Transference

[AutumnalMorning]

Please be gentle, this is coming from a place of trauma and realisation and nothing more.

I no longer have contact with my mother after she was emotionally and verbally abusive from an early age. I cut contact in my late 30s. The abuse continued until then - although I didn't realise until I'd gone NC with her just how badly it had damaged me and how much her abuse had become an inner voice that I simply never questioned etc. My dad was physically abusive. He was still hitting me when I left home at 18. I've never had any support, nurturing, parenting. I have no other family. This is just to give some sort of context.

I'm now mid 40s and it's been a dawning realisation over the past few years that I haven't ever been loved by anyone.

My relationships have been largely short lived and abusive, at worst, or just not fulfilling and "he's just not that into you", at best; filled with sadness and loneliness and a desperation to be loved coupled with the heartbreaking weight of the knowledge that I wasn't. I just accepted that I'd never be loved and just made the best of the fact I, at least, had company.

I have realised over the past couple of years that I struggle with aspects of emotional regulation. I 'fall in love' easily and quickly but fall out of love just as quickly. But I'm also starting to understand that what I'm really experiencing is best described/understood as a type of 'transference' and not love at all.

Because I have an absence of love in my life; I've never been 'cherished'; I have no one who makes me feel cared about, I become ridiculously emotionally attached to anyone who shows me any kindness but, equally, remain emotionally distant at the same time so I'm not really able to have proper, functioning relationships.

I've realised that I interpret this intense emotional attachment as having fallen in love with them. But it isn't. I can see that. But this has been a very recent realisation - over this summer really.

I realised it because I have recently developed feelings for a married male friend. I'm friends with both he and his wife equally. I've known them for a around a year and a half but only really became friends with them this summer. They are so kind and have been good friends to me over the summer - so much so that they make me feel cared about. He asks me to message to let them known I'm home safely; he's offered me a bed for the night if I ever need/want it; he checks I'm ok; he seeks me out when we're in a group because he enjoys my company; he's just generally attentive and I guess he just makes me feel like i matter. I know it's nothing more than just friendliness - he's like it with everyone he cares about and his wife has told me that he likes me a lot - they are both very kind and emotionally generous people.

I also know that my feelings aren't genuine - I don't want him, I've just been comforted by the kindness and thoughtfulness he's shown me and it's left me with this huge ball of emotions in my heart that I feel almost overwhelmed by.

I don't even know what I want really. Words of wisdom? Advice?

There's no need to warn me off an affair. It isn't like that. I know my feelings aren't genuine; I know he's not 'interested' in me in that way. I'm just struggling a bit with the 'transference' aspect of it; that I only develop these feelings for men who are kind to me because there's just such an absence of kindness and care in my life overall.

I'm just very sad about it today.

It's admirable that you will openly admit all of this. You are laying yourself open and vulnerable in order to relay the problem honestly.

I don't know what will help but I know that if you could get an appointment to speak to a psychiatrist or similar body, they would know what therapy would be most beneficial to help you overcome this.

I'm so sorry you've lived through all of this. I'm sure someone somewhere has loved you, but it's not to be hard to know for sure when you don't really know what love is.

Hopefully someone else will post who has better support than I do.

Thank you for your reply Another.

I've had therapy in the past but find it difficult to open up. I've had my greatest revelations on my own tbh.

I feel that once I understand these things, I can work on recognising and managing those feelings.

OP, you sound very similar to me. I have felt the absence of love from childhood and am very susceptible to falling for anyone who shows kindness or is caring towards me. It has led me into various unsuitable relationships and has made me get very involved very quickly.

I have felt genuine love though and I have experienced a relationship where I felt cherished. I think that was a turning point, even though it ended.

Counselling might help you but also realising how valuable these kinds of friendships are to you is important. The kindness and caring is genuine. Just because it's not romantic doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy the fact that people do value your company and friendship.

The kindness and caring is genuine. Just because it's not romantic doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy the fact that people do value your company and friendship.

Thank you. I do understand this. I think I'm just saddened by my realisation, tbh.

And the sense that I couldn't just 'like' this man who is kind to me without developing these ridiculous feelings that are emotionally/physically painful for me because they all just feel like very intense unrequited love/hearbreak.

