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Original poster

Constant male attention has left me confused with dating

27 replies

Likeitorlumpitz · 29/09/2019 22:57

I find it very very easy to date. I don’t think I am one of the best looking of woman - not by a long way - but I enjoy conversation and suppose I have mastered the flirting and if I am honest with myself I enjoy it!! I like meeting new people, i enjoy the flirty back and forth.

But what happens is I feel like I have all these options. For instance last week I had three dates. All great, all wanted to meet again. But now I’m also now chatting to two new people!! This has been this way for months.

I went to settle down and I am aware that it won’t always be like this. I feel like I’m almost addicted to dating and always think but the next person might tick another box so why not just see... I don’t want this! I want to just settle down. Do you have to make a conscious decision to settle? I always thought one day someone will make me see I don’t want to date anyone else. But that never happens, I’m too curious about the next date to think about the last one, even if it was good. Do you have to make an effort to find someone who sticks? Shouldn’t it just happen?

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 29/09/2019 23:08

Yes, I think if someone was the right fit you wouldn't be interested in looking elsewhere, if you are then you are settling. And I speak from experience when I strongly advise against that!!

Maybe you need to restrict the numbers a little bit though? Or go on more second/third dates to see if people grow on you a bit more? Have you ever been someone who has been hit between the eyes by an attraction towards someone? If not, perhaps you are someone who needs to give personality a bit more chance to grow on you?

shitpark · 29/09/2019 23:09

Maybe you're doing this to fill a hole. Take a step back and examine all the areas of your life. How do you have time to date so much? Maybe try something else.
I realise it sounds trite, but this comes from examining my own behaviour over recent weeks. I also find it easy to get male attention, and easy to flirt. I lost someone a few months ago, and I have found myself in a similar situation. I've decided to stop dating and flirting.
If it isn't making you happy to be like this, then stop for a while, maybe just have one FWB, and take a break from dating

Original poster
Likeitorlumpitz · 29/09/2019 23:13

Thanks for these points of view.

I am definitely someone who wants a mental connection as much as physical. I’m never really attracted to looks alone.

I don’t date to fill a hole, often it’s a quick drink or lunch. I date because I want to meet someone but I can’t seem to make any real connections because there’s a constant stream of people who want to meet and who I can have great chats with.

I actually think I’d be in a relationship now if some people didn’t want to meet because I wouldn’t feel like I had all these options all the time. Which of course I won’t the older I get!!

OP posts:
shitpark · 29/09/2019 23:17

How old are you? Maybe don't be in such a rush to find that special one. Do you go on dates with people that you don't have a connection with. I flirt with lots of people, but won't necessarily date them. What do you get from the attention? If you don't like the people you date, why date them? Maybe the problem is that you don't know yourself well enough to know what you really like

Original poster
Likeitorlumpitz · 29/09/2019 23:19

No I only meet people where I get on with them and I’m interested in them. But there’s a constant stream of people like this to meet. I can have a great date, they want to meet again, but by then I’m chatting away with someone new.

OP posts:
shitpark · 29/09/2019 23:21

Perhaps instead of thinking "if some people didn't want to meet" you'd have met someone, you should just be a bit more selective. You need to spend time exploring your own personality. There is nothing wrong with being single for a while

Original poster
Likeitorlumpitz · 29/09/2019 23:27

I am selective though, I turn down a lot of dates. It’s the constant feeling of what’s next...I never form feelings with anyone, despite looking back and knowing I’ve had some dates with great people.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 29/09/2019 23:27

How are you meeting this stream of people? Are you meeting online? If that’s the case just suspend your account so you’re not tempted. If you are hooked on the buzz of first dates then you are not ready for a monogamous relationship. Dating may be a numbers game but a relationship isn’t.

Original poster
Likeitorlumpitz · 29/09/2019 23:30

Yes online.

For instance I’ve dated two great people in the last week. In between that I’m chatting to five new people online and they want to meet next week. It’s definitely first date addiction. I do want to settle down though!!

