Affair confusion!

[Stuckinsrut]

Finding it hard to talk about this but feel I may need to start somewhere before I go insane!

I'm currently in an 8year relationship and have 2 beautiful Children... Things with my partner are extremely challenging and have been for possibly the past 4/5 years! Unfortunately he was very ill and this tested us but somewhat made us stronger as during this time we had our 2nd child. Having said all that he made a recovery but is still recovering physically and this journey he's been through has dramatically impacted him mentally!! Causing him to become a completely different person he is hardwork, stubborn, moody, extremely negative both to me and the children...

That's a little of the background to how I've got to where I am currently.. during his change in behaviour I developed a friendship with another man from work it started as a friendship and he was a much needed support for me this developed quickly and moved into an affair and I've said in the past that I need to walk away but we're to drawn together and I feel like I'm trying to please both of them! I hate the person I've become I love my partner I just dislike the person he has become albeit this may not be entirely his fault as he's been through alot but how he treats me and makes me feel isn't nqqice I'm 30 and feel like I deserve to be happy my children are my life and even they don't seem to fill him with happiness so I feel this is how I've allowed my head to be turned. I feel awful for it everyday and it's made me extremely ill with anxiety I've lost a huge amount of weight. I'm reaching out in hope of some advise I understand people will judge me but please I'm crying out for some advise!

Leave.

You know what to do OP. You do not love your husband or you wouldn't have entertained a relationship with this other man. You will not get any support here.

You need to leave your partner. Even without the affair it seems the relationship is over. It’s nothing to do with what you deserve, it just doesn’t make any sense to stay with someone who doesn’t make you happy and has been ‘challenging’ for years.

You’re not going to get much support here! MN doesn’t take to kindly to people who have affairs! You need to leave your partner!

Sorry to hear you have resorted to having an affair because you feel so unhappy in your relationship. I really think you need to either leave your husband or finish the affair for good & try some marriage counselling. It seems you & your husband have been through a lot & you have 2 children together, try make it work. Stop seeing this man x

Your OH needs to be appropriately treated for his mental health problems- both therapy and meds. Therapy can be paid for privately if it's prioritized- I'm not earning but I prioritize it because I need it.

Tell him how you feel (but not about the affair maybe lol) and insist he gets more treatment for his mental health than he currently has. If he doesn't put the effort into improving his mental health, leave him as he's not caring about you and the kids.

I grew up with a father with depression etc who never bothered sorting himself out. It probably has had long term effects- I certainly didn't get the support I needed from my parents, because everything revolved around him, his needs, and us all avoiding his temper. My mum/we eventually left him when I was in my late teens. It would've been better for us all if it'd happened far earlier. It was an affair that finally gave her the impetus to leave, too, although the affair didn't lead anywhere in the end. It still was worth it for all of us. My dad moved away, but he had to get his act together and get a job! So it was actually healthier for him, too.

Op what do you want?
Do you want to stay with your husband or leave for the other man?

Don’t try to keep both going. Make a decision and stick with that.

You need to be true to yourself and leave.
Be strong

Interestedwoman- thank you and agree he is currently already getting after care CBT this has been for a year but doesn't seem to be helping I've tried to explain to him how I'm feeling etc... But he think I don't understand what he is going through almost seems he's to clouded by his own depression to see past it or see the bigger picture... I know o should have handled this totally different and I have now somewhat made matters worse.. I know what I've done is a mistake and to need to live with that but I feel alone and not sure how to handle it maybe this platform wasn't the best place as I knew I would be judged by some..
Thank you for your response xx

You are not a victim here , so its sad you see to try and protray yourself as one. You are cheating on your partner, the relationship and your children. As with most people who turned to an affair, you have loads of excuses for what you are doing and happy to blame others for your actions/or lack of them. Dont say you love your DH and than cheat on him, its just an excuse for you to pass the responsibility and carry on your behaviour.

