Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

17 year marriage is over.... but he's still in the house.

48 replies

Carrie1402 · 01/10/2019 11:29

so, married for 17 years, together 19, 1 DD of 15. Two weeks ago, he decided during an argument that he cares but is not in love with me anymore and asked for 7 days to sort himself out with somewhere to live. There's not a lot anyone can say when someone says that. He knows this is a difficult time ( mum with dementia just moved in as unable to care for herself anymore and DD in exam year) but wants to go. Marriage hasn't been great for many years but his words cut me like a knife. His behaviour since has been weird.... just carrying on as though all is normal and two weeks down the line, he's still here. Do I demand he goes now? I feel like I'm losing my mind.

OP posts:

Tilltheendoftheline · 01/10/2019 11:39

You can ask him to leave. Unfortunately you cant demand he goes.

The only thing you could do is initiate divorce proceedings and what happens with the house will be decided during the divorce.

You say the marriage hasnt been good for a while. Is it something counselling will help with. Do you want to continue with the marriage if he also does.

I think you need to decide what outcome you want before you do anything.

Original poster

Carrie1402 · 01/10/2019 11:47

Hi there, I asked if he would be prepared to go to counselling and if he was 100% sure and he said it's over, it's dead, I don't want to even try. I seem to have shut down emotionally..... usually the next day I would have approached him and said let's talk but I can't even fetch myself to look at him. I make sure DD and mum are fed and comfortable in an evening and then the minute I hear his key in the door, go and lock myself in the bedroom so I don;t have to see him. I'm sure he is only still here because he doesn;t want to look like a shit with the timing ( what others think is of paramount importance to him) and because he doesn;t get paid for 13 days and so is probably thinking how he will get anywhere with no money. It's just complete hell at the moment.

OP posts:

AmIThough · 01/10/2019 11:50

It's over and you need to accept that and start living separate lives.

Remain civil for your daughter.

Just casually ask him how the house hunt is going and when he's expecting to actually leave as you need to (presumably) sort benefits etc.
Let him know you're struggling with him being there and you'd like him to go as soon as he's able.
He can't stay because of other people's opinions, it's not fair on you.

LemonTT · 01/10/2019 11:52

I wouldn’t demand that he leaves yet. It could be counterproductive to create acrimony if none if needed. I realise that it is hurtful to be told he doesn’t love you, but at this stage he cares. This might be empty words but assume it isn’t and don’t throw away the sentiment.

Both of you own the house and everything in it. At some point they will be divided between you in a way that you both have homes. This is final and formal . Right now he will move out and he will need to pay for a new home. Your joint finances are going to be stretched unless you are very rich. Your lives and your futures will change.

Ask him what his immediate plans are and be specific about money and his ongoing contribution. At the same time get qualified advice about what you may be entitled to. Then compare it to what he has offered. If it is reasonable then you have avoided confrontation.

Demands and threats elicit demands and threats. This will cost you time and money and give you further stress. Find some other ways to deal with the stress. But at this stage he has said he is leaving, it will take more than a week to sort that out.

Original poster

Carrie1402 · 01/10/2019 12:03

very fair comments. My main concern is my daughter is not hurt any more than she has to be. I have always been the main breadwinner, he basically wanted to stay at home with our child and did so for 10 years ( although somehow from the age of 2 I paid for a child minder for her.... boy, looking back I've been a mug) and the mortgage is in my name only. I think asking what he has arranged is the way to go rather than demanding he leave immediately. I'll do that tonight. Wish me luck x

OP posts:

AmIThough · 01/10/2019 12:08

Good luck 🤞🏻

If he's dragging his feet ask him his budget and tell him you'll help him look

Bewilderedmumma · 01/10/2019 12:09

Good luck xx my ex moved out several weeks ago after first telling me he wanted a divorce almost a year ago. He actually ended our relationship 5-6 weeks before he left and moved in with his folks. Hope all goes well with your chat. I’ve made such an effort for things to be amicable for our kids but it is so hard when he doesn’t seem to have any emotional attachment to me at all. Let us know how you get on x

Original poster

Carrie1402 · 01/10/2019 12:18

Bless you Bewilderedmumma. I'm still in touch with his mum, he isn't, and she has made it clear she does not want him back there. It's not only me he has been horrible to over the last few years but his family and friends too. Part of me worries for him, but another part thinks he will now start to reap what he has sown. But my DD.... she will be devastated if he ends up in a mess. It's so awful. Can't even begin to deal with my own loss.... just so worried for her x

OP posts:

Spritesobright · 01/10/2019 12:52

Ugh, the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech is such a cliche.

Mine did the same thing. Decided he needed to leave because marriage wasn't "exciting" any more, but wouldn't work at it with me. Once someone has made up their mind there is little reasoning possible.
It took about a month for him to move out from that point. And yes, it's agony. Friends suggested I stop interacting as much as possible and to treat him "like a work colleague who is likely to stab you in the back." This is so that you can emotionally disengage from him, just as he's done from you.

