I feel stupid asking for this advice!

[Confused80]

Hi all, I've come to this site to hopefully get some advice about something, and after reading some of the other threads and the serious relationship issues people are going through, I feel like an idiot to even bring this up...but it's been doing my brain in for nearly 14 years now, I can't talk to my friends about it and as I'm getting older (I'm 40 next year), I feel like I need to seize the moment so I have no regrets. You're probably wondering what I'm banging on about...I'll get to the point.

I met a guy back in my mid-20's...my group of friends came to together with his group and we hit it off well, many nights out all together resulted in lots of flirting and us hanging out together away from the group. He drunkenly told me on a few occasions he wanted to kiss me but never actually did...I don't know why, there were plenty of opportunities for that to happen, and in a way I'm still kicking myself for not just instigating it myself! I think I was always probably a bit wary of how serious he was about liking me because I've never thought I was pretty and there were probably occasions at nightclubs where I'd see him chatting to other girls, so I'd think he was just playing me...but he'd always come back to me and we'd continue the the "does he like me/does she like me? who is going to make the first move" routine.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of years, we both got together with different people - my relationship lasted a year, then we split, but his has continued til now, they have a child together but I know he's not happy with her (she is very loud, attention seeking, embarrassing when we're out). To throw another clanger in, 6 years ago I married his best mate and of course my husband wanted his best mate to be our best man.

Now I want to get one thing straight here - I absolutely love my husband, I would NEVER cheat on him, he's amazing and treats me very well. His friend is still in our life, he always will be and there's no getting away from that.

But I find that when we see each other, there is this awkwardness...it's like we're both thinking back to those earlier days and what could have been if one of us had just done something about it! I try to just be normal with him like I am with my other male friends, but it's still awkward....hugging/kissing on the cheek goodbye is definitely weird...it's like he doesn't know if it's ok to do that with me and is hesitant.

I churn it all around in my head "was he serious? did he want to be with me? did I mean something to him? Should I have done something about it? should it have been him and I that got together?", and in all honesty, I just want to know. I don't want to be laying there on my deathbed still wondering what he was really thinking all those years ago! lol.

So I'm thinking, to clear the awkwardness and to get answers to what I want to know, should I just have it out with him and ask him? And if so, how should I do this - ask to meet up? Or just message him?

Or should I just accept that I'll never know and things just keep being awkward with us....argh!!!

Ok...I'm ready for it....hit me with your thoughts....Thanks!

Definitely don’t say anything. It wouldn’t clear the air and could just make the guy feel even more awkward.

What do you want him to say? Yes he is madly in love with you and thinks about you all the time. What would be the point of that?

You're taking the piss out of people who are suggesting that there might be some 'unfinished business'or whatever on your part or that this might be in your head or that you're fixated but, honestly, that's how it reads. It reads as though you want to hear that you're the one who got away and he clearly still has feelings for you.

Because, otherwise, theres nothing else really fr anyone else here to say. We dont know you, your partner, this man, his girlfriend or the dynamics between you all. After all, you went to particular lengths to explain that he and his gf are not well suited and how awful she is.

There's only one reason I can think of that someone would risk opening up this particular can of worms.

I don't think you're being honest with yourself about your motives for this at all.

You might well be happy with your husband and not want to cheat. If that is the case, why does it matter if this man isn't comfortable kissing you goodbye on the cheek or not?

It reads like you've come on here asking for people to confirm that hes regretting never whisking you off into the sunset, that your mere presence drives him to distraction and he hadn't stopped thinking about you in 14 years.

Which may all be true, but even if that's the case, so what? Whys it so important to you, if you're so devoted to your husband and you say you are?
Or is it that you're quite interested in him too, and want to set the fantasy alight?

Be as honest with yourself as you want everyone else to be, then we may get somewhere

Just leave it. Don't be the person who potentially breaks up his child's family just because you're curious about whether you both could've had something. 🙄

Of course this is unfinished business OP. You say that you're still kicking yourself for not instigating that kiss years ago.

Even if you're totally happy with what you have now, there's still that little 'what if' lurking.

Do absolutely nothing would be my advice.

I think you're perfectly normal. It's common to think what ifs even when you're totally happy. Look what happened with many on Friends Reunited! You need to ask yourself though,if you have that chat, the possible answers he may give. Either he has been holding a candle for you all these years in which case how will you respond? Or maybe he just feels awkward because of the way you seem awkward. On balance I would say you're best to leave it well alone. Try to put it behind you and just be cool and normal around him. Concentrate on your partner

well...I'm going to take my not normal, unhealthily fixated brain and hang out with him the weekend after next because we have another gathering of a few of us....and I will keep very tight lipped and say nothing

OldWoodenBoxintheCorner - I've tried to wrap up this thread a couple of times now, thanking everyone for their input and agreeing it's best not to say anything to him. I knew I'd get brutally honest opinions by posting on here, but I took the risk anyway because I can't talk to my close mates about this for obvious reasons. I haven't taken the piss out of those who have suggested there might be unfinished business...the only thing I was a bit upset and pissed off to hear was that some people think I'm not thinking normally or healthily or that I'm fixated...little bit harsh....there's more to the situation that is best off not being mentioned on here which would paint me in a less fixated light i guess. And I understand that by not further elaborating, I continue to make myself look like a nutter...hey ho. I'm a very light hearted person and I'm just trying to inject a bit of humour into this thread because some of the comments seem like people are almost angry with me....this is my first time posting on here, so maybe it's just that I'm not used to reading the tone correctly.

