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Original poster

How important are these things?

39 replies

inmyshoos · 01/10/2019 11:53

Do you think in order to have a happy relationship you and any partner must have similar standards when it comes to cleanliness?

So if someone was a great person but less bothered about changing bedding, washing up, cleaning bathroom and showering everyday would you instantly think you'd never be compatible as it eould always be an issue?
Or do you think if they both wanted it to work they would find a compromise?... that hopefully wouldnt lead to a nagging/resentment situation years down the line?

Your thoughts would be appreciated. Smile

OP posts:
Jane1978xx · 01/10/2019 11:57

For personal hygiene and cleaning key things yes. If they are more generally untidy -clutter, putting things away, clothes I don’t think it’s an issue

Original poster
inmyshoos · 01/10/2019 12:07

Not untidy issue, im talking less bothered about cleanliness. So showering every other day instead of daily, hoovering very rarely, cleaning bathroom far less etc...

OP posts:
fluffygal · 01/10/2019 12:09

I think it depends on each others personalities and whether it would end up causing resentment. I am sure it is common in couples to have one person who prefers things cleaner than the other

Windydaysuponus · 01/10/2019 12:10

Dh was a slob when we met. Sink full of dishes. Binned bedding and bought new instead of washing it!
Showered for sex but not as the norm.
Fully house trained and hygienic from day 1 of living together!

qualityheat · 01/10/2019 12:11

I think in a healthy relationship you make compromises. So person A might be happy only cleaning the bathroom once a fortnight, but they can make a compromise and clean more regularly as part of the give and take of a functional partnership.

Tbh, I'd see the inability to compromise / be flexible on personal preferences as FAR more of a problem than any disparity between two people's standards of hygiene.

Ohnoherewego62 · 01/10/2019 12:13

I think if one person is doing most of the housework, then it can cause problems. We all have different standards.

Personal hygiene is important but some people wont smell after not having a daily shower or skipping a day or so. Again its different standards.

Drogosnextwife · 01/10/2019 12:14

I like my house clean and tidy, I'm not obsessed with it but I do like thinks to be put away and clean. My dp would live in a pigsty and wouldn't notice. He is the laziest messiest person I think I've ever met when it comes to housework or even just picking up the dirt clothes he takes off. He just doesn't do it, just dumps them on the floor, leaves his rubbish at his arse, I could go on and on. Yes it causes aot of tension and yes I really do resent him.

Phycadelicsilhouette · 01/10/2019 12:19

For me yes.
Untidiness I’m not too fussed on but I don’t like uncleanliness. I’m not pedantic about it, mess and dirt happens, especially in a family with children and pets, but it needs to be cleaned. (In my opinion).
Showering every other day wouldn’t bother me, unless it’s really hot but again not my body not my choices so that one’s less important to me. If a partner was smelly I expect we just wouldn’t have sex but I’d still be happy to be intimate without being sexual.
Uncleanliness again, not my choice how someone else wants to live but I can’t live with someone who chooses not to respect my need for a clean home.
I have multiple flaws that others wouldn’t be able to live with I’m sure, it depends whether your strengths and flaws are compatible.
Nobody is perfect.
I would love to say I could look past it but it matters to me and love alone isn’t enough.
I learnt that the hard way.

MCGrindah · 01/10/2019 12:25

I absolutely couldn't date a man who didn't have the same hygiene standards as me. For example, if he didn't shower every day or didn't brush his teeth a couple of times a day. Bleurgh.

I also couldn't live with someone who had a different standard of hygiene and tidiness at home. I like everything spotless and no clutter. I couldn't live with someone who didn't want this too.

I broke up with a boy when I was 18 for the primary reason that his parents house was too dirty for me and I didn't like staying there. He was pretty much great in every other way Blush

Loopytiles · 01/10/2019 12:29

Much depends on whether each person’s standards and amount of domestic work are, objectively, reasonable.

For example, if a couple live together and one person rarely or never cleans, cooks, washes up, launders sheets, that person is the problem.

If, however, one person launders and spends hours cleaning daily, the issue is different.

Having DC massively increases domestic work, so one person being crap or a big difference between a couple doesn’t bode well if one or both would like DC.

ladybee28 · 01/10/2019 12:32

Hygiene is a deal-breaker for me.

Taking longer than I would to wash the dishes, fine.

If a clean sink is important to me, I don't mind doing it more often than he does, because it's something I can do something about.

I won't be washing his arse, though, so unless he can maintain a standard I'm happy with, I'm out.

Loopytiles · 01/10/2019 12:33

Doing a fair share of domestic work, and NOT demonstrating (overt or hidden) sexist attitudes and behaviours about it, is part of being “a great person”, or indeed “adequate partner when cohabiting“.

