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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel stupid asking for this advice!

48 replies

Confused80 · 30/09/2019 14:07

Hi all, I've come to this site to hopefully get some advice about something, and after reading some of the other threads and the serious relationship issues people are going through, I feel like an idiot to even bring this up...but it's been doing my brain in for nearly 14 years now, I can't talk to my friends about it and as I'm getting older (I'm 40 next year), I feel like I need to seize the moment so I have no regrets. You're probably wondering what I'm banging on about...I'll get to the point.

I met a guy back in my mid-20's...my group of friends came to together with his group and we hit it off well, many nights out all together resulted in lots of flirting and us hanging out together away from the group. He drunkenly told me on a few occasions he wanted to kiss me but never actually did...I don't know why, there were plenty of opportunities for that to happen, and in a way I'm still kicking myself for not just instigating it myself! I think I was always probably a bit wary of how serious he was about liking me because I've never thought I was pretty and there were probably occasions at nightclubs where I'd see him chatting to other girls, so I'd think he was just playing me...but he'd always come back to me and we'd continue the the "does he like me/does she like me? who is going to make the first move" routine.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of years, we both got together with different people - my relationship lasted a year, then we split, but his has continued til now, they have a child together but I know he's not happy with her (she is very loud, attention seeking, embarrassing when we're out). To throw another clanger in, 6 years ago I married his best mate and of course my husband wanted his best mate to be our best man.

Now I want to get one thing straight here - I absolutely love my husband, I would NEVER cheat on him, he's amazing and treats me very well. His friend is still in our life, he always will be and there's no getting away from that.

But I find that when we see each other, there is this awkwardness...it's like we're both thinking back to those earlier days and what could have been if one of us had just done something about it! I try to just be normal with him like I am with my other male friends, but it's still awkward....hugging/kissing on the cheek goodbye is definitely weird...it's like he doesn't know if it's ok to do that with me and is hesitant.

I churn it all around in my head "was he serious? did he want to be with me? did I mean something to him? Should I have done something about it? should it have been him and I that got together?", and in all honesty, I just want to know. I don't want to be laying there on my deathbed still wondering what he was really thinking all those years ago! lol.

So I'm thinking, to clear the awkwardness and to get answers to what I want to know, should I just have it out with him and ask him? And if so, how should I do this - ask to meet up? Or just message him?

Or should I just accept that I'll never know and things just keep being awkward with us....argh!!!

Ok...I'm ready for it....hit me with your thoughts....Thanks!

OP posts:

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 30/09/2019 14:31

to get answers to what I want to know, should I just have it out with him and ask him?

There isn't any need. You already know the answer so I'm not sure what you are really asking or what you really want to know?

He told you that he liked you, he waited for you to give him any green light to proceed and he never got it so he moved on with his life.

So ask yourself honestly what you want from him? Don't ask him what he's willing to give because that is neither here nor there right now. Just decide if you are maybe just romanticising those youthful days or is it something more? Is there a problem at home that you can't admit to?

Original poster

Confused80 · 30/09/2019 15:03

Thanks for your reply SellmeyourMLMcrap...you have raised a good few points there and have got me thinking.

I'd always seen it as it was him that went cold on me, but hadn't thought it could've been a case of him thinking I wasn't interested at the time...I thought I'd made it very clear, but maybe I hadn't. In any case, you're right....I should've always known what he thought so no need to ask him anything now.

No problems at home, and my husband knows his friend and I were once quite close, so no big secret there. I just want to relieve this awkwardness I sense from him when we're in each other's company...it's to the point where if we're having our friends over to our house, he makes excuses to not stick around too long, which adds to me sensing something isn't right....and it's been like this for years, not a new thing. I guess if he's going to be in the picture for the next 30+ years, I want to do anything I can to make things cool with us and the situation, so was wondering if there is anything I could do, i.e. have the chat.

OP posts:

italianfiat · 30/09/2019 15:06

Someone drunk said they wanted to kiss you a few times FOURTEEN years ago and you are stressing out over it now!

Seriously, i would have barely given that kind of thing a second thought at the time, let alone years later 🤷‍♀️

Dafspunk · 30/09/2019 15:12

I think you may find that this perceived awkwardness is all in your head, OP.

RantyAnty · 30/09/2019 15:15

Chances are you're the only one thinking about it. He most likely doesn't remember his awkward drunken words all those years ago. Very likely he was drunk and horny and that's all it was.

Interestedwoman · 30/09/2019 15:18

@Italianfiat There are people I was attracted to years ago and it was tempting to resolve that 'unfinished business.' I suppose it depends how strongly people are attracted to each other at the time how much they remember and how much they are still curious.

OP- I just have a feeling you risk opening a can of worms if you say anything, unless maybe you just make a joke of it to clear the air. I think your husband would feel a bit weird about you msging or meeting up with the guy to discuss it.

Is all ok at home? Maybe you're a bit bored, or horny?

italianfiat · 30/09/2019 15:20

Curious is one thing, but if you read the OP it seems much more than simple curiosity.

