Is a narcissist an abuser in your opinion?

[tobedtoMNandfart]

My father is a narcissist. In my opinion he's at that far end of the scale. He cares for nothing and no one unless it's in his interests.
As I am a nice person I have been to hell and back for 5 years to try to fix things, whilst continually being blamed as 'the problem'.

NC now for 10 months. I am nearly at the point now where I can confidently label it as abusive (emotionally and psychologically). In this way I can justify to myself why he and my mother no longer see me, my DH & my 3 DC.

He, and others, would never see it this way.
I realise it depends on your experience, your generation, your opinion...

So MN, in your opinion, is it 'abusive'.

Thank you @gluteustothemaximus

Yes they are abusers. The majority of the time they know what they are doing and have honed their craft. They get off on people being scared of them. They make you feel like shit and enjoy it. Who gives a fuck whether they had a difficult upbringing.

That’s quite usual in families with a narcissist, they don’t want any alliances so they set up divisions amongst family members. You might be able to repair your relationship though, if you’re both nc and can recognise your similarities. Might be able to salvage something worth having?

I don't think the label you put on him really matters. Who cares frankly?
If you feel he has abused you emotionally or physically then you can choose to go nc if that's what you want.

You will tie yourself in knots trying to work out why he does what he does but you will probably never really know.
If you don't want to see him then don't.
I'm pretty sure your life will be better.

@Lagatha you are so right. Where I'm at now is FFS people get divorced all the time. It's ok to end a relationship that harms you.

Good on you OP!
It's hard when it's a parent who defies everything a parent should be & it's hard to stand up to them when they've taught you from childhood that being treated badly is the norm. You become accepting. I maintained a relationship to keep the peace but the contact always ends in trouble & a narcissist will always feel entitled to start the trouble, unprovoked whenever they see fit.

@hardrainsgonnafall absolutely. He knew what he was doing and continued to do it.

The most give away comment (when he basically begged me to attend my mothers 70th birthday bash so he could save face in front of all his friends) was "I promise to behave".

I thought "I knew it you fucker you know damn well what you are doing and it is a conscious choice".

These are 2 people who have seen me survive cancer twice in my 30s and have then nearly brought me to my knees in my 40s!

Yes my life is much better NC.

My mother is a narcissist, I suffered from childhood to present day. It's definitely an abuser.

Thank you @SimplySteveRedux

@Everafter1 yep they respect NC for just as long as it suits them and no more.

Christmas approaching always bring more contact from them. You can set your fucking clock by it.

My fathers birthday is on Xmas Day (messiah complex anyone?!)

Yes. You can't be narcissistic and not abusive ime. Mine were the opposite way round, my father was the enabler. Not even from devotion or blindness to my mothers cruelty, he just couldn't be bothered intervening, anything for an easy life.

As an adult I suspect it was at least partly down to the fact he'd decided he'd rather I, than he, was on the receiving end. Because the odd occasion when she wasn't around and he was, he was mostly pleasant, fun and good company unless I raised the subject of her. Selfish, unloving and unnatural not to protect me, but not narcissistic.

She is increasingly narcissistic with age, because she now has the trump card of the vulnerable, sweet old lady, with the horrible dd that doesn't even stay in touch, let alone help the poor frail woman that gave her such a wonderful, privileged upbringing. But she can't access a victim of any sort anymore so not my problem.

Be ready for the hoovering.

The “health crisis”, the flying monkeys, the letters / gifts in the post, the bombardment of contact directly and indirectly.

Have strategies in place not to react. It’s hard work hold up all those boundaries.

@TrainspottingWelsh thank you. Yes I'm my DHs opinion my mother is in many ways the worse offender by being the 'normal' one, by seeing it and deciding not to intervene/protect/challenge.

I'm sorry he let you down.

*in my

He texts my eldest 2 directly. I can't ban them responding without painting myself as the controlling one. I just make sure that they know that they are not obligated to do so. They don't want to. It makes them uncomfortable. Bastard.

@Inish yes this has all reared up again because he mailed a letter. (He's blocked on phone/email/Facebook).
Lesson learnt. I knew I shouldn't have opened it.

Part of me wishes I could put details here. The master manipulation is astounding. No more.

No need for details @Everafter1 we believe you.

Have you said they can block him, so none of you see the texts?
As a very wise MN’er says - if they’re too toxic for you, they’re definitely too toxic for your DC’s.

Manipulation is right.

Thx @Herocomplex I agree. I will discuss with them at an appropriate time.

I really must go to bed, work tomorrow. But thank you each and every one of you for validating my feelings. I'll catch up tomorrow if it's still helpful for anyone else (unmumsnetty kisses)

I can't ban them responding without painting myself as the controlling one. I just make sure that they know that they are not obligated to do so. They don't want to. It makes them uncomfortable. Bastard.

Block him from your DCs. He will massively exploit this and ramp it up the longer you are NC and this is his only channel to you, to control to abuse - he 100% will emotionally injure them and this is triggering you. They don’t want or need this risk.

Step in now and explain that you are emotionally protecting the family.