If DW does something wrong it's excusable, but if I get it wrong, I'm an idiot...

[FatherForgiveMe]

Going home to my SAHM DW and two DDs is like going to a foreign country sometimes - they have a different language and they do things differently. But unlike a foreigner I don't seem to get a margin of appreciation.

DW really puts the boot in when I do something wrong (e.g. fail to notice when a nappy needs changing or use the wrong milk), but when she does something wrong (e.g. food too hot for DD1), it's totally excusable because she's too tired, distracted or has too much on her mind.

I acknowledge she might want to be defensive about it because she's their primary carer and doesn't want to be being seen to get it wrong, but we're both only human - she's gone through the learning curve and I need to as well.

That sounds crap. Have you spoken about it?

Yeah. DW almost always apologises afterwards - I just wish she could avoid being unpleasant about it in the first place.

You describe your household as if it runs along without you most of the time and you get to visit, on suffrance. Is that how it is or was that just your turn of phrase?

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You're not alone. Same here, and have noticed similar with a few friends as well. And actually it's not just SAHM's either, it's with working mums as well. In fact, given that it goes on in houses without any kids in at all, I suspect it's one of those differences between men and women.

Where DH does something wrong (e.g. drops something noisy when child has just gone to sleep) it's being "stupid/ not paying attention/ always doing stuff like that" and worthy of being shouted at.

When DW does same thing wrong it's "an accident/ one of those things" and saying anything, let alone shouting, is wholly unfair.

Youi know, perhaps just saying "don't speak to me like that!" would make her see that it's just not acceptable.

agree with pruners - i can switch off about this on holidays, but at home it feels like too much responsibility and as the dw you never get a break because home stuff is 24 hrs - changes of perspective need to happen on all sides!

Pruners has absolutely hit the nail on the head I think. That's exactly why my poor DH gets it in the neck.

I feel dreadfully guilty after being a cowbag (as I was this weekend, as it happens).

I can relate with the way you are describing your DW - I have done this to DH in the past and know I still have to try very hard no to do it now.
My trouble was I literally had to be thinking constantly, I was always the one to do DD2's morning feed, sort girls breakfast, lunch & dinner, baths, activities etc - when DH was home at weekends at would drive me insane having to ask DH to do one of those things, IMO he should know just the same as I always did.

I have accepted now that I do have to ask him to do things like bath DD's etc because he just doesn't realise what night is bath night or what time they are having tea tonight- it's taken me a long time to let DH do things his own way - if I asked him to bath the girls but he didn't do things the way I did it would annoy me, we'd argue and i'd end up doing everything again. Now I let DH get on with things his own way, they may not get done the way I would do them but they are done none the less. I'm happier because I'm not constantly thinking and doing everything, he's happier because he gets time to bond with DD's and DD's are happier because daddy is much more fun than I - he plays whereas I just wash and out !

I went on but my point is to try and say to DW that you may not do things the way she would but they do get done so maybe she could just let you do things your way.

FatherForgiveMe, I too think pruners has nailed this.
If it is any consolation at all things can get just as antagonistic in households where both parents WOTH
Welcome to Mn by the way!
Sounds as though you are trying to break this deadlock with your dw, agree with Dior that if your family budget can run to the occasional night out together, it might help you both remember why you had the dds in the first place, and that you love each other really

These comments are very helpful, thanks, esp. Pruners, cestlavie and foghorn.

I know when things are relaxed (and especially on the weekend if DW gets a lie-in and I look after DD1 and DD2) DW is much more forgiving if I disrupt the routine or make a mess of things. It's just a matter of finding a way that things are (a) more relaxed, (b) more often.

Pruners - part of the problem is that I know it's annoying to DW to ask her all the time what needs doing so I use my (ahem) initiative - and end up occasionally getting it woefully wrong and feeling like the Borat to her USA.

