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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would this make you feel?

30 replies

Septemberday · 02/10/2019 09:13

So a while back when my work announced its plans for our Xmas do I asked my dh if his work was having an Xmas do. He told me nothing had been announced yet.
I expressed my interest as we went to his works Xmas do a few years ago and it was a really great bash and so nice to put faces to names etc. Also, both of us have discussed that since DH left the army, how much we do miss the social side of things, like the balls and dining in nights etc. We've relocated 2 years ago so still don't have a massive social circle and both of us really miss our old social life. Both our work does do include spouses (which I know is unusual as alot of places dont).

It came up again yesterday when I was paying a deposit for my works Xmas do and dh said, no his work isn't having an Xmas do this year.

All fine. No drama. They didn't have one last year either.

Then last night I was looking for an email response to something and dh said it might have been sent to him not me, so I checked his emails too (with his permission, our in boxes are logged into a home pc all the time).
There as clear as day is an email conversation between him and work. His work saying Xmas do will be in X date and asking for a vote on which of 3 available places would people prefer. The firstboption was xyz hotel and restaurant because it was such a fantastic night last year!

Dh has replied to the message saying all.oprions sound good but sadly he has other plans for that date/weekend so unfortunately won't be able to make it.

We don't have plans for that weekend at all.

OP posts:
treacletree · 02/10/2019 09:16

I can see how it seems a little odd but maybe he just doesn’t want to go?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 02/10/2019 09:29

Ask him about it?

TinyTinathy · 02/10/2019 09:33

It would make me feel like he doesn't want to go.

Jane1978xx · 02/10/2019 09:35

Maybe he doesn’t want to go or has planned a surprise for you or a lads night

NewMe2019 · 02/10/2019 09:36

He has reasons for not wanting to go. Which is fine. The odd part is lying to you about it. Are you the type to insist you'd want to go and he would feel obliged? Did you prefer the old social stuff and perhaps he wasn't actually that keen?

TheAlternativeTentacle · 02/10/2019 09:37

He probably doesn't want you to meet someone new there.

BertrandRussell · 02/10/2019 09:39

Is he happy at work?

MarthasGinYard · 02/10/2019 09:39

He clearly doesn't want to go and didn't last year either.

For what reason you won't know until you ask him

Hope you get a straight answer Op I'd find that odd also.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/10/2019 09:43

Well he should have been honest and said to you it was on but he didn't want to goz but would you have tried to coax him into attending? Not saying the lying is OK but it might explain it.

Did you say anything? Did you have to open emails you didn't need to email to be able to see so much detail and that's why you're reticent to do so?

As he's not going and leaving you out then lying about where he's going I'd leave it, but would look out for other signs he's unhappy at wotk

SleepingStandingUp · 02/10/2019 09:44

He probably doesn't want you to meet someone new there man doesn't want t go to works do so clearly must be having an affair... Hmm

nex18 · 02/10/2019 09:45

He doesn’t want to go so has made excuses to work of being busy and to you of there being no night out in case you wanted to go despite him not wanting to. Tell him you saw the email and that you’d better organise something for that weekend to validate his excuse, winner!

AmIThough · 02/10/2019 09:45

He doesn't want to go and can't be bothered discussing it with you because he's made his decision.

KUGA · 02/10/2019 09:50

Sounds iffy to me tbh.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/10/2019 09:54

This would certainly have my spidey senses tingling.
Seems odd that he would lie to you about it though.
Why do that? Why not just say that he doesn't want to go for X or X reason?
You need to ask him.

Interestedwoman · 02/10/2019 09:56

I would be really annoyed, as he's depriving you of something you enjoyed. He also clearly doesn't value having a social life as much as you (at least, not with these people.)

One of the PP's is right when I think she implied there might've been one last year too, you just weren't told about it.

AmIThough · 02/10/2019 09:57

@Interestedwoman why are her wants more important than his?

She gets to socialise with her colleagues. He doesn't want to socialise with his.

blubblubblub · 02/10/2019 10:00

He doesn't want to go and hasn't told you because he knows you'd want to go and would try and talk him into it. It's his work do, so it's his call.

MashedSpud · 02/10/2019 10:07

He doesn’t want to go.

You seem to be dying to go and would probably have pushed for you both to go if he told you.

I was half expecting you to say he is going but lied to you about it but that’s not the case.

Just leave it and enjoy your own works party.

Ozziewozzie · 02/10/2019 10:10

I would just assume his work colleagues are just not his type for letting his hair down etc.
He may feel as you’ve always find it each other’s that you would try and talk him into going.
Or he’s had a fling thing and now doesn’t want you to come across the ow?

BertrandRussell · 02/10/2019 10:10

It depends on your relationship. If this was my dp, I can only think of two possible reasons. He had planned something he wanted to keep as a surprise for that weekend. Or he was so unhappy at work he didn’t want to socialise with he’s colleagues and hadn’t been able to tell me. I honestly cannot this knof anything else.

CookPassBabtridge · 02/10/2019 10:13

I agree that it sounds like you really would want to go and would have talked him into it, so he'd rather say there isn't one.

Windydaysuponus · 02/10/2019 10:16

Make a note of the date for his and see what happens closer to the time. If he has a sudden need to get out that night you may have reason for concern...

SleepingStandingUp · 02/10/2019 10:17

I would be really annoyed, as he's depriving you of something you enjoyed
Eh? So he should have to sit through hours of HIS works do with HIS colleagues because she doesn't have enoigh friends of her own?

BertrandRussell · 02/10/2019 10:19

Is there any reason why you haven’t asked him about it?

HotDogGuy · 02/10/2019 10:20

It would make me think he doesn’t want to go so has made an excuse. To the people insinuating his having an affair that’s ridiculous!
His work is not there for you to make friends. Do that through your own work or take up a hobby.