I think I have to end my marriage.

[Chupchup]

Hi h and I have been together for ten years and have 2 primary aged dc. He is the main breadwinner. We've had lots of ups and downs over the years due to the stress of 2 small children, money worries, house refurb etc. One big problem for me has been his drinking. Over the last few years after many arguments he has really cut back. He rarely goes out and doesn't drink that often, maybe 4 times a month, but when he does drink he slurs, can hardly talk, doesnt know when to stop, and when challenged can become nasty and defensive as he knows I hate it. He probably doesn't need to actually drink that much to get drunk these days. It's just so depressing and boring to see him in this state. He's ruined so many special occasions due to being focused on alcohol.

In between these times he's largely wonderful. He's hands on around the house, great with kids, works bloody hard in a management job etc. We really get each other and have good conversations and make each other laugh. But the drinking continues to ruin things. On our wedding anniversary yesterday he was supposed to be taking the kids for a walk, instead he sat in the pub for 4 hours. He could hardly talk when he got home and was then mean to me as I told him it was unacceptable. I've just been crying since then. Everything was wonderful in the morning. We've been getting on great and have exciting plans to relocate, but now it's all gone to shit. How many more things can be ruined? How many more times can I ask him to limit his drinking? We've been here constantly over the years. I have to go now, don't I? I will lose everything though. Is it worth it?? His drinking makes me sad and I cry. Is that a good enough reason?

I'll need to move up north as I cant afford to buy here, which means I'll be on my own with the kids. Can I do it? Can I cope? Life is very short and I'm getting old. I have no friends. I'm ready to make a change. I'm not sure how you just select an area and go. Is it reason enough? Can I offer him an ultimatum? Am I being petty? We were going to.move to a beautiful house in a beautiful location, whereas now I'll be in some tiny house, probably in a bad area, the opposite of what we wanted for our children. Help! Should I put up and shut up? The other wives do.

I think you have a choice.

Either file for divorce, move and get a ft job. A friend who needed to go back to work after her divorce found it cheaper to get a live in au pair to do the school run, make tea for the dc and do a tidy round etc than rely on childminders

Or...and I know this is going to be a little cold and calculating, you could always stay.
Buy your next property
Live separate lives.
Any celebration either you celebrate with only dc or with friends. (Start to make your own group away from him)

You let him go out as much as he wants you just don’t take it to heart. It means nothing to you

And take out a big life insurance policy.

I think you offer him an ultimatum.

I’ve seen marriages break down all around me, including my own.
Does your dh know that you want to leave ?
It could be extremely devastating for him, and push him right over the edge.
How about telling him if he doesn’t stop the drinking and or get professional help, then you will have to wash your hands of him, because it’s not fair on you or the kids.
If you think he would react extremely badly, then I would either leave without telling him, or resolve to live under the same roof but have separate lives, which would just frankly, be miserable.

Doctors have a medical criteria of whether someone is an alcoholic, -i.e. they are physically dependent on alcohol. They need a medical protocol including medications and supervision to get off it or they could die from withdrawal, seizures etc.

Then there's the next category of drinkers who are alcohol abusers (I forget the actual term but it amounts to that)- 'problem drinkers.' I know all this for a fact because I am one as defined by alcohol services at one point. There are programs specifically for problem drinkers, you could look in your area and he could self refer.

AA etc or the more informal usage is a different definition which basically includes both categories and more. They would include as criteria things such as the effect it's having on his relationships.

In the end, whether he's an alcoholic or not doesn't matter. What matters is whether you can live with his behaviour. His quibbling over whether he's an alcoholic basically amounts to not admitting he has a problem, which is classic of course!

Until he admits he has a problem, he's not going to do anything. You could move out and see if it means he gets with the program. I don't think he's worth considering again, though-too much of a risk. Either way, love, hugs and best wishes. xxx

Just a reality check OP, it’s very unlikely that you’ll be allowed to take the children up north, if you went to court the outcome would likely say that you need to stay within the area (a close drive) or be able to facilitate him being able to see the children easily ie- you driving the children to him. Alcoholic or not you need to make sure he has easy access to the kids. And rightly so. He is their dad, and from what you say is a good father and I can’t see him being happy about you taking the kids very far away.

I know nothing about divorce. I do know that thete is nothing 'good father' about choosing to get pissed over keeping an engagement with your children (or if you prefer, choosing not to address an illness which is making him a bad father)

Would he be able to look after his children if he gets pissed on one day every weekend.

I don’t think living under the same roof but living separately has to be miserable.

I know several people who do this.

They all have a rule that if they get a bf/gf they are discreet.

Years ago I know one couple who had the kitchen made into 2 kitchens.

Mostly they are civil to each other and had their own living rooms and areas of the house. The children seemed to accept that this was there family.

There are no arguments and everyone still lived in the nice house. Usually neither party wanted to divorce.

A lot had set up businesses together or had been married a long time and so didn’t want to wave goodbye to their lifestyle.

It sounds completely f**ked up but you would be amazed at how many people live like this.

Im in the same situation as you op. My husband drinks mostly ever other day but some weeks everyday. Four cans a night/more on a weekend, maybe wine. I calculated around 70 units a week. He brushes it under the carpet and says its what everyone else drinks, im a party pooper as ive stopped drinking etc. Hes generally got a mard on during weekends as he feels im judging on how much he drinks but after 21 years im pissed off with always being the responsible adult with the kids. Hate it when he gets the glazed look. Ive stopped him attending family gatherings as he has been drinking and i dont want the embarrassment. Im sick of it

I am sad anyone would suggest staying with an active alcoholic would be ok for the DC even if you live apart it shows them an awful example of marriage and handling life stresses. We subsconciously repeat our childhood dynamic...

@pointythings but you did tackle it and you asked him to leave. It must have been distressing with the police involved. Thanks for sharing. I wish you and your dds well.

live separatly, life will be wonderful without this depressing drinking. he wont drink in front of you again or you wont have to put up with the drunkeness if you live apart. my brother drank all through our teens, my twin brother. i feel i never knew him. obvs different scenario, but these people are not easy to love. leave. be happy. again

@Aminuts23 thank you for sharing and for your honesty. Please look after yourself and value yourself. The world is yours for the taking

Ok, so a few things have happened and I feel clear about what happens next. I looked at divorce and it will cost at least a few grand. I don't even have a hundred pounds. So I'm basically going to apply for new better paying jobs and get myself in a less vulnerable position. In the meantime he has sought help today and is speaking to an organisation tomorrow. He has lots of plans on how to tackle it and has admitted he has a problem and wants to address it. He has time to work on this as I am in no position to leave immediately.

If/when we have a repeat performance then I shall be ready to go. I'm also going to join some meet up groups and generally get myself in a better position.

I feel good about this and feel that I'm building something good for myself.

Great that you are planning to strengthen your position OP.

Well done op. This could be the kick up the bum he needs but that's his problem. Look out for yourself first.