Recently separated but DH wants to try again

[Properbobbins]

I’ve not really got anyone to talk to about this IRL so I’m after your wise words and opinions.

Recently separated (within last 3 months) things not right for a while, I was of the opinion just normal ups and downs but DH wanted to separate and moved out into a rental.

We have 2 primary school aged children who have adjusted quite well and we’re all ticking along quite nicely until this week when DH says it was all a big mistake and wants to move back in as he misses me.
I don’t want him to come back to then change his mind again in a few years and us go through a separation all over again. I feel like I’m doing ok but I don’t want to go through it again and I’m not putting my children through it again. However I can’t deny how much easier life is when there’s 2 of you - eldest has additional needs - and he is a great dad, the children would love it if he was back here again.

Before he left I would have done anything for him to have stayed but now he has left I’m not so sure.

What were his behaviours in the iOS and downs before he left?
What sort of partner was he to you in general? What else was/is going on his wider life?

How was his decision to leave and departure? Was it kind and respectful with your DCs needs at its heart? Did he think it through and ensured all financial, logistical and access arrangements were negotiated and in place?

How has he behaved since he has been away - kind and respectful to you and DCs?

How has yours and DCs lives been since he left? Have you had a calm and peaceful home emotionally? I understand that childcare/housework is a bigger burger now but trade a calm and peaceful home for the possibility of a spare pair of hands to do the shopping/bath time etc. You will work through those practicalities in time.

However probably (99%):
OW blew him out.
Planned OW did reciprocate.
OLD not going well.
Needs a shag.
Too expensive long term.
No one to wash his pants/clean the bathroom/cook.
Lonely.
Socially rejected by community.

As PP has said until all of these have been ruled out (is that even possible) which would take months only then would I even start to think what do I and my DC need and want.

There cannot be any risk that he would do this again - you all cannot live under that cloud - that would be hideous for your DCs.

What are his proposals to reflect, change and grow emotionally so that the relationship works?

I completely agree with new he has realised how hard it is doing everything for himself and the monotony of day to day household chores has kicked in.

As you said yourself "However I can’t deny how much easier life is when there’s 2 of you" that is probably his reasoning too.

But the issues as to why he left have not been resolved. I would go to couples' counselling to sort out the issues before I would ever let him back home.

You haven't said whether you work or not and whether you did an equal share of parenting and housework.

The Beautiful South "A little time" lyrics are applicable here.

i'd be very surprised that a man who was happy to go to the lengths of organising and moving out into rented accommodation, away from his small children, would move back just because he missed home comforts (laundry, cooking etc).

missing sex/intimacy - that would be a more likely reason.

OW-related rejections - also possible.

realising that he'd built up small issues into really big ones in his own head, pressure from friends/family - all possible as well.

that's not to say any of those are strong enough for OP to just allow him back straight away.

i completely agree that you now have the opportunity to make him prove to you how committed he is to your family.

i'd say to him that your faith and trust in him as been destroyed completely, and that (if you want him to) he will need to start from scratch with you.

including 100% honesty about the why (of leaving, and wanting to come back).

if you don't get this, i don't see how it could work long term.

I wouldn’t have him back in the house so easily but maybe get to know each other again by dating and see if it’s what you both want, don’t disturb the children by bringing him back into the house too soon. Good luck I hope it works out for the best!

3 months seems to be a pretty common timeframe for people to wobble after leaving a relationship: you've got enough distance and space from the reasons you left for them to feel smaller, and you're not established enough in your new life for it to feel comfortable and "yours". So on top of starting to doubt yourself and minimising things you also have homesickness telling you to go back.things

The fact that his states reason for returning is "missing you" sounds like this. It's not a very compelling indication anything meaningful has changed about why he left.

I strongly suspect if he came back he'd leave again - being back would make all his reasons for leaving resurface.

What stands out to me is that you say how well the children have coped so far. I would be incredibly worried about how much damage it would do - at a long term level - if he came back and then bailed again. It would be so destabilising for them to have him boomerang back and out again, and the last thing they need is to reach adulthood feeling insecure in all their relationships and always waiting for people to abandon them.

You can forgive him, but that doesn't mean what he's done can be undone now. Saying no is not punishing him, it's just making a decision in your own and your children's best interests.

Besides which, I don't know about you, but I think I'd spend the rest of the relationship always afraid he might up and leave if I did something he didn't like or if the children played up or if he had a bad day. And I think living like that would do you so much damage.

Of course, I'm assuming this isn't a pattern of abuse where he wants to come back deliberately to hurt you all and gain more control.

I think it's really hard to pass comment without knowing what has gone on behind the scenes. Was there anyone else involved for example? There are ways of working through a reconciliation without just letting him move back in ie to be sure ( as much as you ever can be) that he won't change his mind again. There is quite an emphasis on the practical benefits of him moving back in but no mention about how you feel emotionally. That worries me a bit.

How is it all going for you OP?