No advice for you but wanted to say I understand how hard it is to live with someone that is completely wrapped up in their own mental health to not see how its affecting others mental health. My husband has a mental health problem and it consumes our life and has made me incredibly stressed out and unhappy.
I will say though, no judgement from me, but I do not think an affair is the answer though.
Good luck

@Cheeseandwin5 I'm not trying to play the victim at all and didn't share my story to receive poor judgment from people! Granted people may not agree with my actions I'm not proud of them to say the least! But I have only expressed a fraction of the bigger picture here! Just a word of advise if your a regular user on this platform it's worth being mindful that someone people arent frequent commenters like myself this was the first time I've opened up about it.. I'm not looking for sympathy i know the choices I've made are wrong!

Regardless of the affair, I feel you should leave your husband. You aren't happy and he will only drag you down.

You know yourself you can't have both relationships as it's making you ill. If your DH found out tomorrow and told you he was going how upset would you really be? You need to decide what you want and this will not be popular here, but until you know you say nothing! You cannot unsay something so keep quiet and don't say anything until you know. If you don't know then you break up with your lover first. If you can't do that then your DH has to go. Either way once you've decided you stick to it. Going backwards and forwards will make it worse.

I was in exactly your position early this year, though I never had a physical relationship with the man, we got very close. I know how hard it is to give everything little ounce of support to someone and get to a point where you have nothing left to give. My decision was made for me as my crush also had very difficult circumstances but felt he needed to stay in his current relationship. If he had wanted to be with me there is no doubt that I would have left my partner. But in the end I told my partner I was unhappy and this (along with CBT) helped him snap out of it. We've been working on it and I have been a lot happier (still in touch with the crush), but it's not the same. Even my children no longer live him as much. I will probably end up leaving next year.... I feel I've given him a fair chance to get his act together. You probably can't wait forever to decide what you need to do, if you could escape and be by yourself for a couple of days I'm guessing the answer would become clear. Xx

Sympathetic as I am, my advice is to leave.
Leave both of them.
Build your own life, let your partner recover, see where you get to then.

Is the OM married are there kids involved on his side?

I think you should leave your partner. You’ve tried for years to make it work. It isn’t working.

Whilst that’s going on I think it would also be advisable to cool things with the other man. Rebuild your life and then see where things stand.

If you jump from one to the other I think you might be blind to potential issues with the other man. He might be great, or he might just seem great as he isn’t your partner. I think it would be good for both your kids and you if you took a breather and found your own independence. Good luck OP.

Lots of people here giving rather extreme advice based on scant details around the OPs financial and work situation. “Leave” is a rather easier-said-than-done course of action - this isn’t Albert Square where a person’s major story-line comes to a climax without any life-long repercussions. Some of the “advisors” on here probably spent more time choosing what to have for dinner tonight than spent time understanding your situation before casually telling you to end your marriage.

Look, you’ve waded into a river of sh!t so far it probably seems it’s easier to keep going than to turn back. It’s not though. There really is nothing to stop you from ending it with the OM at work other than your own will-power. You may grieve the loss of the joy he currently brings you but that will pass and you will rebuild your self-respect by working past it. He may be your star-crossed Romeo but he is more likely a distraction from the troubles at home.

As for home, that’s a tough one. A partner’s illness, physical or mental, is a real burden and constant drag on your enjoyment of life. You don’t say what the issue is so it’s hard to know if this is temporary or permanent. What I can tell you is that couples go through all kinds of issues that have the same joy-sucking result as you are experiencing: redundancy, infertility, children with SN, family issues, money issues, to name a few. Many are not self-inflicted, just sh!t-bad luck yet people get through them by knuckling down and facing them together as a team, trying to maintain a positive outlook that things will get better. This is life. This is marriage. No one said it would be plain sailing all the way.

You have made a bad situation worse with your affair. It is not irretrievable but there is no magic bit of advice I or anyone else here can give you. This is grown up time. The way you go forward from here is a measure of your character and your love for your OH as well as setting the standard for how you expect the World to treat YOU from now on.

Hope some of that helped. Very best of luck.

I do see what you mean Jabbercocky but to be fair, as a general rule women are guilty of spending way way to long staying in shit relationships. Often in the hope that they can somehow help their partner become the man they fell in love with again.

