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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I have to end my marriage.

64 replies

Chupchup · 30/09/2019 13:31

Hi h and I have been together for ten years and have 2 primary aged dc. He is the main breadwinner. We've had lots of ups and downs over the years due to the stress of 2 small children, money worries, house refurb etc. One big problem for me has been his drinking. Over the last few years after many arguments he has really cut back. He rarely goes out and doesn't drink that often, maybe 4 times a month, but when he does drink he slurs, can hardly talk, doesnt know when to stop, and when challenged can become nasty and defensive as he knows I hate it. He probably doesn't need to actually drink that much to get drunk these days. It's just so depressing and boring to see him in this state. He's ruined so many special occasions due to being focused on alcohol.

In between these times he's largely wonderful. He's hands on around the house, great with kids, works bloody hard in a management job etc. We really get each other and have good conversations and make each other laugh. But the drinking continues to ruin things. On our wedding anniversary yesterday he was supposed to be taking the kids for a walk, instead he sat in the pub for 4 hours. He could hardly talk when he got home and was then mean to me as I told him it was unacceptable. I've just been crying since then. Everything was wonderful in the morning. We've been getting on great and have exciting plans to relocate, but now it's all gone to shit. How many more things can be ruined? How many more times can I ask him to limit his drinking? We've been here constantly over the years. I have to go now, don't I? I will lose everything though. Is it worth it?? His drinking makes me sad and I cry. Is that a good enough reason?

I'll need to move up north as I cant afford to buy here, which means I'll be on my own with the kids. Can I do it? Can I cope? Life is very short and I'm getting old. I have no friends. I'm ready to make a change. I'm not sure how you just select an area and go. Is it reason enough? Can I offer him an ultimatum? Am I being petty? We were going to.move to a beautiful house in a beautiful location, whereas now I'll be in some tiny house, probably in a bad area, the opposite of what we wanted for our children. Help! Should I put up and shut up? The other wives do.

OP posts:

Horehound · 30/09/2019 15:41

Where does it say "blind drunk"? @KatharinaRosalie
The op says he drinks a couple of pints.
She also says he works very hard, clearly providing a lifestyle she wanted. But he's not allowed a couple of pints? Hmm

Horehound · 30/09/2019 15:43

@Chupchup ah ok. Given your update that would annoy me. What would happen if you said to him he had to stay sober to look after kids whilst you got blootered?!
I think yes, he won't change. So you have to weigh up if you want the lifestyle or if you want to be truly happy.

Original poster

Chupchup · 30/09/2019 15:44

Yes where we live they're all the same. His friends have good jobs. They probably see themselves as work hard, play hard. But they're not playing anymore. They drink and fall out more often than not, or lose each other etc. They stopped having fun ages ago.

I'm tired of policing him, but I'm too tired to formulate a plan right now.

OP posts:

KatharinaRosalie · 30/09/2019 15:46

Where does it say "blind drunk"? The op says he drinks a couple of pints.

The OP says he gets so drunk he can hardly talk. And it's the DH himself who says it's 'just a couple of pints'.

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 30/09/2019 15:49

My husbands drinking was from the start 2-4 beers daily no real change at all in personality, could easily pull off a hard day at work still the next day. But after the 4th it could be the 5th 6th 7th that changed his personality, spirits were always a totally different story (horrid every time). He just became more argumentative, stubborn, just seemed determined to annoy me on purpose. Like he hated himself and me if I’m honest 😕 Couldn’t trust him to go out for an evening without him getting so pissed he would pass out somewhere, or end up in a fight, or just disappear for a night. Or even at home just so hungover Sunday would be a right off as a family day. His parents were both alcoholics. And ide say all his siblings have issues with it too.

Hillfarmer · 30/09/2019 16:01

Hi Chupchup,

It is very hard for you to imagine life not being a rollercoaster of nice and bloody awful. This is no way to live. Even in the nice moments you are thinking ‘what’s going to happen next?’, ‘what’s the next thing that’s going be bloody awful coz of his drinking?’ It doesn’t matter what you call it, the whole family ends up living their lives around his drink problem. That is absolutely enough grounds to divorce him.