Original poster

Confused80 · 30/09/2019 15:20

Hmm, if it had been a random drunk guy as you put it ItalianFiat, then obviously it wouldn't matter as I'd never have seen him again and I would have completely forgotten about it by now. Bit different when the guy in question is still around and in your life.

I'm not the only one who had noticed his awkwardness, my husband and my best girl mate has noted it in the past as well, so don't think it's just all in my head.

OP posts:

italianfiat · 30/09/2019 15:23

I wasn't suggesting it was in your head, simply that being so fixated on something like that isn't normal or healthy.

TheStuffedPenguin · 30/09/2019 15:26

You say he's not happy with his wife - so what are you insinuating/why say this ? That if he said yes he had wanted something with you then you would go for it now ?

Original poster

Confused80 · 30/09/2019 15:26

Thanks InterestedWoman - I agree, I wouldn't feel right suggesting meeting up because it would be very unusual for us to meet up on our own. I guess if the conversation ever did arise, I'd approach it then and try to make a bit of a joke out of it. Forgot to mention as well, he has tried to talk to me on my own when my husband wasn't about, but I swerved it.

Everything is very good at home thanks, no worries in that dept ;-)

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2019 15:29

Do you still fancy him op? Deep down is this is what this is about? You still fancy him and want to know if he fancied you?

Original poster

Confused80 · 30/09/2019 15:32

Wow....you make me sound like I'm some sort of nutcase ItalianFiat lol, thanks!

TheStuffed Penguin - she's not his wife, she's been a very on and off again gf. There was no particular reason I mentioned it, just giving an overview of the backstory. I've already said in my OP that I would never cheat on my husband, and I'm not interested in resolving "unfinished business".

OP posts:

TheStuffedPenguin · 30/09/2019 15:35

I don't believe you confused80

Original poster

Confused80 · 30/09/2019 15:36

Bluntness100 - no, he hasn't aged too well lol definitely don't fancy him

OP posts:

TheStuffedPenguin · 30/09/2019 15:38

So if all you say is true then you just want to know if he would have pursued a relationship with you if you had been agreeable back then ?

Original poster

Confused80 · 30/09/2019 15:41

TheStuffedPenguin80 - ok, well that's you're opinion of someone you've never met. I have been cheated on before by my previous boyfriend who I thought was going to be the guy I married - his deceit made me ill and I'd never put someone else through that, especially with my husband who I'm very happy with.

OP posts:

Someoneontheweb · 30/09/2019 15:41

It sounds to me like you are having a case of the one that got away. Whatever he may have felt in the past he was obviously over you because he went on to marry someone else, same as you. The fact that she's loud or whatever is your assessment not his, or he's free to divorce her.
If you approach him on this the options are: 1) you embarrass yourself because he has no interest in you, or 2) you instigate an affair because of your "special connection", which your "seize the moment" comment seems to point to as your preferred option.
My advice: you're not 20 anymore, the past isn't coming back and nothing good will come out of pursuing this.

Original poster

Confused80 · 30/09/2019 15:53

If I do bring this up with him, I guess what I want to know is why he's weird and awkward around me, and what we can do to resolve it....or maybe I just need to swerve him altogether, make it a lot easier.

Ever felt like you probably shouldn't have bothered posting on a thread before? lol All opinions are greatly received (apart from the not being normal or healthy one!).

I guess you have all answered my dilemma - and I was stupid to post on here lol Lesson learned! :-)

OP posts:

Tmnmpa1 · 30/09/2019 15:59

I think just forget about it. Theres literally no gains to be had on having a convo or continuing to think about this.

Tmnmpa1 · 30/09/2019 16:00

But also dont feel stupid for asking the question....that's what mumsnet is for!

WickedLemon · 30/09/2019 16:03

It’s very possible that you are behaving weird and awkward around him, and he’s picked up on that so he feels awkward around you.

I mean, you seem unhealthily fixated on the fact that 15 years ago some bloke drunkenly told you he wanted to kiss you. Friend or not, still in contact or not, most people would have got over that long ago, it wouldn’t be “doing my brain in for nearly 14 years”. That’s not normal.

I think this is all in your head, and you run the risk of completely embarrassing yourself if you try and talk to him about this.

italianfiat · 30/09/2019 16:03

Wow....you make me sound like I'm some sort of nutcase ItalianFiat lol, thanks!

Not a nutcase, no, but you are fixating on something from years ago which is a bit odd considering you say you don't fancy him anyway.

All opinions are greatly received (apart from the not being normal or healthy one!).

So you literally want people to just tell you it's fine?

Original poster

Confused80 · 30/09/2019 16:04

Someoneontheweb - I think the seize the moment comment I made has been misinterpreted a bit - I meant that in the sense of basically getting the guts to bring this up with him and talk it out because his awkwardness around me has gone on for years. Bad choice of phrase in hindsight - I'm not good with writing!

But I agree with you in that there are very limited ways this would eventually pan out and so it's probably worth just leaving it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Confused80 · 30/09/2019 16:11

Thanks everyone, well...I'm going to take my not normal, unhealthily fixated brain and hang out with him the weekend after next because we have another gathering of a few of us....and I will keep very tight lipped and say nothing. Best to take this one to the grave. Thanks for all your input :-)

OP posts:

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