Affair confusion!

[Stuckinsrut]

Finding it hard to talk about this but feel I may need to start somewhere before I go insane!

I'm currently in an 8year relationship and have 2 beautiful Children... Things with my partner are extremely challenging and have been for possibly the past 4/5 years! Unfortunately he was very ill and this tested us but somewhat made us stronger as during this time we had our 2nd child. Having said all that he made a recovery but is still recovering physically and this journey he's been through has dramatically impacted him mentally!! Causing him to become a completely different person he is hardwork, stubborn, moody, extremely negative both to me and the children...

That's a little of the background to how I've got to where I am currently.. during his change in behaviour I developed a friendship with another man from work it started as a friendship and he was a much needed support for me this developed quickly and moved into an affair and I've said in the past that I need to walk away but we're to drawn together and I feel like I'm trying to please both of them! I hate the person I've become I love my partner I just dislike the person he has become albeit this may not be entirely his fault as he's been through alot but how he treats me and makes me feel isn't nqqice I'm 30 and feel like I deserve to be happy my children are my life and even they don't seem to fill him with happiness so I feel this is how I've allowed my head to be turned. I feel awful for it everyday and it's made me extremely ill with anxiety I've lost a huge amount of weight. I'm reaching out in hope of some advise I understand people will judge me but please I'm crying out for some advise!

I really hate reading these threads.

I'm not saying things haven't been tough OP, but honestly, there really is no excuse for an affair and you know it is not the answer.

You say you know you've made a mistake, so why are you continuing it? Are you actually looking for advice?

@Robin2323 me too, marriage / relationships are hard I went through it (not an affair, I got involved with church to stop me from straying) but same thing about feeling so unhappy. Relate saved my marriage x

I'm 30 and feel like I deserve to be happy
You got together at a very young age - that might be relevant to your current feelings.
We all want to be happy. "Deserve" is an odd word to use. What did you do that makes you so deserving of happiness?

my children are my life and even they don't seem to fill him with happiness
If he's depressed, nothing will fill him with happiness. He's not even fully recovered physically either?

so I feel this is how I've allowed my head to be turned
I feel that if you love your husband so little that you have deliberately chosen to have an affair, then it won't be too hard for you to break up with him.

I wanted to add something, that i was mulling over this morning. So like you, i work with my AP and i thought it would be awful carrying on working together after. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy, though it has been helped by the fact that he is pretty good at talking things through and we've been very honest with each other about how to negotiate going forwards and going back to being friends.

But what I've realised since I knew I had to end it with my OH, is that the desperate attraction i had to my AP has subsided somewhat. I can't say it isn't there at all, but i feel in control of it now in a way that i didn't before. and I think it's because I'm not looking for an outlet or an escape for my emotions anymore. i feel much more in control of how i feel.