Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t love him, what next.

46 replies

champagnesuperover · 29/09/2019 18:12

I need some help. Our relationship has been rocky to say the least for years. Lots of him blaming me for his behaviour, me apologising for it. Very little sex or affection, back handed compliments. Being extra nice every now and again, then losing his temper calling me names and so on. I’ve had enough, I don’t think I love him but I’m terrified of what comes next. How do I tell him. I’m not sure if he’ll be reasonable or not. How the hell do I afford to live alone with 2 kids. The one bit I’m not worried about is parenting alone as he’s not here a lot of the time anyway and I enjoy those times. Will the kids forgive me, I think I’ll be a happier mum. I want to be with someone with mutual love and respect for each other not just because we had children together.
Sorry I know this is really gambling.

OP posts:
Louise000000 · 29/09/2019 18:39

Hi champagne I've no advice but just wanted to say I'm in the same boat!
I told me husband last week I don't love him or find him attractive anymore. Some more stuff has been revealed from his side. He's promising to change and doesn't want to loose me etc but I still want to seperate!

Original poster
champagnesuperover · 29/09/2019 19:15

Louise000000 sorry to hear that. We’ve had some conversations about his behaviour and how unhappy I am and he’s promised he’ll try etc but it just all feels too little too late. Do you have dc? I’m worried about how we’ll manage financially and where we’ll live.

OP posts:
Louise000000 · 29/09/2019 19:52

Yes I've got 3! But I've looked online and I should be OK with child tax credits. I'm in Scotland though I don't know if it's different in England but as long as I work 16 hours I'd be fine for paying our mortgage and bills alone it seems. Plus my husband would have to give us 19% of wage too x
Have a look on the hm revenue website, also call citizens advice as there is housing benefit available too.
I'm more scared of his emotional state as he's already at rock bottom!

Original poster
champagnesuperover · 29/09/2019 20:37

Well I looked and I’d get a fair bit plus my wages, child benefit and some money from him but I take it that would only kick in once we were actually divorced? We own our house together.

OP posts:
Louise000000 · 29/09/2019 20:50

I would imagine when if he moved out? I am not sure though xx

donethinkin · 30/09/2019 04:48

It kicks in when you separate. You can lodge a claim for cms immediately. Call them and say you have split. Even if you’re living in the same house you can be separated and claiming cms. You have to be sleeping separately though.

Original poster
champagnesuperover · 30/09/2019 10:33

donethinkin is that the child maintenance that works like that or other benefits to?

I'm going to tell him tomorrow. I know I'm making the right decision but I can't stop crying and I'm shit scared.

OP posts:
Louise000000 · 30/09/2019 13:33

Good luck champagne I know how are you feeling!!! X

pennyhasdropped · 30/09/2019 13:44

Wishing you courage to speak up and say how you feel. I feel the same, I'm just so scared of the future. x

GettingTheMessagesIn1 · 30/09/2019 15:52

I'm in the same boat, took him back once before just purely because it was "easier" with DC's, money, house etc but last week after another huge fallout I've finally said no more. He apparently is moving out soon which will probably mean a relaxed household so I'll just need to pull up my big girl pants and deal with the practical side of putting bills in my name, seeing what help I'm entitled too etc.

Good luck everyone.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/09/2019 16:57

I'm going to tell him tomorrow. I know I'm making the right decision but I can't stop crying and I'm shit scared

Actually, I'd say tell him tonight, then at least it's done and you don't have to keep torturing yourself.

Your DC will forgive you; much better that they have two happy separate parents and two miserable ones together. You can do this. Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/09/2019 16:57

*than two miserable ones together (sorry, fat fingers!)

Greenmum2019 · 30/09/2019 20:42

Sorry to crash your thread.... I'm in the same boat.
We had the chat this evening. My heart is breaking at the same time as feeling relieved and shit scared of the future.

Original poster
champagnesuperover · 30/09/2019 21:02

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
He won’t be back till late tonight I don’t fancy sitting up talking.

He WhatsApp me saying let’s go for a run tomorrow. I replied I think we need a chat let’s go for a walk. I need to remind myself he’s good at being nice for a few days then back to an arse.

OP posts:
Original poster
champagnesuperover · 30/09/2019 21:03

Greenmum2019 sorry you’re going through it too. How did he take it?

OP posts:
Greenmum2019 · 30/09/2019 21:10

It ended up like a mutual discussion. I decided to not go into detail about how I felt and just focus on the facts. We are both miserable and even tho we love each other, it's not working. Sounds simple. It isn't tho is it. We have three kids and on is disabled. I'm.a sahm and carer. Shit!!! I'm very sad and scared but glad the conversation has started. He isn't angry, I'm not either.
If you are sure on your decision, just be focused and to the point. Don't get into discussions about details. It just distracts from what's important. Your sad, and you want to seperate.

Greenmum2019 · 01/10/2019 08:06

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Is today the day??

I didn't sleep at all. Am wired!

Original poster
champagnesuperover · 01/10/2019 09:08

I’m going to tell him this morning. Just got back from the school run. Bricking it! This is heavy stuff.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/10/2019 09:36

You can do this and we are here if you need to talk.

Louise000000 · 01/10/2019 09:49

Champagne good luck it will feel a relief once you do!!

CursedDiamond · 01/10/2019 10:08

Good luck OP. I split up with my OH for similar (amongst lots of other) reasons at the weekend. It was awful, but I do feel calmer now than I have done for the last six months, and slept straight through the night last night for the first time in forever.

Smilemumof2 · 01/10/2019 10:29

Good luck @champagnesuperover
Thanks

Original poster
champagnesuperover · 01/10/2019 11:00

Well he’s took it remarkably well. He said I was very brave and he agrees as horrible as it is. I’m hoping beyond hope we manage to remain this amicable.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/10/2019 11:23

Well done for doing it. Take a deep breath...

Really hoping things stay amicable too.

pennyhasdropped · 01/10/2019 11:25

You've been very brave! It's a step in the right direction, fingers crossed you can move on from this in an amicable way.