Pruners has it spot on - definitely hits home for me.

yep, I'm also with Pruners et al, and I can't claim lack of culpability. With me one of the things that frustrates me is poor timing with DH - if you're the person home more, you usually have a better feel for what kind of mood DC is in, and what sort of approach to take - and when the other person gets it completely wrong and takes the approach that would have worked perfectly well the previous day, you want to scream (at present I have a terrible toddler).

I'd suggest, even if it seems a bit artificial, asking for tips every now and then. It might seem OTT but will probably make DW feel more appreciated.

Blimey!
I had to check whether you'd said DP or DW then as you could be my other half!

I know that I do it sometimes and I really wish I didn't. The triggers are as pruners said.

The trick though is to get your DW to understand how she treats you. Does she realise?

I try really hard to afford my DP the same care and scope to be wrong as I did before we had children. I try really hard and sometimes I still f**k it up. I try the things suggested by other posters but I also have days where I try to shut my mouth (no matter what he's doing) and instead of commenting or trying to get him to do things how I'd do them just let things progress. Sometimes it's a mare, sometimes it's genius.
He genuinely does things differently to me (wrong obviously ) but sometimes it's better than how I do it. On those occasions I try to really big up the difference and how it's better, every time I do that it's easier to cut him some slack later in an anal moment.

I know I'm not perfect but for him, I'm willing to try my damndest to be.

There should be a after scope to be wrong. Reads v. differently without it.

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now feeling very bad as I know DH has tried to have that conversation with me and I have not taken much notice .

will focus on muttering under breath [random stranger called pruners managed to reduce control-freakery, so can I]

[random, in a good way, of course]

My issue used to be, if it wasn't done in a certain way then the babies wouldn't eat/sleep properly....if I let dh feed the kids (listen to me, "let him!"), I'd hover thinking one of them was going to be sick.....if i left him home alone with them i'd think he would let them sleep too long and thus they wouldn't sleep at night - i just couldn't relax. Last year i crumbled and went on AD's for PND and realised i just had to let go - yes routine was a wonderful thing, but not when it was strangling the life out of me.

So now he does things his way and i do things my way - kids eat and sleep just fine.....

Was so relieved to see two dds mentioned in the op, otherwise it could have been me!
I do stand by my Control-freakery (pruners, great term!) and impatience though, I just about manage to keep things running along. I am sorry and I feel like a villain for saying it but if DP does something it is half done or wrong causing me more work or time, which leads to more frustration and resentment. Think this is more my state of mind than to do with dp though.

DP told me at the weekend that I am always critising him and it is bringing him down, I felt absolutely terrible that I was making him feel that way. Meeely2 has hit home with me too, I really need a kick up the a@*e to get some ADs as have been struggling along for so long now.

FFM have a good heart to heart with your dw.

Are you my alter ego FFM?

I think Mums don't realise that for the most part they have 6 months or more of intensive 'on the job training', whereas we have 2 weeks, then weekends and half an hour n the evening if we're lucky. Given time we will get there in the end, but we're not going to always remember to pack the sunhat/lotion/doidy cup/ricecakes/teethers/muslins/favoutite book every single time.

It goes both ways too though. Sometimes I feel like DW is treating me like an idiot and snap back at her, but then other times I'll lose confidence and ask far too many questions. So I think sometimes she's confused by how much or how little help I need. I think lack of confidence is the true reason a lot of Dad's abdicate resonsibility for childcare. I wobble sometimes, but I'll refuse to give in!

Oh, and Pruners comment is spot on. I often find myself saying 'what can I do now to help' when I should just be doing it.

Dadada, a good middle way to avoid the 'asking for permission to parent' syndrome is just to say, casually, 'oh, I'm just going to change DD's nappy/make her milk/bath/take her for a walk, is there anything else you'd like while I'm at it?'

You might end up with a list, mind, but if your DW wants to chip in about whether you are doing things in a particular way that gives her the opportunity, while leaving you pretty much in charge of getting it done.

Gizmo - you're brilliantly manipulative in a way that only parents can be!