move in with him (It's a trap! Don't do it, at least not yet.) you would soon notice the significance of the age gap, because the glamour of the unattainable would no longer be there.

You might notice things like other people your age are still going out and having a laugh etc, whereas if he goes out clubbing, he looks really lame unfortunately. You might realize you don't find this middle aged man as attractive anymore. You could find he pressures you sexually, because part of what he wanted from you is the sexual excitement he wasn't getting at home. He will probably want some things that are more sedate than you would like them, such as a nice view rather than a city break (these are just a few possible examples and yours might be completely different.)

Also, you will be watching someone die- they will grow old, become even more unattractive, get ill and die before you. You don't have to have that, you can find someone your own age and grow old together rather than be a fairly young widow. When I was 20, I was really into a guy I got off with who was 18 years older than me. He wasn't as keen as me. He said to me 'do you want to watch someone lose their looks, get old, die?' or something like that. Of course it happens to us all, but some of us are further along the journey than others. I found out a couple of years ago he died of a stroke at about 56. I would've been left a widow at 38. Something to think about xx

Thank you so much @Interestedwoman for your response, it is really insightful but I admit its made me feel worse it's a shame I still want to be with a man who is 'dying' and 'aging' ....

Don’t romanticise and fluff up your situation. You’re a cheat.

End it with both of them

@YankeeSocks -sorry to put it that way lol :) xx But you see what I mean- it's something to bear in mind as one of the pros vs. cons of this particular guy. There are loads of people around you can choose from- especially at your age, when you can virtually take your pick. There's no hurry, and you can even consider other people, dating etc when you're in your own place and feel ready.

Thanks @Interestedwoman x

You don't need Dp's approval to leave.
You don't need another man to go to either.

Just leave because you are unhappy.
You've been with your DP since you were a teenager.

Take some time for yourself to explore life for yourself. Like others said, there are plenty of guys out there.

The old guy will be just as much a trap as your current DP, but probably worse. You'll have to deal with his kids and his stbxw

Instead of choosing a guy, choose yourself this time.