I feel stupid because I'd hate anyone to realise and I would feel very disloyal given that they have both been so kind to me.

I've been largely single for the past few years because I'm no longer able to trust my feelings.

I had therapy and the opening up and talking about everything really helped me get it in perspective.
I would give it another go.

Thank you Fatshedra. I feel like I have perspective though. Whenever ove had counselling or therapy they've told me I have excellent insight. I'm just not able to change it. I understand the the issue is and where it's come from but therapy seems to be about you finding your own solution and I'm not able to find one.

Perhaps CBT rather than traditional counselling would help you address the problem. I would like CBT myself but have been struggling to access it. That's another story.

Thanks. I've been told that cbt isn't suitable and that I would need something longer term and more in depth.

The thing is, I know that these feelings aren't genuine.

I feel like I'm in love with this man. I have all the feelings - I look forward to seeing him; my heart skips a beat when I see him; I attribute meaning to every word/look 🙄 but I know it's ridiculous and I know it's not real.

I can deal with them. It just makes me sad.

AutumnalMorning you do sound very insightful.

I think one of the aspects of being unloved is that your level of self-protection is set to maximum, so it’s normal for you to say that help isn’t needed, because that would be to display vulnerability.

I think the pp’s saying get more counselling have a point, but the problem for you would be finding the incredibly rare therapist who could give you what you need. You’ve got awareness, insight and a belief that you have to cope alone.

The friendship and love you’re being shown is overshadowed by the feeling that you’re not really entitled to it, you’ve given the explanation about him being like it to lots of people, not just you. His wife obviously likes you. There’s the danger of rejection in every relationship, we’re all open to be hurt if we form bonds.

I think one thing you might think about is all the small daily relationships we make that are important. General smiling, making small talk, little kindnesses can all bring a warmth. There are so many lonely people in the world.

I’m sorry you didn’t get the love you needed when you were a child, you were denied something you should have had. It wasn’t your fault, you deserved better. 💐

Thank you Herocomplex I think you've probably hit the nail on the head to an extent.

I have always been on my own really so I've always found ways of dealing with things on my own. I've never found counselling or therapy particularly helpful - I've been able to tell them what my issues are and where they've come from on the whole and no one has ever helped me to draw conclusions better than I've been able to find them myself. I very much feel that what I need to do is find ways of managing my feelings rather than change them.

I have joined an online support group where I feel better able to be vulnerable because it's largely anonymous. That's been helpful.

I don't seem to have too many problems making friends but I do struggle keeping them and I'm not sure why. I think that, until quite recently, I haven't met 'my people's. Now I have, I do feel very vulnerable to losing them too but also accepting that, one day, it is likely to come to an end. Its things like, I dont get invited to weddings or birthday celebrations etc because I'm not close enough friends with anyone to warrant it.

As you said, this man's wife likes me; she and I are going away for the weekend together soon. But I do overthink and over analyse and worry that, if he doesn't come out with us, it's because he doesn't like me anymore. It's at these times I use cbt strategies to talk myself down. For example.

I suppose it's the realisation that this is why I've never had a loving fulfilling relationship, as much as anything, that I find hard.

I’m quite similar in many ways. I found actually doing psychotherapy training helped me enormously. It gave me a way of understanding myself better without feeling like a ‘patient/client’, something that makes me feel incredibly unsafe/vulnerable.
I second-guess everything, look for motives everywhere, always vigilant.
It’s very hard. I think some people find great comfort in faith if it’s an option.

Have you considered EMDR to help deal with the trauma from your childhood? I've just started this (have a similar back story to you) and it is really helping where talking therapy/CBT have failed.

I second what someone said about finding the right therapist. You said you found it hard to open up before. And therein lies the problem. A longish relationship with a therapist would hopefully provide a new template for relationships that would help you find a new way to relate to people.
Look for a therapist specialising in attachment theory or psychodynamic psychotherapy. Counselling face to face is important because it's that intimacy that is what teaches us intimacy! Sounds like because of the way you were parented you don't trust easily (it seems like you do on the surface, at the start of relationships) but this is not the case.
You will find yourself attracted to married men because they are 'safe' and already have been 'proven' to be loved by someone else, therefore 'safe' to trust. Or that what is seems to you currently. You are loveable and capable of loving, it's the coping with trust that is the issue.

