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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Recently separated but DH wants to try again

33 replies

Properbobbins · 01/10/2019 20:34

I’ve not really got anyone to talk to about this IRL so I’m after your wise words and opinions.

Recently separated (within last 3 months) things not right for a while, I was of the opinion just normal ups and downs but DH wanted to separate and moved out into a rental.

We have 2 primary school aged children who have adjusted quite well and we’re all ticking along quite nicely until this week when DH says it was all a big mistake and wants to move back in as he misses me.
I don’t want him to come back to then change his mind again in a few years and us go through a separation all over again. I feel like I’m doing ok but I don’t want to go through it again and I’m not putting my children through it again. However I can’t deny how much easier life is when there’s 2 of you - eldest has additional needs - and he is a great dad, the children would love it if he was back here again.

Before he left I would have done anything for him to have stayed but now he has left I’m not so sure.

OP posts:

donethinkin · 01/10/2019 20:39

I wouldn’t. If he had enough doubts to go then like you say, you’ll end up back there again. He’s just having cold feet and panicking. The reasons he left are still there. I’d say he has to get 6 months of weekly counselling and if he sticks to that then come back to me and we will talk. You deserve somebody who is passionate about you

SquirrelsInJune · 01/10/2019 21:03

The problem is that now you know that when things get tough, you can't rely on him to hang in there and work on things together. You've realised that you can't rely on him to be there for you during the bad times.

You and the children have had to adjust to your new lives. Now it's your DH's turn to do the same. He can't expect you all to keep dancing to his tune every time he has yet another change of feelings. It's not fair on you or your children.

There's no reason why he can't carry on being "a great dad" from a different address.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2019 21:08

Two things

OW blew him out
he discovered the grass isn't greener and wants his soft landing back

Tell him to do one. You can never trust him to have your back now.

yellowallpaper · 01/10/2019 21:16

I wouldn't just yet. Have some couples counselling when you are living apart, to see what went wrong. Pointless moving back in with the same issues unresolved.

KatherineJaneway · 01/10/2019 21:20

I agree with AnyFucker on this. Something changed his end to make him rethink. Has he even apologised for what he has put you all through?

SherbetSaucer · 01/10/2019 21:24

@AnyFucker is spot on I bet!! Don’t fall for it!

letsdolunch321 · 01/10/2019 21:39

He made the decision to leave, now think of what YOU want.

Just remember once he is back that is it till he flips and goes again.

My exh was like this, to the point I was walking on egg shells never knowing when he would next leave.

Livelovelearn1 · 01/10/2019 21:42

Donethinkin has some pretty good advise. Dont jump right back. Its not fair on u or the kids... keep doors open after some work has been done x

BIWI · 01/10/2019 21:45

Was there another woman?

Was there any abuse? (emotional, financial and/or physical)

Why is he suddenly saying he wants to come back? Is it to do with money - i.e. he can't afford to support his children and also rent somewhere else?

TBH I'd be highly suspicious of his motives. And at the very least I'd be insisting that you go for couples' counselling before you even contemplate letting him set foot over the threshold.

Dinks66 · 01/10/2019 22:23

The second go never works...it only reminds you of why it didn't work.

LFLM1 · 01/10/2019 22:39

I have no experience of this but I have friends that have left and then gone back and I know at least two of them that regret it. Maybe spend sometime living apart and working on your relationship. Don't give in to him, make him wait until you know if you want to or not. The most important advice I can give is to make sure you are in the financial position to leave again should you have to.

worriedandannoyed · 01/10/2019 23:48

I did this, we got back together after 6 weeks with so many unanswered questions about what he'd been doing while we were apart.

2 years later he did it again. This time after around 8 weeks he wanted to come back again. So much upheaval and hurt caused to the children there was no way. It was a lot lot harder second time round

AgentJohnson · 02/10/2019 02:07

It’s all about him isn’t it. He wanted to leave and he wants to come back. You and your children can’t be held hostage to his whims. If he wants back in, he has to do the bloody work, even then, there’s no guarantee.