OP posts:
TooOldForThis67 · 29/09/2019 23:58

I could have written your post! That was me 2 yrs ago. I've had 1 long term relationship in that time also and a few that I went back to. When you meet someone that excites you and everything else about them ticks your boxes, you wont want to date anyone else. It's a numbers game. It's great that you have a choice. Don't settle. I tried that, it doesn't work. But remember that no one is perfect.

yearinyearout · 30/09/2019 07:17

This post just about sums up what's wrong with dating in today's society. Always waiting (in your case not very long) for the next one in case they are a bit better than the last one, dating several people at the same time until making uk your mind which you prefer. So much simpler when someone just asked you out, you said yes or no, and dated them until it got serious or one of you got fed up. Couldn't you just press pause on your dating app? See one person until you both have a clear idea if it has potential? It's not possible to get to know someone properly in one date, and people do grow on you! (P.s. my DH was someone who was under my nose for a year or so before we even considered dating, so if I'd dismissed him after one evening it wouldn't have gone anywhere)

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 30/09/2019 07:24

Why do anything? Just enjoy the dating while you can - eventually you'll either meet someone who has something extra special about them or you have a spark with and you'll want to see them again, or you'll get bored of constant first dates, or you'll start getting older and begin losing your pulling powers. But in the meantime just enjoy yourself like I did many many years ago when I was young and pretty

VulcanRay · 30/09/2019 07:31

Time to step away from the apps, dating the traditional way is still fun but takes away the all-you-can-eat buffet sensation!

IndieTara · 30/09/2019 07:32

I think you're a serial dater who enjoys the thrill of the chase more than anything else.

DamnaThatOnesTaken · 30/09/2019 08:00

I would say you're addicted. The only way to get over addiction is to abstain. If you want to settle down then delete your app. If you want to carry on dating then carry on as you are.

palahvah · 30/09/2019 08:04

How old are you?

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 30/09/2019 08:56

Everything you described is a choice. The choice to see many people at once. The choice to start talking to new people even while already in the early dating stages. The choice to continually hold out for something better. They're perfectly legitimate choices to make. But, if you don't like where it's getting you...change your choices. Choose to see fewer people. Choose to focus on getting to know those you're already in concract with before making new connections. Choose to take longer to see if there could be something there. Choose which attributes matter most to you, and focus exclusively on people who have them. The only person who is choosing to date the way you currently are, is you. The only person who can change that, is you.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/09/2019 09:09

What they all said. It sounds quite fun, a nicer dilemma to have than the average, and you aren't hurting anyone, but if as you say you would like to settle down, this definitely isn't the way to do it. Any connection you feel with someone after one quick lunch date is bound to be superficial. You have to get to know someone before you have any idea whether they're partner material. If your life were an edition of Britain's Got Talent you'd be shouting "Next!" before they'd even started to sing. It wouldn't make a very interesting show, would it?

How about making a rule for yourself that you won't accept a new date until you have had at least two consecutive dates with one of your existing string? OK, there may be some obvious no-hopers, but it sounds as though there are men you would like to see again but won't have time as you'll be too busy meeting the next one, and the next... Instead of "The One" being in your future, it's quite possible he's already in your past but you never noticed.

jay55 · 30/09/2019 09:24

If you're chatting to others before you've had the date with the current one, what's the point in the date? You've already moved on before meeting them.
Maybe set up a better cycle, chat to new guys week 1 , dates week 2 , second date week 3, chat to new guys.
Maybe just stop talking to new people before you've fully assessed the ones in hand.
Or stop lying to yourself that you want to settle down and just enjoy the attention and dates.

Original poster
Likeitorlumpitz · 30/09/2019 13:57

It is sad to think ‘the one’ is in the past!!!

I have been questioning whether I was just lying to myself. I’m not sure. I do know I would love to feel that way about someone that I wanted a life with them.

I agree it is a choice although I hadn’t really thought of it that way before. My choice should simply be date until I’m SURE it’s a no.

OP posts:
whatwasthis1 · 30/09/2019 14:06

Read about avoidant attachment OP Grin

Closetbeanmuncher · 30/09/2019 17:15

If first dates and novelty are your thing then you're not ready for a relationship.

Don't inflict that on someone who thinks they're getting the real deal, stick to casual dating.

NoTheresa · 30/09/2019 17:30

You are obsessive.

Otterhound · 30/09/2019 19:30

Classic kid in a candy shop.
One day you’ll meet someone who doesn’t want to see you again and you will obsess other them.

I guess its an addiction.

Katex888 · 30/09/2019 19:43

I’m intrigued, what makes you love dating? I used to hate it, all the awkward first meeting and idle chats. I’m glad I’m out of it, well unless DH gets kicked out but it was horrible. Maybe I just had dates from hell then.