How important are these things?

[inmyshoos]

Do you think in order to have a happy relationship you and any partner must have similar standards when it comes to cleanliness?

So if someone was a great person but less bothered about changing bedding, washing up, cleaning bathroom and showering everyday would you instantly think you'd never be compatible as it eould always be an issue?
Or do you think if they both wanted it to work they would find a compromise?... that hopefully wouldnt lead to a nagging/resentment situation years down the line?

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Are you actually attracted to him?

Are his current poor housekeeping and self care factors in him being single?

We got a cleaner to help with this

@Windydaysuponus he binned his linens?? He knows you're supposed to wash before the first use right?

If he thinks you accept him as he is now, and he hasn't bothered to tidy up or clean when he knows you're coming over, he certainly won't feel the need to change his habits.

Ok so to answer some of the questions...

Am i attracted to him... yes hugely. He is attractive, and kind and flirty and fun.
Do i find his level of cleanliness acceptable.... er no.

I nag him already, but as a friend so less stressy for both of us. He makes an effort if i nag, but would rather do things like make me cups of tea, buy me little thoughtful gifts etc...

I used to think he was single because of thsse things but it turns out he is just discreet and actually has had a few relationships and he usually finishes them. I know this is the case because i met somrone hevhad gone out with and she told me he ended it snd she thinks he is a commitment phobe....

I’d be more worried about the commitment phobe thing!

His dislike of domestic work and hygiene isn’t due to prioritising tea making and gift purchasing!

If it’s not a deal breaker for you, fair enough, but if you want to cohabit with a partner and have DC there are men out there who are good company, sexy, kind, AND competent adults!

Why would he need or want to be “discreet” about his relationships with his friends/you?

Sounds like he saw you as a potential girlfriend so didn’t tell you. Keeping you as an option.

It’s easy to be charming to a “friend”/potential GF.

loopy He is discreet as in he doesn't go broadcasting that he is dating. Not in any calculating way.
Maybe this particular woman who thought commitment phobe just wasn't for him?

He didnt see me as a potential gf as ive been married most of our friendship nut now single past few years.
I dont want dc with him. I have 3 of my own and getting too old. One of the reasons i doubt id want him as a partner is that i think he should have the chance to have dc of his own. He is much younger than me.

My DP lives in a flat share with his friend. His friend is filthy. The flat was minging when DP moved in and being a bit of a clean and tidy freak, I kind of just stood there not wanting to touch anything. I could not have a relationship with someone like that. Thankfully DP is clean and tidy too, not quite to my standards (house wise) but few people are so I don't expect it. The fact he actually tidies up and makes sure his bathroom is clean before I go round is great and I've realised how much I like that after a marriage where ex wasn't bothered and it was always down to me to micromanage it all which got on my nerves.

I'd want to explore just why a person who appears to be fun, flirty, good company etc is happy to have low domestic and personal cleanliness standards. Do they, perhaps, have the feeling that all this crap is 'someone else's job' and a wee bit of entitlement?

Because nobody on this planet enjoys cleaning toilets, emptying bins and scrubbing floors. You aren't meant to like it, you are meant to do it to keep up a basic standard.

I'd worry that 'commitmentphobe' is just looking for someone to do his domestic work for him.

and showering everyday – oohhhhhh ‘ick! Smelly dick here I come!
and his clothes smell musty because they smell of his house – and hell noooooo!!!!
But ultimately he doesn’t care about the cleanliness thing – big problems ahead for you here.
and he usually finishes them - Red flag!
and she thinks he is a commitment phobe.... - More red flags
He is much younger than me. - Is he even interested in you? This could all be totally moot.

@Zaphodsotherhead I think you’re right and that a sense of entitlement is usually a factor in people who don’t take personal responsibility for their circumstances and surroundings.

And if he really is happy to live in a messy dirty house then maybe not, and that’s his business. But if it came to living with someone with higher living standards you can’t go on just expecting them to do your share as well as theirs. That would be selfish.

And if somebody would be willing to be selfish around the house you can bet that it wouldn’t be the only area where selfishness and expectancy come in to play either.

Maybe I’m being cynical but in my opinion you should never go into a relationship hoping that someone will change. Some would say for you but I would say for themselves. To me, if somebody wanted to change then they would have done it by the time that they met you. And yes you could be just the influence they need, but more likely is that they’d change the issue you bring up and then resent it all when the honeymoon period is over and real life sets in. People are who they are and if you honestly can’t see yourself accepting the flaws and accepting them for who they are now forever, then I wouldn’t bother at all.

My husband and I are very different when it comes to cleanliness. We work because I enjoy taking care of the house. So long as you enjoy it and don't mind doing the majority it will work. If you want to share housework it will become a nagging arguing mess imo.