Get some clarity. Google family lawyers in your area or if you know anyone who’s gone through it if they can recommend their solicitor. Then you will know what the next steps might be. You will feel better after you equip yourself with information, honestly.

Never ever feel that you have ‘broken up’ the family. He will accuse you of this no doubt, but you know the truth. He has done this. His behaviour has done this. His refusal to address his drink problem has done this. Anyone would see this as the cause of relationship breakdown, not you being ‘uptight’ or demanding. You did not cause this. He is forcing your hand.

Stay strong.

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 30/09/2019 16:10

I have to say reading all of these replies I want to weep still at the thought of all those times I wanted out but stayed, for the loss of the real me as time went on, having to always be the strong reliable one but yet ending up feeling weak guilty useless, I enabled lied and covered up for years, AA is great if you work the 12 step program properly but it’s a long continuous road we will be on forever hopefully, the other alternative is he drinks again and then that’s me gone xx

EKGEMS · 30/09/2019 16:26

Alcoholism isn't defined by how many days he goes out drinking it's his inability to stop drinking and a loss of control when he starts. It's negatively affecting relationships with his wife and family. OP you sound miserable and you have every reason to be-no matter how wonderful he is MOST of the time it doesn't cancel out the BAD times.

fishonabicycle · 30/09/2019 16:43

The issue is not how often he drinks, but the fact he is an arsehole when he does it.

Original poster

Chupchup · 30/09/2019 17:02

@Pinksmyfavoritecolour I hope it all continues to work out. You must be exhausted. I developed anxiety a few years back, I've told him I need everything to be calm.

@Hillfarmer thanks. We had been so happy lately. It completely floored me when he stumbled in with the dc yesterday. I just started crying. Its so painful. I just didn't expect it. We were out at a party the night before, this always gives him a taste for it the next day. I took my eye off the ball. Can't stop crying today. I've got so much to sort out and it's all on me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chupchup · 30/09/2019 17:03

Would the house just be 50/50?

OP posts:

Horehound · 30/09/2019 17:14

It actually doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or not. The crux is he does drink, OP doesn't like it and is miserable.

candycane222 · 30/09/2019 17:27

As with a photocopier, so with a partner, especially when you have lids. An unreliable one is worse than not having one at all. It is the unpredictability that is so intolerable.

Saying it that way may help you explain your reasons - including to yourself?

candycane222 · 30/09/2019 17:28

Kids, not lids, obvs

RandomMess · 30/09/2019 17:31

It sounds miserable for you

I know someone that is an alcoholic goes through an annual cycle of not drinking for 6 months then goes on holiday and then.... it's like observing a car crash!!!

I can only think his wife stays because there are consequences of her moving back to her home country

pointythings · 30/09/2019 17:40

He is an alcoholic. They come in many shapes and sizes, and they don't conform to the stereotype. If you were to fill in the AUDIT questionnaire (you can find it online) as if you were him, you'd find he scored high - because it assesses not just how much and how often someone drinks, but also the impact on the people around them.

I suspect he lied massively to his GP, minimised his intake, the frequency and the effects.

It's likely that he will spiral and function less and less well. Don't be around for that. I'm the widow of an alcoholic and I was way too late to realise what was going on. I'm now 18 months single, just over a year widowed, and I haven't looked back. Nor have my DDs.

Start preparing to leave.

Original poster

Chupchup · 30/09/2019 17:51

@pointythings I'm glad your story has a positive outcome. I think without me being a controlling nag he'll be able to go to the pub as often as possible. I'm sure it wouldn't be long til he meets a new woman as well, which I would hate.

He's already being investigated for bowel problems

OP posts:

pointythings · 30/09/2019 18:05

ChupChup my H died of a heart attack. That kind of drinking has major consequences.

