Is it ever a good idea to start seeing a man who has a fairly young baby but isn't with the mum anymore?

[Frolicsandfiddledeedees]

I really like him so far and he doesn't set off any of my spidey senses. Have been asked for a second date and I'd really like to get to know him better. Very respectful so far and it's only drinks, nothing more yet.

He has an older child (young teen) from his marriage which ended amicably several years ago and is on genuinely friendly terms with the ex wife (good enough terms to share a bottle of wine over a meal and chat about their child/make big decisions together, and stay over there every now and then for big occasions like birthdays, have each other on FB and share photos etc) and sees their child regularly etc. Speaks highly of his ex wife (but clearly completely over her) and she is remarried now.

But. There's always a but. He had a short relationship (under 12 months) that resulted in his other child who is under 12 months old. He sees the baby regularly, including overnights, and has never bad mouthed the mum to me. He has mentioned that it was a difficult relationship but hasn't volunteered more and I haven't asked much beyond the basics. I do know (from FB snooping ) that she has posted saying she pushed him away and regrets it.

Overall he is very clear that his children are a priority and that his time with them is non negotiable (obviously as it should be). I don't get the feeling he's a Disney dad etc at all.

But it feels a bit... I don't know... I just know how I'd feel if the father of my baby had left and was dating again before they had even turned 1. I want to know if he pays proper maintenance for them both for a start and am working on a tactful way to find out (suggestions welcome)! If he doesn't that's obviously a massive red flag.

What does anyone else think? Is this enough to sack him off or is it worth getting to know him? If it helps, I have no intention of having more children and I don't want anything massively serious myself right now, just a bit of good company tbh!

I can’t believe the judgmental tone here. If a bloke came on saying that he wanted to date a woman who had two children by two different fathers and he was concerned about it everyone would be rushing to condemn his attitude. Give the poor guy a chance, please.

No way.
I don't know how old your DC are but I'd pass unless you're keen on raising another baby again.

My kids are grown and no way I'd want baby duty again.

As for being judgmental, if a man gets with a woman with young children, he doesn't really have to take care of them.

Most women getting involved with men with young children,end up doing the care for them while they are there.

@EpicDay agree. Presumably anyone on here with kids to two dads asking for relationship advice will be told not to date as they clearly aren't suitable dating material

Nope, too much baggage for me
It's not being judgemental to have dealbreakers or want to date someone who doesn't have children

I wouldn't personally because I don't want more children and I wouldn't want a baby around all the time again and I wouldn't want to be involved in bringing up the baby when I am done with children.

The reasons he has 2 children though wouldn't bother me. Far too much judgement on here about a man with 2 children, with a large gap, with 2 different women.

Two children by two different women sounds complicated. I would personally run a mile.

Im there OP, My DH has a baby 3 weekends out of 4... its hard work, especially when im done with babies myself. It was the same thing, a short relationship and the little one was not planned (although very much loved)...
Now i spend 3 weekends out of 4 with a now 3 year old thats not mine while my only child is at her dads,,, its not ideal tbh. and yes its my choice.. but wow if id known then what i do now i might have stayed away. Theres a lot of plans we have to keep on the back burner until he is old enough.. like moving abroad. DH has two lovely girls who are 9 and 7 , they are awesome. But doing the baby thing when the baby isnt yours isnt fun at all :-(

Are you keen to have babies?

Op it sounds like you already have children? If so, aren't you both in similar boats? If you don't want something serious now anyway, then why not get to know him.... ask him the sensible questions you have in good time and go from there.

I think if we rule out loads of people based on these kind of things it makes it very hard to be happy.

My man would not have fit any of my 'sensible criteria' ..... gosh the happiness I would have missed out on if I had ruled him out for these reasons! Everybody has their challenges and brings their 'stuff'.... if it wasn't this it would be something else.

I met my partner when my DS was 18 months and my DD was 7, his DD was 3 and DS was 8. Weekends were a bit chaotic but we made it work and are still together 16 years later.

However when we met I was late 20's and he was early 30's now all our DC's are adults apart from DS 17 (going to uni next year) and we are mid/late 40's. If we were to ever separate (hopefully not!) I would not want to go through the "baby" stage again with anyone.

How long has he been separated? If it is a recent separation with a very young baby then I would not get involved as this time can be very difficult emotional time for all people involved.

You have said you don't want anything serious at the moment, does he feel the same way? As long as he has been separated for over 6 months and he is a decent person and you both agree to just keep it casual for the foreseeable future then I see no issue in going on a few fun dates.

If the relationship develops into something potentially serious I think then you would have to seriously look at if the situation works for you both.

Having two children by different mothers would not bother me at all, he sounds as if he has a respectful, amicable and healthy co parent relationship with his first child's mum so that is a big positive in my eyes.

oh god why would you put yourself through this OP? There are so many other men out there.

I know someone who did this, very stupidly (although neither she nor her bf knew the ex was pregnant when they got together and there had been nothing to suggest that he had been in a serious relationship) and the ex turned out to be an absolute insane loon, stalking them both and determined to get back with him at all costs despite how he'd treated her. At the centre of it all the bloke loving all the attention and treating both women dreadfully.

This woman is already on social media stating her regrets.

Even if it all works out, you'd have to parent this child for the next 18 years and be involved with the ex. Run!