Very insightful OP. Have you got any pets? Getting a dog might help - the most loving creatures. Might help you build a stronger foundation on which to grow.

Do you have interests and hobbies?
Finding something which brings you joy can lead to friendships via groups and clubs. I saw a life coach who was a great support and got me into a hobby I love sharing with others, but also spend time doing on my own.

Thanks for the replies. I'll have a look into different types of therapy but, as Hero said, it's the patuent/client aspect; the power dynamic that I'm not comfortable with. Plus whenever someone has reflected 'me' me back to me, I've never really felt they've understood what I was trying to say.

It's not that I'm generally attracted to married men, although I agree, I do feel safe around married men because there's no chance of any misunderstandings and easier to rebuff them if there are! A lot of my male friends/acquaintances are married and I do feel safe around them. It's more the kindness aspect and making me feel 'cared about' I fall for. Although, admittedly, I've never had that from someone single particularly. Certainly not in any long term sense. So when I have dated, that's been something that has been lacking.

I do have pets - not a dog but something I can care for and cuddle!

I do have hobbies too. Quite sociable ones where I come into contact with a fair number of people. I tend to have friends through my hobbies but they often end when the hobby does. I did one for 8 years and had a great social life and a lot of friends when I did it but I'm only in contact with 2 women from that now and I see them a few times a year. Largely because they have partners and families.

Again, that's not so much of an issue - i suspect that's similar for a lot of people. It was more just the realisation the other day that my attractions to men are a bit off kilter that is bothering me.

I suppose it's the realisation that this has been dysfunctional for so long now that I have no idea how to change it or if I even can.

I suppose, in a nutshell, everything else is either ok or manageable. I thought I was just unlucky but I think this is something I'm doing to myself. And I dont really feel worthy of anything more. I'd feel guilty being with someone who was kind and who cared about me because I dont feel like I deserve it. I guess.

Intellectually, I understand that I'm no less deserving than anyone else but emotionally it's a different story.

I have exactly the same problem playing out in my life (except it was my father who was emotionally abusive and unavailable).

I know you've said you had therapy in the past and it didn't work. But I'm not sure how else you'd ever process those early primal wounds of being abandoned by your primary caregiver. That's such an emotional experience and isn't something that will just disappear in time. I'm in therapy now, the idea being that by developing a secure attachment with the therapist, that transference will play out in a "safe" way (and boy is it!) where we can explore it deeply and ultimately resolve it. It's super painful and slow progress but I'm hopeful it will work in the end. I believe any good psychotherapist (especially of the psychodynamic modality) would totally understand everything you say, and use the therapeutic relationship to help you.

It's an awful feeling, so I just want you to know youre not alone in developing these overwhelming displaced feelings (and it felt good for me to read your message to know I'm not alone either - other than swapping the parent, I could have written your message word for word!)

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

I wonder if you appear self-contained?

I would have very little innate sense of how to be more vulnerable and open, it sounds so risky to me. Is that how you feel?

Your story sounds exactly like mine. I have never felt loved and only ended up with men because they showed an interest in me and I felt lucky to have someone. Then they treated me abusively.
Have you done any healing the Wounded Child? I know a lot of MN will think its a bit Woowoo for them, but i think it was Carl Jung who was a pioneer of this therapy.
We are programmed how to think and act from our parents from birth to 7 years old. This programming is in a state of Theta programming So it is difficult to unlearn this programming.

Have you read Eckhart Tolle A New Earth, ceeate a better life. This is a good book on many levels.
Watch YouTube videos by Bruce Lipton.
Most of us as adults are carrying around childhood wounds, but never feeling loved is probably the biggest wound of all and I totally sympathise. I used to tell my Ex H that i felt like a waste of sperm.....and guess what .....my narcissistic ex reflected that back to me in the most abusive of ways.
I hope you can heal those childhood wounds. I am working on mine, no counselling, I can't afford it.Good luck!

@AutumnalMorning
I have just seen your thread and it resonates with me. I have to leave for work but I want to come back and read in detail and reply later.

