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Original poster

Is it ever a good idea to start seeing a man who has a fairly young baby but isn't with the mum anymore?

36 replies

Frolicsandfiddledeedees · 30/09/2019 21:16

I really like him so far and he doesn't set off any of my spidey senses. Have been asked for a second date and I'd really like to get to know him better. Very respectful so far and it's only drinks, nothing more yet.

He has an older child (young teen) from his marriage which ended amicably several years ago and is on genuinely friendly terms with the ex wife (good enough terms to share a bottle of wine over a meal and chat about their child/make big decisions together, and stay over there every now and then for big occasions like birthdays, have each other on FB and share photos etc) and sees their child regularly etc. Speaks highly of his ex wife (but clearly completely over her) and she is remarried now.

But. There's always a but. He had a short relationship (under 12 months) that resulted in his other child who is under 12 months old. He sees the baby regularly, including overnights, and has never bad mouthed the mum to me. He has mentioned that it was a difficult relationship but hasn't volunteered more and I haven't asked much beyond the basics. I do know (from FB snooping Blush) that she has posted saying she pushed him away and regrets it.

Overall he is very clear that his children are a priority and that his time with them is non negotiable (obviously as it should be). I don't get the feeling he's a Disney dad etc at all.

But it feels a bit... I don't know... I just know how I'd feel if the father of my baby had left and was dating again before they had even turned 1. I want to know if he pays proper maintenance for them both for a start and am working on a tactful way to find out (suggestions welcome)! If he doesn't that's obviously a massive red flag.

What does anyone else think? Is this enough to sack him off or is it worth getting to know him? If it helps, I have no intention of having more children and I don't want anything massively serious myself right now, just a bit of good company tbh!

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 30/09/2019 21:40

In honesty I wouldn't. There are literally billions of men out there.

Leftielefterson · 30/09/2019 21:42

I think you need the answer to your questions from the guy OP. Worth understanding if it was a planned pregnancy. It sounds like a very good sign that he’s actively involved in his babies life and that he has good relationships with both exes. Also worth finding out when they split up to ensure you’re not a rebound.

How would you feel about having a baby in your life? I guess if you’re interested the baby would come as part of the package deal.

I’d definitely ask the questions to enable you to understand what kind of guy you’re dealing with.

I know of a woman who took a guy back who had got his girlfriend pregnant (he pushed for it) it didn’t end well for her. Don’t be that desperate woman, make sure he’s decent.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/09/2019 21:44

Nope

AnotherEmma · 30/09/2019 21:45

Nope, sorry.
It's not just the baby, he also has an ex wife and an older child. Which wouldn't be a big issue by itself but with the baby too it's all too much.
Some people might say you shouldn't judge and should give him a chance, but I've spent too much time on mumsnet to be optimistic!

Pinkbonbon · 30/09/2019 21:49

So his ex posted about 'pushing him away' on his social media. I'd avoid him for that reason alone as it sounds like the woman he will be forever tied to through a child, is an attention seeking weirdo. Or worse, he's made her one.

Pass.

Simonsaysitschristmas · 30/09/2019 21:59

I’ll go against the grain here and say I would. At least a few more dates, it may fizz out anyway and then at least you know you gave it a fair chance.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2019 22:04

I wouldn’t.

DBML · 30/09/2019 22:10

No. Far too much baggage and I wouldn’t want to play a role in supporting him bringing up a baby.

SmallAndFarAway · 30/09/2019 22:13

My best friend did and they're still together fifteen years later, so works for some!

crimsonlake · 30/09/2019 22:22

Unless I am mistaken considering you have only had 1 date you know an awful lot about him. I thought first dates were general chit chats and seeing if you liked each other enough to have a second one. I think he has overshared.

SherbetSaucer · 30/09/2019 22:28

If I were single I’d never ever consider a guy who already had a child/children. It makes it all so much more complicated. Don’t need the baggage!

Graphista · 30/09/2019 22:34

Sorry but -

For starters is what you "know" about him and his ex's purely from what he's told you and what you can see on Facebook?

I wouldn't be assuming he is being completely accurate.

Secondly he really has no business dating while his 2nd child is so young and he's by the sound of things still working out how co-parenting with his ex will work, plus they must have split pretty recently so he's likely on the rebound with his head all over the place even IF he is a decent man PLUS he is parenting another child.

It all sounds far too messy, I'd steer well clear if I were you.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 30/09/2019 22:43

Way too messy. Nope from me!

RainMinusBow · 30/09/2019 22:52

I know my situation is very different but to the poster who said if they were single they wouldn't date someone with children as too much "baggage"... not everyone sees kids as "baggage" thankfully!

My fiancé was 41 when we met (I was 36), no children of his own. He had been married for quite some time but they couldn't have children and he had come to terms with the fact he probably would never be a biological dad. He actively wanted to find someone with children already.

I have two boys from my first marriage-they were 7 and 9 when they first met him. He was delighted to become a part of our family. My kids were never "baggage".

I'm now pregnant (early on) so all being well he will become a bio daddy after all 😊

As for would I date a man with a young baby if I was single? I can't say with certainty I'd rule it out. However, I'd want to be sure I knew the whole story first and was as confident as I could be with what went on. I dated men before meeting my fiancé that did have kids and often they only ever paint you the picture they want you to hear.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/09/2019 23:02

I'd want to know how long they'd been seperated as I wouldn't want to be the rebound, and how long they'd been together when she got pregnant (did he dump her as soon as he found out?)

As long as you dint expect him to change anything he does with his kids, I'd probably give it a few more dates to see. People have accidental pregnancies, it doesn't mean they should stay together or they're both obliged to be single for 16 years

CornishMaid1 · 30/09/2019 23:03

I would not rule him out unless you know for sure you do not want the potential of being a stepmum in the future.

You do need to find out more though. If they split very recently then you may feel differently than if they had a bad relationship, they had an unplanned pregnancy and they split then but he is still there to support his child.

LittleAndOften · 30/09/2019 23:07

It sounds like a complicated situation. Do you really want to put yourself in the middle of that?

katalavenete · 30/09/2019 23:12

I wouldn't want to get involved in all that.

Lana08 · 30/09/2019 23:16

Would be a definite no from me.

Therewearethen1 · 30/09/2019 23:18

My husband and I got together when DSD was 1 and she was the result of a friends with benefits type setup, and everything was (and still is) very amicable. I think the older teen further complicates it though as my concern then would be if you two sent on to have a child he's got access arrangements for three children to manoeuvre which is just a headache.

Oysterbabe · 01/10/2019 02:12

Do you want to have children one day too?

I wouldn't date a man with kids and I definitely wouldn't date one with 2 by different women, way too much hassle. Every weekend will be taken up with contact time.

virginpinkmartini · 01/10/2019 02:31

I don't think you should get involved, unless you have children of your own from a past relationship.

I don't get why you would put yourself in this situation if you don't have to. The baby is really young, and you don't know the real story with the mum/ what the future holds. Don't do it to yourself. You want to have your 'firsts' with someone else going through the same thing.

LemonTT · 01/10/2019 08:25

It’s a proceed with caution from me. There is nothing in your post to imply or infer any red flags that mean he would treat you badly or behave irresponsibly. Mostly the opposite in fact.

Children are not baggage. It is a history of ongoing bad relationships that forms baggage. For example acrimony with an ex or estrangement from his children.

If you like him carry on dating. If you start getting genuine feelings then tell him and use that as a prompt to say you want to talk about his past. Meet his friends and test what you have been told. Be clear about your boundaries and stick to them.

It’s better for you to be in a healthy stable relationship, it’s better for him. That means it will be good for the child too.

elizalovelace · 01/10/2019 09:14

Absolutely definitely no. Two children with two mums already to have to take into consideration? No no and no again.

RLEOM · 01/10/2019 10:34

What @Pinkbonbon said.

Anyone can put on a good show and tell you what you want to hear. My ex told everyone that I was getting on his nerves and that I left because I didn't want us to live as a family (we have a baby together). Biggest load of bullshit. I left because he was a porn addict who was having an emotional affair with his female friend who he would invite round every weekend after our daughter was born.

There's a reason he's got 2 children with 2 different women. And if his ex is airing her laundry on social media, he's probably driven her nuts.

I could be wrong but I'd avoid like the plague. Unless you want to be baby mumma number 3?

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