Two months later I found out he'd been having an affair for 6 months. A year later he had broken up with OW, still wasn't happy and admitted that him leaving had nothing to do with the marriage and everything to do with him.
So I guess I'm saying - don't blame yourself, or try to change his mind. Try to just move on without him and let him go. Set a date for him leaving and ask him to stick to it.

The whole "I still care" thing is just a way for him to try and ease his guilty conscience, so don't fall for it.

Spritesobright · 01/10/2019 12:55

And yes, it's shit having to tell your children and you will likely have to deal with the emotional fallout as the 'safe' parent. But if he continues to see her (and you must try to facilitate this as much as possible) then they realise that they still have both parents, just separately.

Mine actually have a better relationship now with their father because he HAS to parent them if wants to see him. And luckily he has.

Original poster

Carrie1402 · 01/10/2019 13:03

Thank you Spritesoright. yes, agreed, a classic cliche. I'm sitting here just thinking about the years gone by and things are becoming clearer. How I paid for a child minder and paid for a cleaner while he basically say on his bum for 10 years playing computer games. I've been a fool, and now this fool is being kicked while at a low ebb. I'm a strong woman, I will get through this and care for both my mum and my daughter. I'm pretty sure that there will be a woman involved somewhere too.... his behaviour changed about 2 years ago when he finally got a job at a place that is full of young and flirtatious girls. Have I been wrong is the marriage? Of course I have. But I can say with my hand on my heart I've been a much better wife to him than he has been husband to me. Feel like shit, feel frightened and like I'll never get over this x

OP posts:

Original poster

Carrie1402 · 01/10/2019 13:08

and yes, he may finally start to parent. It's the lies I can't stand. For the first week after this happened DD was ill with a nasty virus. He didn;t even pop his head into her room to ask how she was. Last week he went away on a hobby ( obviously really trying to save money to get out!) and when he came back he said " I did message DD while I was away you know" No he didn't! My DD told me her dad hadn't been in touch although she'd message him to ask him something. Obviously. I made an excuse that where he was had no signal. I would never want her to feel she isn;t important. x

OP posts:

Donatello68 · 01/10/2019 13:14

I feel your pain OP. My ex and I shared a house for a year after I started divorce proceedings. It was absolute hell for me and the DC. Try and get him out as soon as possible. It only leads to more and more resentment.

cinderellainyellakissedafella · 01/10/2019 13:17

Hi op
Thankfully at 15 your dd is mature enough to cope with all this and will decide who she lives with. Just ask him to leave and start divorce proceedings.

Original poster

Carrie1402 · 01/10/2019 13:24

wow I never even give the thought she may want to go with him a thought!. That would kill me! Literally!

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 01/10/2019 13:27

He hashad a great life fannying about doing hobbies andplaying on the xbox and you didn't notice he was taking the piss now something isn't suiting him (maybe your mum) andhe has dumped thison you , Yourdd deserves better doesn't she ? ask hi m when he is moving out.

Original poster

Carrie1402 · 01/10/2019 13:35

Mrsjayy. You are spot on. Did I notice. yes. was I distracted trying to ensure there was enough money coming in? yep. I know I've been a mug. I can see it. Some people were brave enough to tell me, but OH told me they were liars and manipulators. I see it now for what it is. He has isolated me from friends and family that told me the truth. I feel completely stupid. I'm asking him tonight.

OP posts:

guffaux · 01/10/2019 14:59

you need to seek legal advice as soon as possible; from the sound of your relationship history and his working history, he is the type to rinse you- he'll look out for himself, half the marital assets (regardless that the house is in your name and you've contributed more financially) and I'd bet he'll go after your pension too.

This happened to a friend of mine - she paid for him all their married life and even when he left her she's still paying-had to work much longer than she intended because half her pension went to him.

Original poster

Carrie1402 · 01/10/2019 15:01

oh Christ.

OP posts:

guffaux · 01/10/2019 15:40

- didn't mean to alarm you -just to advise you to arm yourself with good legal advice- i wish you and you daughter the very best outcome

Mrsjayy · 01/10/2019 16:21

You are not 1 bit stupid you were wanting a quiet life a doddiling along life for your Dd you were trying to survive day to day but you are not stupid, good luck with the talk you and your Dd will be fine

Johnsonsfiat · 01/10/2019 16:27

I think you need to get him moving on as soon as possible. He's taken your money, time and love for long enough

NewMe2019 · 01/10/2019 16:36

Why is it a cliche? People do fall out of love. I fell out of love with my exH and ended the marriage. It was a fact of life not a cliche.

Me and exH lived together for 6 months after we split. It got unbearable in the end even though we were fairly amicable, it definitely went downhill in that time, although thankfully better now. My ex needed time to save for deposit and rent and couldn't actually just move out.

Original poster

Carrie1402 · 01/10/2019 16:45

NewMe2019. I agree, it does happen. And good on you for moving on. Did you have children?
I just asked my dear old mum about this, she can still be with it at times. She was married for 55 years. She said that she thinks that she was in and out of love with my dad many times in their marriage. The thing that mattered to her was loving him and knowing he loved her and that they weren't going anywhere. ever.

OP posts:

Bewilderedmumma · 01/10/2019 21:29

Any update Carrie, how did you get on? Xx

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread