Transference

[AutumnalMorning]

Please be gentle, this is coming from a place of trauma and realisation and nothing more.

I no longer have contact with my mother after she was emotionally and verbally abusive from an early age. I cut contact in my late 30s. The abuse continued until then - although I didn't realise until I'd gone NC with her just how badly it had damaged me and how much her abuse had become an inner voice that I simply never questioned etc. My dad was physically abusive. He was still hitting me when I left home at 18. I've never had any support, nurturing, parenting. I have no other family. This is just to give some sort of context.

I'm now mid 40s and it's been a dawning realisation over the past few years that I haven't ever been loved by anyone.

My relationships have been largely short lived and abusive, at worst, or just not fulfilling and "he's just not that into you", at best; filled with sadness and loneliness and a desperation to be loved coupled with the heartbreaking weight of the knowledge that I wasn't. I just accepted that I'd never be loved and just made the best of the fact I, at least, had company.

I have realised over the past couple of years that I struggle with aspects of emotional regulation. I 'fall in love' easily and quickly but fall out of love just as quickly. But I'm also starting to understand that what I'm really experiencing is best described/understood as a type of 'transference' and not love at all.

Because I have an absence of love in my life; I've never been 'cherished'; I have no one who makes me feel cared about, I become ridiculously emotionally attached to anyone who shows me any kindness but, equally, remain emotionally distant at the same time so I'm not really able to have proper, functioning relationships.

I've realised that I interpret this intense emotional attachment as having fallen in love with them. But it isn't. I can see that. But this has been a very recent realisation - over this summer really.

I realised it because I have recently developed feelings for a married male friend. I'm friends with both he and his wife equally. I've known them for a around a year and a half but only really became friends with them this summer. They are so kind and have been good friends to me over the summer - so much so that they make me feel cared about. He asks me to message to let them known I'm home safely; he's offered me a bed for the night if I ever need/want it; he checks I'm ok; he seeks me out when we're in a group because he enjoys my company; he's just generally attentive and I guess he just makes me feel like i matter. I know it's nothing more than just friendliness - he's like it with everyone he cares about and his wife has told me that he likes me a lot - they are both very kind and emotionally generous people.

I also know that my feelings aren't genuine - I don't want him, I've just been comforted by the kindness and thoughtfulness he's shown me and it's left me with this huge ball of emotions in my heart that I feel almost overwhelmed by.

I don't even know what I want really. Words of wisdom? Advice?

There's no need to warn me off an affair. It isn't like that. I know my feelings aren't genuine; I know he's not 'interested' in me in that way. I'm just struggling a bit with the 'transference' aspect of it; that I only develop these feelings for men who are kind to me because there's just such an absence of kindness and care in my life overall.

I'm just very sad about it today.

I feel that I am an actress playing a role

What you are describing is a form of dissociative behaviour. You haven’t been allowed to be your authentic self because of the failure of your parents/carers to nurture your development.

I see that you can’t afford counselling at the moment but one thing you could try is noticing your responses and feelings more. Pay attention to your moods and have a think about why you might be reacting like you do. Maybe make some notes.

I just want to say that I have huge admiration for you and love to hear how sociable you are and how you have plenty of Friends and acquaintances . You clearly are a lovely person with whom others love to be around I wish you the very best.

Dolores

How did you get past it?

What I couldn't do was admit I needed my therapist, or that I loved her, or that I was, underneath, far less in control than I wanted to be perceived to be.

I completely get this. I know that I'm struggling. I'm only living half a life. On the surface, it looks like everything is ok but underneath there are massive cracks and I'm really not managing well at all. I feel trapped in a world I don't feel I have any real interest in being in. But I don't feel like I've got time or space to stop and process all of this bit. I'm too busy keeping my head down and just ploughing on through emotionally speaking. It just feels like there's a huge barrier there and I suspect that the reality is I'm a bit scared of what might be on the other side of it.

When you say you couldn't admit loving your therapist, do you mean in a healthy way or in a dysfunctional way? (Sorry if that's a shitty question - it wasnt meant to be!)

Joshes thank you.

I have experience of assuming that I can only be valued through sexual relationships, although I do also enjoy sex. This has resulted in the past of never pursuing anyone, only being available and flattered by men who targeted me. My sense of self is so thin and I never really had any idea that I could be valued as a person with ideas and thoughts and feelings. I’ve had many short relationships which rarely last longer than 2 years, and several held at long distance. I have been unable to commit, trust or fully enter and open myself up or believe that my partner loves or wants to be with me. I’m lucky that I have a wonderful son who I can experience emotional intimacy with, and that is how I know who I really am.

In therapy I can never allowed myself to develop feelings for my therapist. I still keep up my shield, although a lot of my pain is also revealed.

I’ve never been in private therapy though, so I am always prepared that the relationship is temporary, I know the person will leave me. I tell myself I can cope with that as it’s my expectation of a relationship. Perhaps if I could afford a private therapist and I had more control of the terms of the relationship I might experience this differently.
My last therapist helped me to see how I am unable to feel safe in relationship, to trust, that one can step over the cliff - or beyond the barrier that you refer to- and receive the love of another person. I find this makes me destructive.

When you say you couldn't admit loving your therapist, do you mean in a healthy way or in a dysfunctional way? (Sorry if that's a shitty question - it wasnt meant to be!)

Not a shitty question at all, @AutumnalMorning

I mean in a healthy way; that I love her like I need her. I also found it hard to tell her the truth about my annoyance at her, which I am now starting to voice. It feels like annihilation - that I'll be judged and rejected. That I am not perfect. That's part of the dance of intimacy.

How did I get past it? I'm not sure. I think it was just risking the truth, and realising it wouldn't, and didn't, kill me. It was about feeling really fucking uncomfortable and confused, and admitting I didn't know the answers.