Sadly, IME this means a LOT of men don’t fit either definition!

Loopytiles · 01/10/2019 12:35

“I’m just not bothered”, “I don’t notice it” and “your standards are too high” are fairly standard lines from people who don’t do a reasonable share and don’t want to!

Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2019 12:36

I could never be with a dirty, untidy slob. No way. It's just pure laziness.

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 01/10/2019 12:37

Definitely not. It may be a deal breaker for some but it absolutely is not a deal breaker in general.

My DP is basically a clean freak, I am basically dirty. It therefore happens that she ends up doing most of the cleaning chores etc which in isolation would of course not be fair so we make sure that other household tasks are shared out so that neither of us is over burdened.

Similarly I won't shower daily, in fact it's closer to weekly than daily but she is in there at least once a day. That doesn't pose an issue as I'd clean myself up if I needed to or if she suggested that I was in any way smelling unpleasant or whatever.

Things like this you need to work on as a couple, if you have expectations they need to be set out but so long as you are reasonable at communicating over issues then I see no reason why something like this should be a problem.

mindutopia · 01/10/2019 13:46

It's fine if they are less bothered by it, as long as they still pitch in and do 50-50 of all the jobs regardless. My dh is certainly less bothered by cleanliness. He doesn't shower on the weekends for instance as he's used to showering after work (and he doesn't work) - unless he gets particularly dirty doing something. I shower once a day regardless and literally will not go to bed without a shower. He doesn't care if the house is as tidy as I'd like it. He can live with dust and clutter and a much dirtier bathroom than I can cope with. That's fine. We are different people.

But it doesn't mean he can sit on his bum and not carry the load around the house because it doesn't annoy him as much. He still does the washing up. He still hoovers. He still cleans. Because we are a team and it's not my job to pick up after everyone - even if he could live in filth without freaking out the way I would.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 01/10/2019 14:34

I've got a friend who im very close to, who is very very lovely, intelligent, kind, funny but his house is a mess, stinky, needs a good clean and his clothes smell musty because they smell of his house. We've definitely got a 'thing' but i feel it will has no long term prospect of developing because we are so far apart on our standards of acceptable cleanliness. But i can't say i dont wonder if he would pull his weight if he knew that it would be a deal breaker. He is definitely able to compromise and be considerate. But ultimately he doesnt care about the cleanliness thing and i dont want to have a relationship where i become a nag about basic things....

OP posts:
ButchBitch · 01/10/2019 15:10

@inmyshoos I can't empathise much because I couldn't fancy someone whose clothes stink because his house is a cesspit. Boak.

A guy from work a few years ago asked me out and I refused because he had dirty finger nails Grin

However, I don't think it's a great start to relationship to be thinking "how can I get him to compromise on hygiene?"
I think you will occupy the "nagging woman" role from the get-go and that's not good.

sofato5miles · 01/10/2019 15:16

Dirty? No fucking way! I shower at least once a day. Dirty finger nails, smells? Ugh, ugh, ugh

But untidiness, meh. Not that bothered

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/10/2019 15:21

It depends on their approach.

He's messy and untidy and hates cleaning can go one of two ways. 'Okay, let's get a cleaner and negotiate the rest' or 'I don't see any mess, if it bothers you, you clean it up'.

First one could be relationship material, the second, never.

gostiwooz · 01/10/2019 15:29

It depends, really.

Is one person normally clean and tidy, or obsessive-compulsive about cleanliness? Is the other just a bit lazy or are they a filthy slob?

Original poster
inmyshoos · 01/10/2019 15:33

One person just normal... me... i think and have been super clean/tidy at stages of my life, think now ive had dc i am much more relaxed ... but not as relaxed as him.

Yeah normally id think boak too, but ive known this person years and they are so lovely in all other ways. I just wondered if this is a thing that can be sorted or would it always be an issue. If we became mire of a thing... currently its not a huge issue because we are mostly friends.

OP posts:
Jane1978xx · 01/10/2019 17:04

Not if he’s dirty no. Scruffy or a messy house (papers etc) is ok

milliefiori · 01/10/2019 17:11

I really couldn't date a man who didn't bathe or shower often. The rest is just organisation. You just suggest you clear the dishes after any meal or make a habit of changing the bed every Saturday morning. But the idea of having to nag a man to wash so he didn't smell? Ew.

SallyWD · 01/10/2019 17:23

When we met DH was much more in to cleaning and hygiene than me. I grew up in a dirty house where my parents didn't prioritise cleaning. DH grew up in an immaculate house. It was only through being with him that I learnt how to clean a house and it actually became important to me. So people can change and influence each other. If you have different standards to begin with it's not a deal breaker. If you still do after several years and you're driving each other mad, that's more of a problem.