If DW does something wrong it's excusable, but if I get it wrong, I'm an idiot...

[FatherForgiveMe]

Going home to my SAHM DW and two DDs is like going to a foreign country sometimes - they have a different language and they do things differently. But unlike a foreigner I don't seem to get a margin of appreciation.

DW really puts the boot in when I do something wrong (e.g. fail to notice when a nappy needs changing or use the wrong milk), but when she does something wrong (e.g. food too hot for DD1), it's totally excusable because she's too tired, distracted or has too much on her mind.

I acknowledge she might want to be defensive about it because she's their primary carer and doesn't want to be being seen to get it wrong, but we're both only human - she's gone through the learning curve and I need to as well.

Message withdrawn

DaDaDa, after 5 months on mat leave i was none the wiser I can tell u! I was defo not one of these born to nurture mothers, I struggled and still do, but my DH's perception was, I was the mum so what was the issue.

When he asked 'why is he crying? what is wrong with him? have u fed him?' it did nothing to boost my confidence.

To his credit when the boys came out of hosp (8 weeks in NICU) he did take over....night feeds, nappy changes, out for walks....but then he just seemed to loose interest (correct me here dads)....in hindsight he was stepping back so that I was taking more on, as i reality, during the day it was MY JOB to take care of them. However his lack of apparent support threw me into overdrive - routine routine routine so when he did try and help he 'got it wrong' i would yell, he would back off even more, so it was counter productive.

After 2 and a half years I have come to the conclusion that parenting should involve BOTH parents as equally as possible, but with a pre-agreed method of doing things. Mum needs support too for when dad isn;t there (I have no family up here, would NEVER leave boys with dh at night, so never went out), and mum also needs a social life so there is no resentment towards each other. Dads need to KNOW this, my dh simply just did not get why i was sooooo put out when he went to the pub every sunday, just did not twig with him.

Anyway i think i have gone off the point a bit there, but i needed to say that not all mums find parenting easy so i do empathise with dads who don't either (I've never said 'this is easy, whats your problem), but i think if you both admit you are finding it hard and then work out a compromise you are halfway there.

I never admitted i was struggling hence the AD's!

All true of course Meeely. My DW has found things very tough and absolutely nothing could have prepared us for the effect it would have on our relationship (been together a long time without kids). He's been like a handgrenade chucked into the middle of it

I try to encourage her to have nights out but she's just so exhausted most of the time. It's just so important for Mums to occasionally give control to Dads in the early days IMHO. The sense of pride (OK, and a bit of smugness) when I got him off to sleep with a bottle and stories when he'd always previously breastfed to sleep was enormous. And now he trusts me enough to do that every time.

Shame for OP I think these things need to be sorted early on, although with the will on both sides to make it work you can build a better, different relationship.