So anyway, thanks all....please don't waste any more of your time on this thread. There's much more worthy threads for you to give you advice to - which I thought would definitely be the case when I chose my subject line for this thread! ;-)

Well, I’d be really hurt if this was my DH that’s for sure. It’s like you’ll be asking “what if we’d have got together” and that’ll make you question the here and now and your DH would be devastated, as though you have regrets ever marrying him. It could open up a big can of worms, even though it’s all unnecessary. OP don’t do it.

The awkwardness could simply be embarrassment that you have a past, which at the time, was awkward IYSWIM.

Leave it alone and put it to bed.

Thank you Sotoes and Pepsirolla xxxxx :-)

the only thing I was a bit upset and pissed off to hear was that some people think I'm not thinking normally or healthily or that I'm fixated...little bit harsh....

Well I didn't mean to piss you off but it's NOT normal or healthy to be like that. It may be harsh yes, but I do think it's true.

Thanks again ItalianFiat, I guess I agree with you to a certain degree - I find the situation not normal/healthy at times too, so that's probably why it's playing on my mind. I'll work on forgetting it.

Stuff happens for a reason.
What's for you won't pass you by is a very apt phrase.
He wasn't for you. You found the right one.
Make peace with it.

I would leave that 'what if' so deeply buried if i were you. Dont jeopardise yr marriage for somebody who liked you well enough to weigh you up as an option.

If anybody else ever raises the historic whatif, make light of it. "Oh yeh, nothing happened, bad flirting that ran aground". But never bring it up yrslf!!

We’re all outsiders with no vested interest either way...

For whatever reason, maybe your relationship with your DH isn’t really that great, you’re a bit bored, not totally happy, feeling unloved, needing an ego boost because in your own words you have “never thought I was pretty”, it’s clear that you want to start or reignite something or need some kind of validation from this man.

Work out why that is, and replace it with something else, so you don’t spend the next 14 years with this “doing your brain in” because it isn’t normal or healthy, and I’m not saying that to be nasty, it just isn’t.

A conversation no matter which way it goes isn’t going to be helpful - and could potentially do some real damage to your relationship with your DH.

Thanks RueCambon - I'll take you advice :-)

I would just say that you're perfectly normal @Confused80 but definitely not honest towards your own feelings. You may have the right intentions towards getting this awkwardness resolved but I would agree with others here that wouldn't go as planned for you and it will only make things more regretful and worse in every dynamics of relationship.

Ask yourself, be honest with yourself, maybe take sometime to think about how much it will impact all 4 of you. I don't think it is wrong to talk it out and resolve if there's any friction in a friendship/relationship. But you need to be awfully honest with it. Are you looking to resolve it or ignite an old flame which will further destroy 4 relationship all together?

On how you'll be around him next time, just be more confident and enjoy the time being more friends. Don't show him any distress or strangeness that he may think that is coming from you due to your past. Make him feel that it is all in the past and you're perfectly comfortable. I would avoid talking in private with him until you see he's not awkward around you or your DH anymore.

Try not to emphasis too much on his behavior but do remember to check on yours too while you are around him. Maybe you're awkward too and he can sense that.

Good luck!

Thank you so much for your advice Whenthereslovethereshope! :-)

Honestly, hand on heart, I couldn't be more normal with him if I tried! Always include him with group get togethers so he doesn't feel like he's being purposely left out, I could easily have put my foot down and said no to him being our best man, but I didn't want to make an issue so let that one go.

I definitely have no interest in re-igniting any old flame - if I did, I would've done it by now, and certainly before I got married! It's been years of weird atmosphere that I only recently wondered that if I just had it out with him, got it all out in the open and addressed it, we could just start a fresh....but everyone here seems to think that is a hugely bad way to go, so I take their advice on board and definitely won't do it.
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Thanks @WickedLemon

My marriage is probably the only thing I am genuinely happy with in my life at the moment - been thinking a lot lately about a career change and how to facilitate that, which has been getting me down, coupled with work being mega busy!

And I think sometimes I'm a bit too concerned with keeping everyone happy - my boss, my friends....I don't like drama and I don't like any grief in our friends group - I think I should be a little less concerned with everyone else and how they think/feel, and just worry about what I'm doing....you can't keep everyone happy all the time. If this guy feels awkward with me, it's his problem, not mine.

been thinking a lot lately about a career change and how to facilitate that, which has been getting me down, coupled with work being mega busy!

That could be the key. Often your brain will obsess on an unimportant thing to avoid thinking and acting on the really important one. (Procrastination is my middle name!) Focus on maybe changing on your career?

He could be feeling awkward for all sorts of reasons. Perhaps he's worried about what you've told your DH. Or whether you'll allude to the almost kiss in front of friends. Or perhaps he's still carrying a torch for you. Who knows?

The best thing to do is carry on as you are. Including him in friends, but not trying too hard. Over time it will settle down.

Ask a bloke if the reason he's awkward around you because of something 14 years ago isn't going to clear the air. It's going to make things 100% more awkward! Just accept awkward and live with it! What answer do you expect? He professes undying love? Or he doesn't remember what you're talking about? Or he doesn't actually like you, even as a mate? None of these scenarios are going to make things less awkward!! He's going to to think you've been fixated on that non-event for 14 years!