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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don’t love him, what next.

46 replies

champagnesuperover · 29/09/2019 18:12

I need some help. Our relationship has been rocky to say the least for years. Lots of him blaming me for his behaviour, me apologising for it. Very little sex or affection, back handed compliments. Being extra nice every now and again, then losing his temper calling me names and so on. I’ve had enough, I don’t think I love him but I’m terrified of what comes next. How do I tell him. I’m not sure if he’ll be reasonable or not. How the hell do I afford to live alone with 2 kids. The one bit I’m not worried about is parenting alone as he’s not here a lot of the time anyway and I enjoy those times. Will the kids forgive me, I think I’ll be a happier mum. I want to be with someone with mutual love and respect for each other not just because we had children together.
Sorry I know this is really gambling.

OP posts:

Greenmum2019 · 01/10/2019 14:13

@champagnesuperover

Well done..it is so very hard. I'm.quite anxious a out moving forwards

What is the right amount of time to let it synch in but making progress on him moving out.... Telling the kids?
Sorting finances etc....

Original poster

champagnesuperover · 01/10/2019 15:19

Greenmum2019 I don’t know 🤷‍♀️. We were saying we don’t want to rush, we don’t hate each other but also we don’t want to take to long and end up hating each other. He’s back to work tonight and we won’t get time together again till the weekend. We will sit down together and look at financial stuff. He would like to buy me out of the house I think eventually. We’re planning on going to see the CAB together too. I don’t think we’ll tell the kids till we really know what’s happening.

OP posts:

Greenmum2019 · 01/10/2019 15:44

@champagnesuperover

Same sitch for us I think. No buying our tho. There is no money for that. Think we will rent a small flat locally and then maybe sell the house and both rent. Not great really!!!

Original poster

champagnesuperover · 01/10/2019 17:42

He loves this house (more than me). I don’t have an emotional tie to it as much. It’s a very old period property and the maintenance would be too much. I think he may ask his sister for help money wise. I’ll have to rent I guess which leaves me in a worse position but I like the idea that the kids will still have this house as inheritance.

OP posts:

Louise000000 · 01/10/2019 18:14

That seems like it's gone really well. I wish my husnand felt the same as me!! He's wanting us to work/begging/promising to change which makes me feel even more like the bad guy!!
Hoping it goes astraight smoothly as it can !!

morrisseysquif · 01/10/2019 18:27

Well done to you brave women!

I need to do the same. I've mentioned how unhappy I am but he doesn't take me seriously. I like some aspects of family life but I also know when the key goes in the door and he is home, my heart sinks.

Original poster

champagnesuperover · 01/10/2019 18:41

I’ve just spoken to my best friend I think she thinks I’m mad. She kept saying see how you feel in a couple of weeks. I don’t think she realises I’ve been agonising over this for so long.

OP posts:

Greenmum2019 · 02/10/2019 06:36

@champagnesuperover

My friends have reacted a bit similar. Not unsupportive but it's like that can't understand how I'm feeling and that we should be able to work on it.

I'm dreading telling my Mum..

CursedDiamond · 02/10/2019 07:11

Anyone in confided in over the last six months has been supportive. Anyone who I’ve told for the first time since we split on Saturday has been more like your friend. As you say, they haven’t seen the process.

Louise000000 · 02/10/2019 07:23

So last night my husband told me in a calm manner that he couldn't be bothered with me because of what my body was like after the kids!! I was a size 14 max!!! But I wasn't the pretty, skinny girl he married anymore and this explains his anger towards me at that time!!
Thank you uinverse for my get out of jail free card!! I'm done!!!

Original poster

champagnesuperover · 03/10/2019 11:45

Well we've both told our families and it's gone a lot better than we imagined. Both his sisters have been in contact with me to offer there support which I thought was lovely. I am sad though at the fact it didn't work and Angry with him that he couldn't be what I needed him to. I spoke to another friend who knew nothing of what has been going on who was brilliant, they are different people though and first friend is closer to us and has spent a lot of time with us both and the kids so more involved in our married lives I guess.
Louise000000 that's really shitty, lack of sex/affection has been going on a long time here. I've been a very fit size 10 up to a more curvy size 14. He has made me very insecure but I know in my heart I'm not unattractive to everyone. He told me yesterday he could now honestly say that he's just not that bothered or interested in sex. I'm not sure how true this is as I know he's quite happy to pleasure himself. Perhaps he just doesn't like another person involved too much hassle. Try not to let what he said knock you down, that's a real twat of a comment.

OP posts:

Smilemumof2 · 03/10/2019 12:11

You seem so positive so happy for you xxx

Louise000000 · 03/10/2019 15:18

Thanks champagne, glad everything is going smoothly so far for you. You have just explained alot for me there. I keep thinking; I wanted to split but why do I feel sad? Because I'm sad that my marriage didn't work!! That's a normal thing I guess!!

Original poster

champagnesuperover · 03/10/2019 15:55

Louise000000 I think it's almost like a kind of grief if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Greenmum2019 · 04/10/2019 17:23

Hey everyone.

Hope your all ok.
I've had an up and down week. I know it's for the best but it hurts so much. I wake up and feel like someone has died. I can't sleep much either.
He is away till Sunday now. So might help.

Gonna have a gin when the kids in bed to take the edge off!

Original poster

champagnesuperover · 05/10/2019 15:11

I’ve hardly slept too, I can’t wait for him to go back to work as I think I will then. We’ve no choice but to share a bed which I’m finding very weird.

OP posts:

Louise000000 · 05/10/2019 17:45

Yes greenmum I also have that constant feeling like someone has died!!
It's like I can still laugh with kids and get on with my day but it's the lingering feeling.
I hope it will pass!! This is a tough process!!!

Blackfelttip · 05/10/2019 17:51

Similar position here but no kids - told my DH I was divorcing him a week ago. Filed on Friday. The relief is awesome and cannot wait to live the rest of my life. Hopefully with someone who is at least interested in me. Wish I'd done this bloody years ago as we are selling the house now. Can't put a price on freedom though.

Original poster

champagnesuperover · 10/10/2019 11:18

I don't know if anyone is still checking in here but I just wondered how everyone was doing? My mood is like a yoyo and I am struggling with sleep as he's unfortunately still in the bed sometimes.

OP posts:

Greenmum2019 · 12/10/2019 16:54

@champagnesuperover

I'm.pretty much the same really. Not sleeping on and off. One day I feel absolutely fine then next anxious and worried....

Louise000000 · 22/10/2019 18:04

Any updates? How's it going for you guys?

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