Some people are consumed by their own needs that refuse to acknowledge their needs aren’t the only needs in the mix.

Fedup0007 · 02/10/2019 03:57

Don’t let him back. He made a decision and you’ve coped with with it. Yeah it would be nice to have a family unit again but you can still be the unit by co parenting and getting on well together for the sake of your kids and like you said if he does decide to leave in a few years time it’s just more upheaval for the kids.

You’ve done well to stay strong and you’ve got this!

Mothership4two · 02/10/2019 04:08

It sounds like you don't really want him to come back OP.

blackcat86 · 02/10/2019 04:15

What do you want? Your focus has mostly been on him and his wants and his needs so now it's time to figure out what you want, and if (big if) he does return on what terms. This is the time to reflect and draw your new boundaries. I understand ths temptation to have your family unit back but I would want to think carefully before doing this. I would ask him to organise couples counselling so you can start talking. You would think he would have thought seriously and been really sure before breaking up the family especially if you wanted to work on things so it feels like a red flag that he's chopping and changing

AmIThough · 02/10/2019 04:21

You can't trust him to be there for you and your children. You'll be walking on eggshells so as not to upset him and it doesn't sound like you want him back.

Don't let him come back because it's the easy option, and in turn sacrifice your happiness. You're better than that and deserve more.

Graphista · 02/10/2019 05:40

Yea I'm with there being another woman in the mix

Either

1 there is an OW and you need time
to investigate the possibility

2 there wasn't but the problems that existed in your marriage at least as far as HE was concerned are still there and you need time and space and probably counselling to work through them if he's to come back and not do this again

3 his reasons for returning are he's consulted a lawyer and been told the financial ramifications of splitting and didn't like what he heard - which is not a good enough reason for him to come back

It's not fair on you and the kids to blow hot and cold whatever the reason

category12 · 02/10/2019 06:22

I'd be betting on anyfucker's interpretation.

prawnsword · 02/10/2019 06:30

I don’t think you’re getting the full story as to what he has been up to & you should not let him back, at least not so easily.

He had a seemingly better offer, or at least the grass appeared greener but now he wants back with no explanation. He is not telling you the whole truth.

madcatladyforever · 02/10/2019 06:34

My ex H went back and forth, back and forth then finally left again. It was exhausting.
I want to know what his motives are really for coming back. In the case of my ex it was purely money.
Everytime he wasn't doing well financially he'd come back declaring that he missed being with me or some such and then when he was doing well he'd leave again.
I'd be very careful. He probably just misses the home comforts and has anything really been resolved?

user1493413286 · 02/10/2019 06:41

I think you need to work out what you want for you. Then you could suggest to your DH that you try again but he doesn’t move back in immediately so that you can see how it goes without unsettling the children and it’ll also give your relationship a chance to reform rather than just go back to how it was.
Sorry to sound harsh but it will also give you an idea of whether he is willing to put in the effort to your relationship or just wants to come back to an easier life/is finding it harder than he expected being alone.
I think it’s really important to take it slow so that your children aren’t experiencing more upheaval if it doesn’t work

SignedUpJust4This · 02/10/2019 07:26

Dont do it OP. Well done for sorting life out all on your own. You dont need him.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/10/2019 08:25

AnyFucker has it right!!!!!
Sod that for a laugh.
You are currently his fall back girl.
As soon as another suitable shag comes along he'll be gone again.
I think you already know this which is why you are so hesitant!
You've adjusted.
Your DC have adjusted.
Don't allow them to be messed around.
Stand your ground.
He can get to fuck.

NewMe2019 · 02/10/2019 08:40

What were his actual reasons for leaving? And has he even acknowledged those and have they been resolved?

I think this is a case of he realises he has to do everything for himself, including some parenting, and he doesn't want to anymore and realises he had it much easier with you. I wouldn't do it. Too confusing for your DCs.

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