This relationship has been bad for 4 or 5 years. The OP has mentioned ...causing him to become a completely different person he is hardwork, stubborn, moody, extremely negative both to me and the children...

I don’t think advising her to make a great life for herself and her children without either of these men in the first instance is such a radical move.

She can’t change her partner. Staying hasn’t achieved anything in 4 / 5 years. She has a bigger chance of happiness through proactively changing things then to keep repeating what isn’t working.

People do go through times and these can last for years; if they didn’t last for longer than we thought bearable, they wouldn’t be tough times - they’d be just momentary slight bumps in the road.

We are all of us shaped by our experiences to some extent. Sounds to me like his tough patch has left him somewhat battle damaged and I don’t deny that 4/5 years of the effects of that can be little fun for a spouse. My advice though would be - analyse the strategy you’ve employed for those 4-5 years. Chances are for most of it, you didn’t really have one. You probably did what most people do in that position, bump along not really facing up to the fact that there’a a problem until it’s too late and the problem seems too big to solve, then try a series of desperate amateur moves to rectify the situation which inevitably fail and thereby exasperate the situation, stretching your ability to cope to near-breaking point and leaving you open to falling into an affair - which only makes everything ten times worse. Quit doing what your doing. It isn’t working. But don’t think for a second that giving up altogether is going to be the magic happy fairy dust you seek. You’ll likely solve one problem and onboard a whole bunch more. Counselling -maybe (not a fan myself. They rarely tell you anything you can’t Google), self reflection - probably, talking to a sensible friend- possibly but no help will be of value whilst you remain in the deep foggy insanity of an affair.

@NotStayingIn - I’m with you on the people staying too long in shit relationships thing, but I don’t agree that that is a predominantly female failing. I just think women voice their relationship dissatisfaction more often than men. There are plenty of men who would benefit from walking away from toxic and otherwise unhealthy pairings and I’d give the same advice to either gender on facts such as the OPs.

Top advice @Jobywan44
Been with my dh 25 yrs so know 4/5 yrs can indeed be a bump in the road.

The first 14 years were great. The last 5 have been amazing - that's still leave 6 years unaccounted for.

My point is you do need strength to work through the tough-bits but it is so worth it.

And once you do you are stronger and happier than before.

And I have found I can set a mood in our house.

For example if I'm all jolly this will rub off. Even if dh is stressed from work.

Of course if I feel resentful of his mood and go about with a face like a cats bum it makes him 10 times worse.

I wont judge you i know how miserable this can be . However i want to give you a child's perspective. My dad was miserable too and my mum spent her life trying to make up for that . I watched that secretly hating my dad wishing my mum would leave ( from the age of 8). She thought she was right staying there, she was wrong . I grew up and married and spent my marriage trying to make my husband not to lose his temper and be happy . I was exhausted and in the end he trampled all over me . In counselling i talked at length about the lessons i learned from my mum who i now hardly see as she is still with him and i now resent them both. I got out of my marriage had buckets of counselling and am really happy. Get out your children are learning and watching

As someone who’s been here, don’t this, I agree with @Jabbercocky. You can’t make clear decisions about your marriage in the throes of an affair. Ultimately, I’ve ended my relationship (and also the affair) and now I’m on my own. Both were hard things to do - ending my relationship was the single hardest thing I’ve ever, ever done - but I know I’ve made the right decision.

Therapy also helped me, and i’d think about it if you can access it.

He's right, you don't understand what he's going through, your attention is elsewhere.

It's really shit to be living with someone who is slightly 'off' all the time. He was ill, and is now coping with things being wrong and he doesn't know why, so cannot articulate or deal within any of it.

You have not been his friend. You are not on his side.

He will be so much better off without you.

You made the choices that started your affair. Make some proper choices now.

(continuing to cheat doesn't count as a proper choice, as far as I'm concerned)

Despite the thread title, you don't sound confused.

You have chosen to have an affair. That affairs wreck marriages (because your attention moves outwards) is hardly startling news.

It's not fair to carry on cheating, so your decision is clear, end one or both relationships.

The big decision - to start the affair - was way more significant that the ones necessary to deal with it's obvious consequences