17 year marriage is over.... but he's still in the house.

[Carrie1402]

so, married for 17 years, together 19, 1 DD of 15. Two weeks ago, he decided during an argument that he cares but is not in love with me anymore and asked for 7 days to sort himself out with somewhere to live. There's not a lot anyone can say when someone says that. He knows this is a difficult time ( mum with dementia just moved in as unable to care for herself anymore and DD in exam year) but wants to go. Marriage hasn't been great for many years but his words cut me like a knife. His behaviour since has been weird.... just carrying on as though all is normal and two weeks down the line, he's still here. Do I demand he goes now? I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Hiya Bewilderedmumma, he didn't get home until 10 PM. I casually said "do you think we should have a chat about arrangements?" quite nicely and quietly and got told he was very tired and not in the mood to listen to me wittering on.
So, I'm no further on. I feel trapped and desperate. I'm just getting ready for another day of fixing a smile on my face. I'm not sure how much more I can take x Thanks for checking in on me, I do appreciate it. x

@37Carrie1402 I do have DCs. It was hard for them at first but they seemed to adapt quite quickly. The worse bit was the longer he lived here, the worse the atmosphere got and the DCs were suffering because they kept seeing ex get upset which really impacted them, probably more than anything else.

Thankfully things settled down quickly after he left but living together for those 6 months was tough. We agreed early on it would be 6 months as he worked out what he needed to save. Nearer the end though I had to push it as he was in no rush and was dithering about finding a flat. Luckily because we told the DCs it was going to be 6 months, I reminded ex we needed to stick to that to avoid confusing them.

It sounds like he's going to avoid this OP. I'd force the issue. He doesn't get to dump this on you then not bother to communicate or do anything about it. If he won't speak, then message him and make it clear he has made his wishes clear and you want him to get on with it so you can move on.

yes NewMe2019 , things are getting worse here too. A friend mentioned that I actually got a pre-nup in place when DH moved in with me 19 years ago. I was quite a savvy girl back then. I haven't a clue where it is and I haven't a clue whether it just pertained to the house we had then. I'm going to phone the solicitor and see if they have a copy.
It looks like a message is the only way for me to go; he obviously has no intention on sitting down and discussing it. I'll start thinking of what to say. x

NewMe2019 it comes from the midlife crisis script
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script
Which is spot on what my ex did. That's probably not what you went through (or the OP) but I think as a phrase, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" gets used as shorthand for " I'm having an affair but can't admit it" or "I'm depressed and think you should be making me happy" or just, "I can't be bothered to try and reconnect now that we've hit some bumps."

Carrie that's good news about the prenup. Even if it doesn't hold up though, you'll be fine. Better to have his dead weight off your back.

Sent a polite message yesterday asking if he had managed to make any arrangements. No response. Had to ask him to give me access to a website he uses to pay a bill i knew was due last night. He asked me why and that he would do it. and that's been it, no communication. Looking at it with a detached eye...... why should he do anything? He still has a roof over his head, his washing and ironing done and a clean house. Really don;t know where to go from here. I guess I'll have to hit him with divorce papers and see if that makes him do something.

Are you doing his washing and ironing?

yeah..... didn't think about it til this morning, just been on auto-pilot. I need to stop.

I’d recommend you see a solicitor . As you’re married all your assets and pension are effectively shared . It matters not one jot that the mortgage is in your name and you’re the one that’s paid for most things . Be one step ahead and forearmed ( maybe he already is ? ) .

He might be after your mum's assets as well.
A friend's husband waited till her dad went, he was a lazy bum and got 40% of everything.

his washing and ironing done and a clean house
Say what.....!!??????
Stop it right now.
No cooking for him. No shopping. No cleaning. No washing. No ironing. Make his life as miserable as possible when he is in the house.
That should be a no-brainer OP.
Start from now.
Any mess gets put into bin bags and put by his bed.

Stop pandering to him.
Stop trying to reason with him or talk to him.
I'd honestly start bagging up his stuff.
Tell him he has until next Friday to sort something out.
And follow through.
You are being waaaaaay too passive here.
Take back control of your life - NOW!!!

Please, please stop doing his laundry!

Oh! And tell people you’re splitting up, make sure they know it was decision. Don’t keep his secretary

Secrets!!!! Not secretary!!!!!

Thanks Ladies. Yes to all. He has beaten me down, I hardly know myself. I used to be so strong and independent. And a friend mentioned to me he might be waiting for mum to pass. If that's true, he is an asshole of the highest order. Can feel myself starting to burn with rage.

If you start the divorce now, there are things you can do to protect your mum's assets, including anything just going to DD till she is say 25. Then he is stuffed.

Please seek legal advice as soon as possible. Make the appointment, take a day off work do it at the first appointment they have free. Do your homework so you employ one with a good reputation.
Its money worth spending.

Appointment with a solicitor at 10am on Monday. He's had it way too good for way too long. Had enough. If he wants out.... then out he will go. And I'll fight him for my assets tooth and nail. I've rung all my family and told them what is going on. They have all breathed a sigh of relief and asked why I haven;t been able to see how abusive he is all these years.

Oh OP, I'm sorry. I think it's easy to not realise a relationship is abusive because you think the best of your partner and want to make it work.
It's a jolt realising what it's got to and how much of your power and self you gave it. But you will get those back. Well done booking your appointment with the solicitor and telling people.
You're doing all the right things.

and asked why I haven;t been able to see how abusive he is all these years
Bless family. They saw it and now you are seeing it.
I'm glad they are supportive of this.
So pleased you are getting legal advice.
Have you managed to track down the pre-nup?

still waiting. It was 19 years ago so it's been archived. Thank you all for the kind words.... it's totally shit right now but I know it's time. I think looking back he has tried to destroy me, the successful, busy woman I was with a huge circle of friends and he's pretty much managed to do it. But now I'm finding the anger, so maybe there's a bit of that woman left. I was going to leave telling DD to him as I felt it was his responsibility as he wanted to leave but I think he'll slide out of that too.