If you can, find a support group near you for relatives of alcoholics/addicts. Al-Anon is the obvious one, but there are others. A group like that will help you stop enabling and teach you to detach from him in a calm and loving way. It is never easy to watch someone self-destruct, but you owe it to yourself and your DCs to do everything you can to keep yourself mentally well. Peer support is enormously valuable - I still attend my group regularly and am now in a position to support others just starting out on the road of not living with an addict any more.

Good luck. You can pm me if you want to talk.

Original poster

Chupchup · 30/09/2019 19:32

@pointythings so you hadnt left him long before he died? That must have been awful. Why didn't you realise what was happening? How old are your dc?

He has promised me he will try and cut down. That is what he was supposed to be doing. It's not enough. He won't go to a group cos he knows he wants to drink again. I don't think he thinks I'll leave.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 30/09/2019 19:37

He is alcohol dependent/alcoholic he isn't going to change...

pointythings · 30/09/2019 20:51

ChupChup it's a long story... I have two threads lurking in the archives of the Relationships board that tell the story. I knew he was an alcoholic long before we parted company, but it's hard to detach from someone you love - and he was also very cunning at hiding how much he was drinking. I played out all the scenarios in the play that is Life As The Partner Of An Alcoholic and yes, I still blame myself for nor tackling my escape earlier.

I didn't leave him, I made him leave the family home after he threatened to kill me - the police were involved. I didn't let him back. We were going through divorce proceedings at that point because he wouldn't stop drinking and lying about it. We had been separated for 8 months when I found out he had died.

My DDs are now 18 and 16 so were older teens when it all kicked off. We're all still recovering.

My H never found a reason not to drink. He never hit his rock bottom. Your H hasn't reached his either. I admire you for seeing things so clearly so much earlier than I did. Use that clarity.

Span1elsRock · 30/09/2019 20:56

My Uncle died aged 47, from his bowel rupturing. His liver was failing, he had had a heart attack and pacemaker fitted, and died horribly over a week from sepsis and was yellower than Homer Simpson.

He was an alcoholic.

There is no happy ending, the descent is already happening. Spare your DC and yourself from being the bystanders

Oblomov19 · 30/09/2019 21:06

How much is he drinking? Exactly? Two pints? 4 pints? More?

Tell us more about quantity.

He drinks 4 times a month.
Once a week.
That's not THAT much?

pointythings · 30/09/2019 21:09

He rarely goes out and doesn't drink that often, maybe 4 times a month, but when he does drink he slurs, can hardly talk, doesnt know when to stop, and when challenged can become nasty and defensive as he knows I hate it.

Oblomov it isn't about how much he drinks, or how often, it is about the way he loses control when he drinks, has no off button when he drinks and becomes an unpleasant person when he drinks. That alone is enough to mark him out as someone with a drink problem - a serious one. Do a bit of research on what alcoholism really is.

Aminuts23 · 30/09/2019 21:17

OP I don’t drink most days of the week but on a Thursday and a Friday I always do. I go to a regular event on a Thursday and meet friends on a Friday. Every week. At one point I went out every Saturday and Sunday too!
On a Thursday I moderate my drinking as I have work the next day. On a Friday I don’t. I drink too much. I don’t have that ‘off’ switch that tells me to stop.
In between times I don’t go out and I don’t drink at home.
Do I have a problem with alcohol? YES!!!!
I recognised this recently. I’m single and without kids so not impacting on anyone there but it does impact on my health, I’ve had injuries, I forget things. I feel terrible every single Saturday.
The thought of not drinking again terrifies me as I enjoy it. Maybe your hubby does too. That’s ok as long as it’s not impacting on other areas of your life. His most definitely is.
I don’t think he’s necessarily alcoholic but like me, he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. It’s a harsh truth to face. I know. I’m struggling to do anything about it to be honest. I’ve decided to change my favourite drink to something less strong. Could he try that?
I’d maybe like to meet a new DP but I won’t whilst I curb my Friday nights a bit.
He will struggle to face the truth. It’s awful when you do. I hope he can address it for his family

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