TrueRefuge your post makes a lot of sense. It also sounds terrifying and exhausting! I realised reading it that I'm slightly fearful of developing such an attachment. And the whole painful experience of processing it all just sounds too much. I dont even know how I'd go about trusting someone in that way. I've had several.of these mini epiphanies over the past few years - every couple of years I seem to get another that gives me a greater insight; allows me to understand myself better; and gives me tools to explain myself but all I really want to do is make it stop. I don't want a relationship really. My experiences have been negative, I'm not filled with hope by reading threads on here - there just seem to be so many awful men about. I've only ever actually enjoyed sex with one man.

So, on that basis, I could happily leave all of that behind (although that's only really something I've realised this evening). I just really want the intense but transient feelings I keep developing for men who are kind to me to stop.

Herocomplex yes, I suppose it is. I think I do appear self contained - I don't think I come across as someone who 'needs' someone. I think i find it very hard to make myself vulnerable too. I don't really know how to do it or what it means which is evidenced by the fact that I'm frequently told I keep people at arm's length or don't let them in when i feel that I've almost laid myself bare to them.

lexiepuppy I haven't read them, no. I was recommended Homecoming and doing 'inner child' type stuff but all I feel when I try and do it is shame and distance.

I don't sleep well either- hence MNing at this time! And I've realised something.

I've spent my life until very recent years thinking that my relationships were unsuccessful because I am fundamentally unloveable or because I'm not slim enough or because I'm not attractive enough; because there is something lacking in me. I think I am beginning to see now that this isn't the case but it is something I'm doing to myself. Although I'm not sure that helps!

So these feelings I've developed for my friend are a safe outlet for these feelings. It allows me to experience feelings of 'love' without ever having to do anything about it and without any risk. Essentially, what I'm stuck with are those intense unrequited feelings you have as a teenager. With nothing real ever having come as a result. I don't find it difficult to walk away from men once I've seen who they really are.

I know a lot of couples who have been together 30+ years (clearly, I'm getting old! 🙄😏) and talking with them makes me sad because I can see how much of life I've missed out on by being this way but, at the same time, it makes me feel terribly claustrophobic to think of being with someone for that long.

I feel like I'd be better off making peace with the way I feel rather than trying to change it.

myidentitymycrisis

Wow, I think you are incredibly highly evolved and insightful. Becoming at peace with yourself and knowing yourself so thoroughly is how I'd like to be.
I realise now , so late in life, how dysfunctional and abusive my childhood was and how it continued into adulthood. The sense of worthlessness and low self esteem, made me have abusive relationship after abusive relationship. I am now at the stage where I'd rather be alone than in another bad relationship.
I am not sure I can heal my wounds on my own..I am.triggered all the time, and feel like I can only become myself by leaving the country and changing my name.
(I was bullied about my name at school).
But i fear that even if I leave the country and do all of
this

, I will still be like an actress playing a part.
I realise throughout my 18 year marriage he never loved me, as he was having an affair with the woman he is now with.
I thought I loved him, but I really don't know. My parents have never said they love me, I guess they don't. They have never hugged or shown affection towards me, but I have been sworn at and hit.
I have been NC with them for nearly a year and my abusive siblings. I don't miss them.

They did not support me when i was going through bad times.
All I can do now is search for some inner peace and I try to reparent myself. The childhood wounds are so deep that i will need proper professional help to get to the bottom of the trauma I feel. I can't afford it as i have very little money.
By being constantly abused I have developed auto immune diseases, which is very common in abusive relationships.
I know the theory, that if I can cure my mind, I can heal my body, but I just can't seem to do it.
Like they say- GET REAL ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL SO YOU CAN HEAL.
Hasn't worked for me yet, hopefully it will for you.

Good luck.

Much of what you said there resonated with me very deeply.

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel it so deeply too

I was a very insightful "therapee" for years, @AutumnalMorning. I was razor-sharp, and I could see connections between my current behaviour and my past. I could describe my feelings, and identify transferential behaviour.

What I couldn't do was admit I needed my therapist, or that I loved her, or that I was, underneath, far less in control than I wanted to be perceived to be.

Yes, I was an exemplary analysand, and that was a huge problem.